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Top 70 Tom Lehrer Quotes (2025 Update)
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Tom Lehrer Quote: “I recall this sergeant’s informing me and my “room-mates” of this rather deplorable fact the army didn’t have any official, excuse me, didn’t have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time.”

51. “I recall this sergeant’s informing me and my “room-mates” of this rather deplorable fact the army didn’t have any official, excuse me, didn’t have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “If you asked me to write a rock song or a rap song, I couldn’t do it because they’re not in my fingers.”

52. “If you asked me to write a rock song or a rap song, I couldn’t do it because they’re not in my fingers.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “If I can’t get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won’t touch on God or anything here.”

53. “If I can’t get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won’t touch on God or anything here.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “Well I wasn’t really attacking the religious beliefs, I was attacking the formality of the rituals of the Catholic church; however, people took it wrongly.”

54. “Well I wasn’t really attacking the religious beliefs, I was attacking the formality of the rituals of the Catholic church; however, people took it wrongly.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now, to quote myself at my most pretentious, is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.”

55. “Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now, to quote myself at my most pretentious, is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that’s not exactly a full-time job. It wasn’t that I was writing and writing and writing and quit.”

56. “I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that’s not exactly a full-time job. It wasn’t that I was writing and writing and writing and quit.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “The audience usually has to be with you, I’m afraid. I always regarded myself as not even preaching to the converted, I was titillating the converted.”

57. “The audience usually has to be with you, I’m afraid. I always regarded myself as not even preaching to the converted, I was titillating the converted.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “I don’t want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.”

58. “I don’t want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “From the three, you then use one to make eight ones. You add those ones to the three, and you get one-three base eight, or, in other words, In base ten you have eleven, and you take away seven. And seven from eleven is four. Now go back to the sixty-fours, you’re left with two.”

59. “From the three, you then use one to make eight ones. You add those ones to the three, and you get one-three base eight, or, in other words, In base ten you have eleven, and you take away seven. And seven from eleven is four. Now go back to the sixty-fours, you’re left with two.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “People would go anywhere to see a famous person in the flesh, no matter what they do.”

60. “People would go anywhere to see a famous person in the flesh, no matter what they do.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “The audiences like to think that satire is doing something. But, in fact, it is mostly to leave themselves satisfied. Satisfied rather than angry, which is what they should be.”

61. “The audiences like to think that satire is doing something. But, in fact, it is mostly to leave themselves satisfied. Satisfied rather than angry, which is what they should be.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “If I see a movie star in the department store buying something, I’ll kind of sidle up and see what they’re saying, what they look like, how they sound. That’s an invasion of privacy.”

62. “If I see a movie star in the department store buying something, I’ll kind of sidle up and see what they’re saying, what they look like, how they sound. That’s an invasion of privacy.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “The people who came to hear me perform or to buy my records were not the type who would be offended. But I gather that there were other people who were offended.”

63. “The people who came to hear me perform or to buy my records were not the type who would be offended. But I gather that there were other people who were offended.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “Everything is so weird in politics that it’s very hard to be funny about it, I think.”

64. “Everything is so weird in politics that it’s very hard to be funny about it, I think.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “I’ve heard it quoted that I was dead. You can’t believe anything you read. That was just an off-hand remark somebody picked up, and now it’s been quoted and quoted, and therefore misquoted.”

65. “I’ve heard it quoted that I was dead. You can’t believe anything you read. That was just an off-hand remark somebody picked up, and now it’s been quoted and quoted, and therefore misquoted.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “If the hoods don’t get you, the monoxide will.”

66. “If the hoods don’t get you, the monoxide will.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “I don’t have the temperament of a performer, and I certainly couldn’t do it every night.”

67. “I don’t have the temperament of a performer, and I certainly couldn’t do it every night.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “The poor folks hate the rich folks, and the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, it’s American as apple pie.”

68. “The poor folks hate the rich folks, and the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, it’s American as apple pie.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can’t stand, You can tolerate him if you try!”

69. “Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can’t stand, You can tolerate him if you try!”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “People are stupider than anybody.”

70. “People are stupider than anybody.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “I would do nightclubs and concerts – particularly concerts, which is mostly what I did – and only people who already agreed with me would show up. People weren’t going to come and inadvertently turn on their television set and find this offensive stuff coming out.”

71. “I would do nightclubs and concerts – particularly concerts, which is mostly what I did – and only people who already agreed with me would show up. People weren’t going to come and inadvertently turn on their television set and find this offensive stuff coming out.”

Tom Lehrer Quote: “I’m not an original composer. The tunes are not stolen from other tunes necessarily except in a few cases, but they’re in the style of songs that I grew up with.”

72. “I’m not an original composer. The tunes are not stolen from other tunes necessarily except in a few cases, but they’re in the style of songs that I grew up with.”

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