Top 70 Paula Poundstone Quotes (2024 Update)
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Paula Poundstone Quote: “I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.”

51. “I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let’s have a ball. I’ll blow up the balloons myself.”

52. “President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let’s have a ball. I’ll blow up the balloons myself.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I’m thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.”

53. “I’m thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don’t think that’s going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I’m looking around for the perfect parent and I haven’t seen one yet.”

54. “The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don’t think that’s going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I’m looking around for the perfect parent and I haven’t seen one yet.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I’m thankful for Sarah Palin’s vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.”

55. “I’m thankful for Sarah Palin’s vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I’m really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.”

56. “I’m really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.”

57. “I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I have jokes I’ve told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.”

58. “I have jokes I’ve told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I get in fewer arguments when I’m alone.”

59. “I get in fewer arguments when I’m alone.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.”

60. “Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.”

61. “My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I’ve always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can’t focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would’ve read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.”

62. “I’ve always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can’t focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would’ve read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “Isn’t that weird? It’s the same with exercise, good nutrition, and a healthful sleep schedule. I think most people know that these are the low-hanging fruits of good mental and physical health. They grease the chute from which happiness may slide.”

63. “Isn’t that weird? It’s the same with exercise, good nutrition, and a healthful sleep schedule. I think most people know that these are the low-hanging fruits of good mental and physical health. They grease the chute from which happiness may slide.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “You know, in politics when you come in third, it’s a win.”

64. “You know, in politics when you come in third, it’s a win.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay – away from it.”

65. “I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay – away from it.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I can make things, but I don’t cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I’m too absentminded.”

66. “I can make things, but I don’t cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I’m too absentminded.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven’t starred. I’m still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.”

67. “If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven’t starred. I’m still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I fall short of her standards. She made me buy cat food that hasn’t been tested on animals. My cats took one bite of it, spit it out, and yelled, “Did no one test this?”

68. “I fall short of her standards. She made me buy cat food that hasn’t been tested on animals. My cats took one bite of it, spit it out, and yelled, “Did no one test this?”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.”

69. “I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.”

— Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone Quote: “There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.”

70. “There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.”

— Paula Poundstone

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