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Top 70 Samantha Irby Quotes (2024 Update)
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Samantha Irby Quote: “When you’re a kid it’s sometimes just easier to go along with other people’s definitions of who you are.”

51. “When you’re a kid it’s sometimes just easier to go along with other people’s definitions of who you are.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like, “Hey, that place you like had fish tacos today and I got you some while I was out,” as it sets a bag spotted with grease on the dining room table.”

52. “Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like, “Hey, that place you like had fish tacos today and I got you some while I was out,” as it sets a bag spotted with grease on the dining room table.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Favorite food? Brunch and tacos.”

53. “Favorite food? Brunch and tacos.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Hello, 911? Why did this woman choose the middle stall in this three-stall public bathroom?”

54. “Hello, 911? Why did this woman choose the middle stall in this three-stall public bathroom?”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Like every other poor kid with sick or addicted parents, I knew that I needed to make myself small, that my problems should remain my problems only.”

55. “Like every other poor kid with sick or addicted parents, I knew that I needed to make myself small, that my problems should remain my problems only.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “My head hurts, so I either have a brain tumor or I haven’t had enough caffeine today.”

56. “My head hurts, so I either have a brain tumor or I haven’t had enough caffeine today.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “No one ever tells attractive children how much they suck, and then the rest of us get stuck with insufferable, narcissistic adults who can barely tie their shoes because someone else is busy either doing it for them or congratulating them on their effort. I do not have the energy to be in a relationship with someone exceptionally good-looking.”

57. “No one ever tells attractive children how much they suck, and then the rest of us get stuck with insufferable, narcissistic adults who can barely tie their shoes because someone else is busy either doing it for them or congratulating them on their effort. I do not have the energy to be in a relationship with someone exceptionally good-looking.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “A handy trick is to think long and hard about what the person who hates you would realistically add to your life if they were to actually be a part of it. Most people really do have absolutely nothing to offer you.”

58. “A handy trick is to think long and hard about what the person who hates you would realistically add to your life if they were to actually be a part of it. Most people really do have absolutely nothing to offer you.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Why has age made me better at so few things?”

59. “Why has age made me better at so few things?”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Words like “outdoor music festival” are why I am so glad summer in Chicago lasts approximately seven minutes.”

60. “Words like “outdoor music festival” are why I am so glad summer in Chicago lasts approximately seven minutes.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Hello, 911? My friend just left me a voice mail.”

61. “Hello, 911? My friend just left me a voice mail.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “But, reasonable though it may have been, that talk had left me touchy and defensive, so I let his e-mails and texts go unanswered while I licked my “never gonna spend the morning cuddled at the Hyde Park library together” wounds.”

62. “But, reasonable though it may have been, that talk had left me touchy and defensive, so I let his e-mails and texts go unanswered while I licked my “never gonna spend the morning cuddled at the Hyde Park library together” wounds.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Don’t you wish you’d had a kid?” Do I wish I could stand idly by and witness all the things I hate about myself manifested in, and mirrored back to me by, a person it’s against the law for me to kill? I absolutely do not!”

63. “Don’t you wish you’d had a kid?” Do I wish I could stand idly by and witness all the things I hate about myself manifested in, and mirrored back to me by, a person it’s against the law for me to kill? I absolutely do not!”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Hello, 911? I am the first person at this party.”

64. “Hello, 911? I am the first person at this party.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “What’s not to love about being expertly lit and drunk at two in the afternoon? But I’m going to need you to love me on the bus, dude. And first thing in the morning. Also, when I’m drunk and refuse to shut up about getting McNuggets from the drive-thru. When I fall asleep in the middle of that movie you paid extra to see in IMAX. When I wear the flowered robe I got at Walmart and the sweatpants I made into sweatshorts to bed.”

65. “What’s not to love about being expertly lit and drunk at two in the afternoon? But I’m going to need you to love me on the bus, dude. And first thing in the morning. Also, when I’m drunk and refuse to shut up about getting McNuggets from the drive-thru. When I fall asleep in the middle of that movie you paid extra to see in IMAX. When I wear the flowered robe I got at Walmart and the sweatpants I made into sweatshorts to bed.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I like traveling to other places to do the exact same things I do at home: read books in bed, occasionally get over-priced takeout, and groan exasperatedly at tourists chattering excitedly outside my door over whatever thrilling activity they are about to go do.”

66. “I like traveling to other places to do the exact same things I do at home: read books in bed, occasionally get over-priced takeout, and groan exasperatedly at tourists chattering excitedly outside my door over whatever thrilling activity they are about to go do.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “If good things ever happened to me, I would say that some grief-stricken mutual friend of ours will be sobbing gently while digging up the yard of one of my many enemies to plant trees fed by our biodegradable burial pods so that he forever has to live his life in my shade.”

67. “If good things ever happened to me, I would say that some grief-stricken mutual friend of ours will be sobbing gently while digging up the yard of one of my many enemies to plant trees fed by our biodegradable burial pods so that he forever has to live his life in my shade.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “The world is scary and terrible and people out here don’t want Obamacare to fix a paper cut let alone offer some discounted mental health care, so what is left for us to do? Talk about it? Stop being afraid of it? Shut down those who want to dismiss us as fragile or crazy?!”

68. “The world is scary and terrible and people out here don’t want Obamacare to fix a paper cut let alone offer some discounted mental health care, so what is left for us to do? Talk about it? Stop being afraid of it? Shut down those who want to dismiss us as fragile or crazy?!”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Have you heard of those thunder shirts for dogs to help them stay calm during loud storms? They should be made for people, to help us stay calm in situations when we have to listen to someone explain at great length why they are too busy to own a TV set.”

69. “Have you heard of those thunder shirts for dogs to help them stay calm during loud storms? They should be made for people, to help us stay calm in situations when we have to listen to someone explain at great length why they are too busy to own a TV set.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I got this Aesop mouthwash that feels like it’s doing something to my neglected, gingivitis-ravaged gumline every time I swish it around, so that’s something. That I can do.”

70. “I got this Aesop mouthwash that feels like it’s doing something to my neglected, gingivitis-ravaged gumline every time I swish it around, so that’s something. That I can do.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “I live every single day in fear that a stranger might yell at me for some normal community thing I am doing wrong, like pulling up to the gas pump at a weird angle or exiting out of the wrong door. So, I cannot imagine being brave enough to take my time giving explicit instructions about my latte while people who are close enough to touch me get mad at me.”

71. “I live every single day in fear that a stranger might yell at me for some normal community thing I am doing wrong, like pulling up to the gas pump at a weird angle or exiting out of the wrong door. So, I cannot imagine being brave enough to take my time giving explicit instructions about my latte while people who are close enough to touch me get mad at me.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Showing up at a restaurant and hoping for the best is a young person’s game.”

72. “Showing up at a restaurant and hoping for the best is a young person’s game.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Yes, that same person you watched pull a disgusting dollar bill from between a stripper’s ass cheeks with her teeth will now try to break your jaw for serving her kid some cheese with hormones in it.”

73. “Yes, that same person you watched pull a disgusting dollar bill from between a stripper’s ass cheeks with her teeth will now try to break your jaw for serving her kid some cheese with hormones in it.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “First of all, why you would ask a man anything is beyond me.”

74. “First of all, why you would ask a man anything is beyond me.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “It’s possible that they were coming over to offer me homemade bread or a hand-drawn map to all the local breweries or perhaps even their friendship, but I will never know, because I’m from Chicago and I don’t believe in answering an unsolicited door knock.”

75. “It’s possible that they were coming over to offer me homemade bread or a hand-drawn map to all the local breweries or perhaps even their friendship, but I will never know, because I’m from Chicago and I don’t believe in answering an unsolicited door knock.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “This is a luxury, you know, being spared the day-to-day deterioration of someone you love. I really wish I could’ve hugged that nurse.”

76. “This is a luxury, you know, being spared the day-to-day deterioration of someone you love. I really wish I could’ve hugged that nurse.”

— Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby Quote: “Let me save you from the heartbreak caused by the withering look on your nephew’s face when you attempt to make small talk about anything invented in the last ten years: don’t.”

77. “Let me save you from the heartbreak caused by the withering look on your nephew’s face when you attempt to make small talk about anything invented in the last ten years: don’t.”

— Samantha Irby

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