Top 80 Helen Fielding Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Get out. You’ve had the warning sign, he votes Tory. Now get out before you get too involved.”

— Helen Fielding

52. “Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket. Equally important, will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobic’s, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts. And especially will not fantasize about a particular person who embodies all these things.”

— Helen Fielding

53. “Emotional fuckwittage.”

— Helen Fielding

54. “I made my excuses and left, thinking, really, after a certain age, people are just going to do what they’re going to do and you’re either going to accept them as they are or you’re not.”

— Helen Fielding

55. “Nobody wants to be racist and I think that most people aren’t.”

— Helen Fielding

56. “It seems wrong and unfair that Christmas, with its stressful and unmanageable financial and emotional challenges, should first be forced upon one wholly against one’s will, then rudely snatched away just when one is starting to get into it.”

— Helen Fielding

57. “The world you’re about to enter will be a different sea, with so much to do with how many likes you get on Facebook or who knows what ; where everyone is showing off rather than sharing their sadnesses and fears and what they really feel;.”

— Helen Fielding

58. “If we can’t have comedy books written about aspects of womanhood without going into a panic attack about it, then we haven’t got very far at being equal.”

— Helen Fielding

59. “Maybe will go to yoga and become more flexible. Or maybe will go out with friends and get plastered.”

— Helen Fielding

60. “There are so many images pushed at women and so many ideas of what you’re supposed to be. I think there’s too much of this superwoman, this woman with a bottom like two billiard balls. There’s no real celebration of just being a person.”

— Helen Fielding

61. “Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.”

— Helen Fielding

62. “Now you go out there, do your best, and don’t get caught up in everyone else’s nonsense. It’ll turn out fine, I promise you.”

— Helen Fielding

63. “Bad enough when a man wanted to touch but could only look. Worse yet when he’d touched and not even noticed.”

— Helen Fielding

64. “I was writing an earnest novel about cruises in the Caribbean and I just started writing ‘Bridget Jones’ to get some money, to finance this earnest work, and then I chucked it out.”

— Helen Fielding

65. “Dieting on New Year’s Day isn’t a good idea as you can’t eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.”

— Helen Fielding

66. “Exes should never, never go out with or marry other people but should remain celibate to the end of their days in order to provide you with a mental fallback position.”

— Helen Fielding

67. “My books have all generated controversy.”

— Helen Fielding

68. “One has to be in control, otherwise the whole dynamic becomes a total disaster.”

— Helen Fielding

69. “Quite quickly I grew less deranged. I had begun the process of calming down, assimilating and compromising, which is necessary to live comfortably in the world as it is, and probably is why its imbalance never changes. But underneath, my idea of life was completely altered.”

— Helen Fielding

70. “Roxster, my photo is of an egg.”

— Helen Fielding

71. “Singletons should not have to explain themselves all the time but should have an accepted status – like geisha girls do.”

— Helen Fielding

72. “Comedy tends to come out of things which are quite painful and serious.”

— Helen Fielding

73. “It occurred to me that if Africa needed us, sometimes we needed Africa a great deal more.”

— Helen Fielding

74. “The skin around my eyes was becoming, even as I watched, a mass of wrinkles; chin and jowls were sagging, neck like a turkey, marionette lines rushing from my mouth to my chin in manner of Angela Merkel. As I stared I could almost seamy hair turning into a tight grey perm. It had finally happened. I was an old lady.”

— Helen Fielding

75. “I certainly think I’ll end up writing about America in some form. I’ve taken plenty of notes. I like America very much.”

— Helen Fielding

76. “Age of rationing ended some time ago and is now space rather than possessions which is in short supply.”

— Helen Fielding

77. “I’m fed up with you,” I said furiously. “I told you quite specifically the first time you tried to undo my skirt that I am not into emotional fuckwittage. It was very bad to carry on flirting, sleep with me then not even follow it up with a phone call, and try to pretend the whole thing never happened. Did you just ask me to Prague to make sure you could still sleep with me if you wanted to as if we were on some sort of ladder?” “A.”

— Helen Fielding

78. “Bet I will become known as brilliant cook and hostess.”

— Helen Fielding

79. “The trouble with trying to go out with people when you get older is that everything becomes so loaded.”

— Helen Fielding

80. “Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature – with.”

— Helen Fielding

81. “I hadn’t been there ten minutes before there were three turds on the carpet.”

— Helen Fielding

82. “All you do is not eat any food which you have to pay for. So at the start of the diet you’re a bit porky and no one asks you out to dinner. Then you lose weight and get a bit leggy and shag-me hippy and people start taking you out for meals. So then you put a few pounds on, the invitations trail off and you start losing weight again.”

— Helen Fielding

83. “Is the whole world doomed to emotional trauma?”

— Helen Fielding

84. “I keep telling you, nobody wants legs like a stick insect. They want a bottom they can park in a bike in and balance a pint of beer on.”

— Helen Fielding