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Top 70 Deborah Tannen Quotes (2025 Update)
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Deborah Tannen Quote: “Each underestimates her own power and overestimates the other’s.”

51. “Each underestimates her own power and overestimates the other’s.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Communication is a system. Everything that is said is simultaneously an instigation and a reaction, a reaction and an instigation. Most of us tend to focus on the first part of that process while ignoring or downplaying the second. We see ourselves as reacting to what others say and do, without realizing that their actions or words are in part reactions to ours, and that our reactions to them won’t be the end of the process but rather will trigger more reactions, in a continuous stream.”

52. “Communication is a system. Everything that is said is simultaneously an instigation and a reaction, a reaction and an instigation. Most of us tend to focus on the first part of that process while ignoring or downplaying the second. We see ourselves as reacting to what others say and do, without realizing that their actions or words are in part reactions to ours, and that our reactions to them won’t be the end of the process but rather will trigger more reactions, in a continuous stream.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “In an ongoing relationship, each current criticism packs the punches of all the others that have gone before.”

53. “In an ongoing relationship, each current criticism packs the punches of all the others that have gone before.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations.”

54. “Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “The payoffs of indirectness in rapport and self-defense correspond to the two basic dynamics that motivate communication: the coexisting and conflicting human needs for involvement and independence. Since any show of involvement is a threat to independence, and any show of independence is a threat to involvement, indirectness is the life raft of communication, a way to float on top of a situation instead of plunging in with nose pinched and coming up blinking.”

55. “The payoffs of indirectness in rapport and self-defense correspond to the two basic dynamics that motivate communication: the coexisting and conflicting human needs for involvement and independence. Since any show of involvement is a threat to independence, and any show of independence is a threat to involvement, indirectness is the life raft of communication, a way to float on top of a situation instead of plunging in with nose pinched and coming up blinking.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “All conversation, in addition to whatever else it does, displays, and asks for recognition of, our competence.”

56. “All conversation, in addition to whatever else it does, displays, and asks for recognition of, our competence.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “One reason it’s so difficult to decide what to say became immediately clear: comments and questions that some appreciated were not appreciated by others.”

57. “One reason it’s so difficult to decide what to say became immediately clear: comments and questions that some appreciated were not appreciated by others.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Second, there is a payoff in self-defense. If what we want or think does not meet with a positive response, we can take it back, or claim – perhaps sincerely – that that’s not what we meant.”

58. “Second, there is a payoff in self-defense. If what we want or think does not meet with a positive response, we can take it back, or claim – perhaps sincerely – that that’s not what we meant.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Maybe most of all, Karl is like family because of how I feel when I’m around him: completely and unself-consciously myself.”

59. “Maybe most of all, Karl is like family because of how I feel when I’m around him: completely and unself-consciously myself.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Psychologists John and Sandra Condry asked subjects to interpret why an infant was crying. If they had been told the baby was a boy, subjects thought he was angry, but if they had been told it was a girl, they thought she was afraid.”

60. “Psychologists John and Sandra Condry asked subjects to interpret why an infant was crying. If they had been told the baby was a boy, subjects thought he was angry, but if they had been told it was a girl, they thought she was afraid.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “If women resent men’s tendency to offer solutions to problems, men complain about women’s refusal to take action to solve the problems.”

61. “If women resent men’s tendency to offer solutions to problems, men complain about women’s refusal to take action to solve the problems.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Penelope Eckert, who observed boys and girls in high school, points out that boys define their social status in a simple and straightforward way – their individual skill and achievement, especially at sports – but girls ’must define theirs in a far more complicated way, in terms of their overall character.”

62. “Penelope Eckert, who observed boys and girls in high school, points out that boys define their social status in a simple and straightforward way – their individual skill and achievement, especially at sports – but girls ’must define theirs in a far more complicated way, in terms of their overall character.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “The characteristics of a good man and a good candidate are the same, but a woman has to choose between coming across as a strong leader or a good woman. If a man appears forceful, logical, direct, masterful, and powerful, he enhances his value as a man. If a woman appears forceful, logical, direct, masterful, or powerful, she risks undercutting her value as a woman.”

63. “The characteristics of a good man and a good candidate are the same, but a woman has to choose between coming across as a strong leader or a good woman. If a man appears forceful, logical, direct, masterful, and powerful, he enhances his value as a man. If a woman appears forceful, logical, direct, masterful, or powerful, she risks undercutting her value as a woman.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “The belief that sitting down and talking will ensure mutual understanding and solve problems is based on the assumption that we can say what we mean, and that what we say will be understood as we mean it. This is unlikely to happen if conversational styles differ.”

64. “The belief that sitting down and talking will ensure mutual understanding and solve problems is based on the assumption that we can say what we mean, and that what we say will be understood as we mean it. This is unlikely to happen if conversational styles differ.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Women and men would both do well to learn strategies more typically used by members of the other group – not to switch over entirely, but to have more strategies at their disposal.”

65. “Women and men would both do well to learn strategies more typically used by members of the other group – not to switch over entirely, but to have more strategies at their disposal.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while many men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners. This may reflect a broad difference in conceptions of decision making. Women expect decisions to be discussed first and made by consensus. They appreciate the discussion itself as evidence of involvement and communication.”

66. “Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while many men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners. This may reflect a broad difference in conceptions of decision making. Women expect decisions to be discussed first and made by consensus. They appreciate the discussion itself as evidence of involvement and communication.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “For girls, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. Boys’ relationships are held together primarily by activities: doing things together, or talking about activities such as sports or, later, politics.”

67. “For girls, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. Boys’ relationships are held together primarily by activities: doing things together, or talking about activities such as sports or, later, politics.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Another way to think about metamessages is that they frame a conversation, much as a picture frame provides a context for the images in the picture. Metamessages let you know how to interpret what someone is saying by identifying the activity that is going on: Is this an argument or a chat? Is it helping, advising, or scolding? At the same time, they let you know what position the speaker is assuming in the activity, and what position you are being assigned.”

68. “Another way to think about metamessages is that they frame a conversation, much as a picture frame provides a context for the images in the picture. Metamessages let you know how to interpret what someone is saying by identifying the activity that is going on: Is this an argument or a chat? Is it helping, advising, or scolding? At the same time, they let you know what position the speaker is assuming in the activity, and what position you are being assigned.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “If I wrote, ‘After delivering the acceptance speech, the candidate fainted,’ you would know I was talking about a woman. Men do not faint; they pass out.”

69. “If I wrote, ‘After delivering the acceptance speech, the candidate fainted,’ you would know I was talking about a woman. Men do not faint; they pass out.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “If my colleague’s reaction is typical, imagine how often women who think they are displaying a positive quality – connection – are misjudged by men who perceive them as revealing a lack of independence, which the men regard as synonymous with incompetence and insecurity.”

70. “If my colleague’s reaction is typical, imagine how often women who think they are displaying a positive quality – connection – are misjudged by men who perceive them as revealing a lack of independence, which the men regard as synonymous with incompetence and insecurity.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “Yet another man commented that women seem to wallow in their problems, wanting to talk about them forever, whereas he and other men want to get them out and be done with them.”

71. “Yet another man commented that women seem to wallow in their problems, wanting to talk about them forever, whereas he and other men want to get them out and be done with them.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “It is the interaction of the two styles – his withdrawal and her insistence that he tell her what she did wrong – that is devastating to both.”

72. “It is the interaction of the two styles – his withdrawal and her insistence that he tell her what she did wrong – that is devastating to both.”

— Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Quote: “So there it is: Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, but we think we’re in the same one, so we judge each other’s behavior by the standards of our own.”

73. “So there it is: Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, but we think we’re in the same one, so we judge each other’s behavior by the standards of our own.”

— Deborah Tannen

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