Top 70 Lundy Bancroft Quotes (2024 Update)
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Lundy Bancroft Quote: “Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty – or violence – he builds to the next.”

51. “Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty – or violence – he builds to the next.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.”

52. “The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “One exercise that can help you address this trap involves making a list of all the ways, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on your partner, then making another list of big or small steps you might take to begin to become more independent. These lists can guide you in focusing your energy in the directions you need to go.”

53. “One exercise that can help you address this trap involves making a list of all the ways, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on your partner, then making another list of big or small steps you might take to begin to become more independent. These lists can guide you in focusing your energy in the directions you need to go.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “And the most frequent response of all: “Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

54. “And the most frequent response of all: “Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him.”

55. “Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “You can’t take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe. Because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in acheiving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before, because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you.”

56. “You can’t take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe. Because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in acheiving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before, because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “The abuser comes and goes as he pleases, meets or ignores his responsibilities at his whim, and skips anything he finds too unpleasant.”

57. “The abuser comes and goes as he pleases, meets or ignores his responsibilities at his whim, and skips anything he finds too unpleasant.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “How do we change societal values so that women’s rights to live free of insults, invasion, disempowerment, and intimidation is respected? One way is simply to declare out loud to people in your life that women have these rights unconditionally.”

58. “How do we change societal values so that women’s rights to live free of insults, invasion, disempowerment, and intimidation is respected? One way is simply to declare out loud to people in your life that women have these rights unconditionally.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “An abuser’s behavior is primarily conscious – he acts deliberately rather than by accident or by losing control of himself – but the underlying thinking that drives his behavior is largely not conscious.”

59. “An abuser’s behavior is primarily conscious – he acts deliberately rather than by accident or by losing control of himself – but the underlying thinking that drives his behavior is largely not conscious.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics.”

60. “When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “Abusive and controlling men tend to have an endless collection of strategies to avoid having to look at their behavior and change it. They are highly attached to an unequal, privileged position in their relationships with women, and as a result are simply not willing to operate respectfully, since that would mean operating as equals.”

61. “Abusive and controlling men tend to have an endless collection of strategies to avoid having to look at their behavior and change it. They are highly attached to an unequal, privileged position in their relationships with women, and as a result are simply not willing to operate respectfully, since that would mean operating as equals.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.”

62. “Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “On those days when his nasty or rejecting side comes out first thing, tell yourself, “His coldness is his problem, not mine. He’s the one who’s missing out. I’m not going to let him ruin my day.”

63. “On those days when his nasty or rejecting side comes out first thing, tell yourself, “His coldness is his problem, not mine. He’s the one who’s missing out. I’m not going to let him ruin my day.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “It is in your primary relationship that you should be able to feel the most sure of receiving kindness and support, of being carefully listened to, of being seen and understood.”

64. “It is in your primary relationship that you should be able to feel the most sure of receiving kindness and support, of being carefully listened to, of being seen and understood.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “The outcome of the way he argues is that he escapes ever accepting responsibility for what he does. To his unethical way of thinking, you are the cause of everything he does.”

65. “The outcome of the way he argues is that he escapes ever accepting responsibility for what he does. To his unethical way of thinking, you are the cause of everything he does.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “A man’s partner is not his child, and the freedoms he “grants” her are not credits to be spent like chips when the urge to control her arises.”

66. “A man’s partner is not his child, and the freedoms he “grants” her are not credits to be spent like chips when the urge to control her arises.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues.”

67. “I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “An abuser can be thought of not as a man who is a “deviant,” but rather as one who learned his society’s lessons too well, swallowing them whole.”

68. “An abuser can be thought of not as a man who is a “deviant,” but rather as one who learned his society’s lessons too well, swallowing them whole.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized.”

69. “Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “Pointing fingers at other countries can be a way to ignore the serious problems in our own.”

70. “Pointing fingers at other countries can be a way to ignore the serious problems in our own.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “You are not your partner. His issues are not your issues. His behavior is not your behavior. His destructiveness does not prove that anything is wrong with you. You are separate people.”

71. “You are not your partner. His issues are not your issues. His behavior is not your behavior. His destructiveness does not prove that anything is wrong with you. You are separate people.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”

72. “But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest.”

73. “He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “But abuse is not a battle that you win by being better at expressing yourself. You win it by being better at sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything around backward, and using other tactics of control – an arena in which my clients win hands down over their partners, just as they do in a violent altercation. Who can beat an abuser at his own game?”

74. “But abuse is not a battle that you win by being better at expressing yourself. You win it by being better at sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything around backward, and using other tactics of control – an arena in which my clients win hands down over their partners, just as they do in a violent altercation. Who can beat an abuser at his own game?”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you.”

75. “A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is. The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.”

76. “He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is. The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quote: “They are reluctant to do the serious work of change, feeling that it would be easier to throw a new blanket over the moldy mattress and carry on with life as usual.”

77. “They are reluctant to do the serious work of change, feeling that it would be easier to throw a new blanket over the moldy mattress and carry on with life as usual.”

— Lundy Bancroft

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