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Top 70 Samantha Irby Quotes (2026 Update)
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Samantha Irby Quote: “I got this Aesop mouthwash that feels like it’s doing something to my neglected, gingivitis-ravaged gumline every time I swish it around, so that’s something. That I can do.”

51. “I got this Aesop mouthwash that feels like it’s doing something to my neglected, gingivitis-ravaged gumline every time I swish it around, so that’s something. That I can do.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I do not knock on Fiona’s door when I’m trying to have an upbeat good time; I am coming to her with the shattered pieces of my heart in my hands, setting the pointy shards at her feet, and lying very still until she stomps on them with her words.”

52. “I do not knock on Fiona’s door when I’m trying to have an upbeat good time; I am coming to her with the shattered pieces of my heart in my hands, setting the pointy shards at her feet, and lying very still until she stomps on them with her words.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I like to sit at home in mild terror as the world rages outside without me, hoping that no one is going to drop by and expect me to come up with a humorous anecdote or ask me to have an opinion on something.”

53. “I like to sit at home in mild terror as the world rages outside without me, hoping that no one is going to drop by and expect me to come up with a humorous anecdote or ask me to have an opinion on something.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “If good things ever happened to me, I would say that some grief-stricken mutual friend of ours will be sobbing gently while digging up the yard of one of my many enemies to plant trees fed by our biodegradable burial pods so that he forever has to live his life in my shade.”

54. “If good things ever happened to me, I would say that some grief-stricken mutual friend of ours will be sobbing gently while digging up the yard of one of my many enemies to plant trees fed by our biodegradable burial pods so that he forever has to live his life in my shade.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Why has age made me better at so few things?”

55. “Why has age made me better at so few things?”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Showing up at a restaurant and hoping for the best is a young person’s game.”

56. “Showing up at a restaurant and hoping for the best is a young person’s game.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I just want to go down to the bar, listen to three beers’ worth of your problems, then claim that my stomach hurts so I can leave and get in bed before nine.”

57. “I just want to go down to the bar, listen to three beers’ worth of your problems, then claim that my stomach hurts so I can leave and get in bed before nine.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Have you heard of those thunder shirts for dogs to help them stay calm during loud storms? They should be made for people, to help us stay calm in situations when we have to listen to someone explain at great length why they are too busy to own a TV set.”

58. “Have you heard of those thunder shirts for dogs to help them stay calm during loud storms? They should be made for people, to help us stay calm in situations when we have to listen to someone explain at great length why they are too busy to own a TV set.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I feel like every medical professional I talk to is two degrees from saying “you’re too fat” no matter what you’ve made an appointment for them to check. I don’t know the correlation between gummy ears and weight, but if you give a doctor enough latitude, they will find one.”

59. “I feel like every medical professional I talk to is two degrees from saying “you’re too fat” no matter what you’ve made an appointment for them to check. I don’t know the correlation between gummy ears and weight, but if you give a doctor enough latitude, they will find one.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “My head hurts, so I either have a brain tumor or I haven’t had enough caffeine today.”

60. “My head hurts, so I either have a brain tumor or I haven’t had enough caffeine today.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “First of all, why you would ask a man anything is beyond me.”

61. “First of all, why you would ask a man anything is beyond me.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “It’s possible that they were coming over to offer me homemade bread or a hand-drawn map to all the local breweries or perhaps even their friendship, but I will never know, because I’m from Chicago and I don’t believe in answering an unsolicited door knock.”

62. “It’s possible that they were coming over to offer me homemade bread or a hand-drawn map to all the local breweries or perhaps even their friendship, but I will never know, because I’m from Chicago and I don’t believe in answering an unsolicited door knock.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like, “Hey, that place you like had fish tacos today and I got you some while I was out,” as it sets a bag spotted with grease on the dining room table.”

63. “Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like, “Hey, that place you like had fish tacos today and I got you some while I was out,” as it sets a bag spotted with grease on the dining room table.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Everyone thinks I’m going to eventually die of a heart attack, but joke’s on y’all – it’s definitely going to be of secondhand embarrassment.”

64. “Everyone thinks I’m going to eventually die of a heart attack, but joke’s on y’all – it’s definitely going to be of secondhand embarrassment.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Hello, 911? I am the first person at this party.”

65. “Hello, 911? I am the first person at this party.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “And I cannot remember anything from a single history class I’ve ever taken, so unless tenth graders are being tested on BuzzFeed listicles and how to keep track of all the bogus e-mail addresses you’ve created to sign up for multiple thirty-day Tidal trials and ModCloth discount codes, I do not know anything of use to a modern-day child. I can show a kid how to make a satisfying meal out of stale saltines and leftover aloo gobi, but that is basically it.”

66. “And I cannot remember anything from a single history class I’ve ever taken, so unless tenth graders are being tested on BuzzFeed listicles and how to keep track of all the bogus e-mail addresses you’ve created to sign up for multiple thirty-day Tidal trials and ModCloth discount codes, I do not know anything of use to a modern-day child. I can show a kid how to make a satisfying meal out of stale saltines and leftover aloo gobi, but that is basically it.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “A handy trick is to think long and hard about what the person who hates you would realistically add to your life if they were to actually be a part of it. Most people really do have absolutely nothing to offer you.”

67. “A handy trick is to think long and hard about what the person who hates you would realistically add to your life if they were to actually be a part of it. Most people really do have absolutely nothing to offer you.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “This is a luxury, you know, being spared the day-to-day deterioration of someone you love. I really wish I could’ve hugged that nurse.”

68. “This is a luxury, you know, being spared the day-to-day deterioration of someone you love. I really wish I could’ve hugged that nurse.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Like every other poor kid with sick or addicted parents, I knew that I needed to make myself small, that my problems should remain my problems only.”

69. “Like every other poor kid with sick or addicted parents, I knew that I needed to make myself small, that my problems should remain my problems only.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Yes, that same person you watched pull a disgusting dollar bill from between a stripper’s ass cheeks with her teeth will now try to break your jaw for serving her kid some cheese with hormones in it.”

70. “Yes, that same person you watched pull a disgusting dollar bill from between a stripper’s ass cheeks with her teeth will now try to break your jaw for serving her kid some cheese with hormones in it.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Hello, 911? I’ve been lying awake for an hour each night, reliving a two-second awkward experience I had in front of a casual acquaintance three years ago, for eight months.”

71. “Hello, 911? I’ve been lying awake for an hour each night, reliving a two-second awkward experience I had in front of a casual acquaintance three years ago, for eight months.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “When you’re a kid it’s sometimes just easier to go along with other people’s definitions of who you are.”

72. “When you’re a kid it’s sometimes just easier to go along with other people’s definitions of who you are.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “The world is scary and terrible and people out here don’t want Obamacare to fix a paper cut let alone offer some discounted mental health care, so what is left for us to do? Talk about it? Stop being afraid of it? Shut down those who want to dismiss us as fragile or crazy?!”

73. “The world is scary and terrible and people out here don’t want Obamacare to fix a paper cut let alone offer some discounted mental health care, so what is left for us to do? Talk about it? Stop being afraid of it? Shut down those who want to dismiss us as fragile or crazy?!”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Don’t you wish you’d had a kid?” Do I wish I could stand idly by and witness all the things I hate about myself manifested in, and mirrored back to me by, a person it’s against the law for me to kill? I absolutely do not!”

74. “Don’t you wish you’d had a kid?” Do I wish I could stand idly by and witness all the things I hate about myself manifested in, and mirrored back to me by, a person it’s against the law for me to kill? I absolutely do not!”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I am a simple person. Kind of. I mean, I don’t really have any dreams beyond comfortable pants and unlimited sparkling water.”

75. “I am a simple person. Kind of. I mean, I don’t really have any dreams beyond comfortable pants and unlimited sparkling water.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Anyway, this dude came up to me and introduced himself, then clocked my drink and went to get me a fresh one, which is a very seductive thing to do for a poor person.”

76. “Anyway, this dude came up to me and introduced himself, then clocked my drink and went to get me a fresh one, which is a very seductive thing to do for a poor person.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “No one ever tells attractive children how much they suck, and then the rest of us get stuck with insufferable, narcissistic adults who can barely tie their shoes because someone else is busy either doing it for them or congratulating them on their effort. I do not have the energy to be in a relationship with someone exceptionally good-looking.”

77. “No one ever tells attractive children how much they suck, and then the rest of us get stuck with insufferable, narcissistic adults who can barely tie their shoes because someone else is busy either doing it for them or congratulating them on their effort. I do not have the energy to be in a relationship with someone exceptionally good-looking.”

— Samantha Irby

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