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Top 70 Tim Dorsey Quotes (2025 Update)
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Tim Dorsey Quote: “Courage is the ability to suspend the imagination.”

51. “Courage is the ability to suspend the imagination.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “He’s wrong, but I don’t say anything. That’s how you make a marriage last.”

52. “He’s wrong, but I don’t say anything. That’s how you make a marriage last.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “These rare gray afternoons evoke a sweet, childhood melancholy in my soul, like when it rained in kindergarten and we had to stay inside and do crafts with library paste and pipe cleaners and buttons, and I made the best project in the whole class, an ultra-powerful rubber-band zip gun, but the teacher gave me a zero because I got her in the eye with a button.”

53. “These rare gray afternoons evoke a sweet, childhood melancholy in my soul, like when it rained in kindergarten and we had to stay inside and do crafts with library paste and pipe cleaners and buttons, and I made the best project in the whole class, an ultra-powerful rubber-band zip gun, but the teacher gave me a zero because I got her in the eye with a button.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “There’s a point in conflict resolution when the next person who talks loses. You’re ready to play with the big boys when you can recognize that moment.”

54. “There’s a point in conflict resolution when the next person who talks loses. You’re ready to play with the big boys when you can recognize that moment.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “You pledged to cut waste. We now have a Protect-Our-Children Czar, Protect-the-Flag Czar, Fight-for-Prayer Czar, Devil-Music Czar and, as of today, something called a Family-Values Czar. What’s going on here?” “Efficient government is what’s going on!” said Conrad. Staff members along the walls applauded and cheered. “I thought Republicans were against government growth.” “This is completely different,” said Marlon. “How’s that?” “We use the word czar.”

55. “You pledged to cut waste. We now have a Protect-Our-Children Czar, Protect-the-Flag Czar, Fight-for-Prayer Czar, Devil-Music Czar and, as of today, something called a Family-Values Czar. What’s going on here?” “Efficient government is what’s going on!” said Conrad. Staff members along the walls applauded and cheered. “I thought Republicans were against government growth.” “This is completely different,” said Marlon. “How’s that?” “We use the word czar.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Life was invented for kids. But then we all grow up, and society imposes filters that block the joy of silliness and sponging up pointless little things that make childhood the magic time for which it is widely known.”

56. “Life was invented for kids. But then we all grow up, and society imposes filters that block the joy of silliness and sponging up pointless little things that make childhood the magic time for which it is widely known.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Anger is sweeping the country! Tea bags from sea to shining sea! Voters everywhere exploding from frustration!” “Why?” “Because the facts don’t support their beliefs.”

57. “Anger is sweeping the country! Tea bags from sea to shining sea! Voters everywhere exploding from frustration!” “Why?” “Because the facts don’t support their beliefs.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “The number one directive of any decent Master Plan is unlimited sub–Master Plans.”

58. “The number one directive of any decent Master Plan is unlimited sub–Master Plans.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running after sticks,” said Serge. “They probably don’t even know why they do it. They just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who isn’t behind the wheel says, ‘Why are we stopping?’ ‘Something inside just told me to because there’s a really cool crash up ahead. It’s weird; I can’t explain it.”

59. “Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running after sticks,” said Serge. “They probably don’t even know why they do it. They just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who isn’t behind the wheel says, ‘Why are we stopping?’ ‘Something inside just told me to because there’s a really cool crash up ahead. It’s weird; I can’t explain it.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Never entangle your life with a stranger when the only thing to gain is the last word.”

60. “Never entangle your life with a stranger when the only thing to gain is the last word.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “But you have to suspend disbelief if you ever want to enjoy another movie or watch the president for more than fifteen seconds without running into the street demanding a new constitutional convention.”

61. “But you have to suspend disbelief if you ever want to enjoy another movie or watch the president for more than fifteen seconds without running into the street demanding a new constitutional convention.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “And they ask what’s a convenient time to call back, so I say, ‘I don’t know. The police are still looking for him. Somehow he got the home address of a telemarketer and they found a bloody clawhammer. Where do you live?”

62. “And they ask what’s a convenient time to call back, so I say, ‘I don’t know. The police are still looking for him. Somehow he got the home address of a telemarketer and they found a bloody clawhammer. Where do you live?”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Don’t you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don’t follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves!”

63. “Don’t you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don’t follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves!”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “We don’t simply say something that’s untrue. We make statements so insane that there’s no possible intelligent response. Like arguing with some old fart in a rocking chair who claims we never landed on the moon. Any educated person can only laugh. Meanwhile, we’ve just won over all the non-moon-landing votes.”

64. “We don’t simply say something that’s untrue. We make statements so insane that there’s no possible intelligent response. Like arguing with some old fart in a rocking chair who claims we never landed on the moon. Any educated person can only laugh. Meanwhile, we’ve just won over all the non-moon-landing votes.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “I’m a one-hundred-percent, made-in-Florida, dope-smugglin’, time-sharin’, spring-breakin’, log-flumin’, double-occupancy discount vacation. I’m a tall glass of orange juice and a day without sunshine. I’m the wind in your sails, the sun on your burn and the moon over Miami. I am the native.”

65. “I’m a one-hundred-percent, made-in-Florida, dope-smugglin’, time-sharin’, spring-breakin’, log-flumin’, double-occupancy discount vacation. I’m a tall glass of orange juice and a day without sunshine. I’m the wind in your sails, the sun on your burn and the moon over Miami. I am the native.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Turnoffs: the word conflate and women who think a small dog in a purse is a fashion accessory.”

66. “Turnoffs: the word conflate and women who think a small dog in a purse is a fashion accessory.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.”

67. “The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don’t question.”

68. “Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don’t question.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “There, I’m an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.”

69. “There, I’m an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Oh, I’m with the government all right,” said Serge. “But when I say ‘with,’ I mean in the context of I’m in favor of it because otherwise there are no streets or postage stamps, and everyone wanders the woods carrying their own mail and looking at the sun to know when to eat until there’s an eclipse and everyone’s blind. That’s why you should vote.”

70. “Oh, I’m with the government all right,” said Serge. “But when I say ‘with,’ I mean in the context of I’m in favor of it because otherwise there are no streets or postage stamps, and everyone wanders the woods carrying their own mail and looking at the sun to know when to eat until there’s an eclipse and everyone’s blind. That’s why you should vote.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Armageddon reigns, and survival on this planet gets down to brass tacks, the last three left standing will be cockroaches, viruses and probate attorneys. Fade to black, check please.”

71. “Armageddon reigns, and survival on this planet gets down to brass tacks, the last three left standing will be cockroaches, viruses and probate attorneys. Fade to black, check please.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Things sure have changed. FDR tried to calm us: “Nothing to fear but fear itself.” Now politicians encourage the jitters. Panic is the new patriotism. “Today’s Threat Level: Duck!”

72. “Things sure have changed. FDR tried to calm us: “Nothing to fear but fear itself.” Now politicians encourage the jitters. Panic is the new patriotism. “Today’s Threat Level: Duck!”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “When those buses arrive, the last thing I need is some geriatric rumble.” The.”

73. “When those buses arrive, the last thing I need is some geriatric rumble.” The.”

Tim Dorsey Quote: “Why read a book? If you read books you’d understand that question is like ‘Why Breathe?”

74. “Why read a book? If you read books you’d understand that question is like ‘Why Breathe?”

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