1. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

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2. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

— Bill Watterson

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3. “Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.”

— Douglas Adams

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4. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

— Steven Wright

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5. “The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.”

— Terry Pratchett

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6. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

— George Carlin

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7. “Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”

— Steve Martin

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8. “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”

— John Wayne

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9. “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.”

— Oscar Wilde

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10. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

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11. “Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.”

— Linus Torvalds

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12. “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

— Mark Twain

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13. “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”

— Dave Barry

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14. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”

— Jackie Mason

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15. “Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what.”

— Michael Scott

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16. “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

— Charles Dickens

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17. “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

— Mark Twain

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18. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

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19. “Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

— Mark Twain

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20. “Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

— Michael Scott

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21. “Laughter is an instant vacation.”

— Milton Berle

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22. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

— George Carlin

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23. “Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.”

— Tina Fey

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24. “If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. ”

— Yogi Berra

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25. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man, fishing’s not that hard.”

— Nick Offerman

26. “A cup of tea would restore my normality.”

— Douglas Adams

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27. “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”

— Adam Savage

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28. “Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

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29. “The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.”

— Terry Pratchett

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30. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

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31. “Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

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32. “The future ain't what it used to be.”

— Yogi Berra

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33. “I think I’m like wine. The older I get, the better I get.”

— Zlatan Ibrahimovic

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34. “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

— Andy Rooney

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35. “If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.”

— Douglas Adams

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36. “Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.”

— Linus Torvalds

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37. “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

— E.E. Cummings

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38. “Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.”

— Terry Pratchett

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39. “Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

— Tina Fey

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40. “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

— Douglas Adams

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41. “Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

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42. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

Also Featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

43. “Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

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44. “My hobby is my job. It’s a jobby!”

— Graham Coxon

Also Featured in: Funny Yearbook Quotes

45. “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”

— Lewis Carroll

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46. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

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47. “Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.”

— Winston Churchill

48. “No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

— Unknown

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49. “He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

— Douglas Adams

Also Featured in: Genius Quotes

50. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

— Douglas Adams

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