Top 120 Al Yankovic Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.”

— Al Yankovic

2. “If money can’t buy happiness, then I guess I’ll have to rent it.”

— Al Yankovic

3. “I’m stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump.”

— Al Yankovic

4. “I’ll be mellow when I’m dead.”

— Al Yankovic

5. “As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people’s heads.””

— Al Yankovic

6. “I’m an ugly girl, My face makes you hurl, Sad I have it, I should bag it. Acne everywhere, Unwanted facial hair. I’m a relation to Frankenstein’s creation.”

— Al Yankovic

7. “Take down those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine.”

— Al Yankovic

8. “Ever since the day you left me, I’ve been so miserable, my dear. I feel almost as bad as I did when you were still here.”

— Al Yankovic

9. “Kind of wish I was dead. Maybe, I’ll blow my brains out, mama, or maybe I’ll go bowling.”

— Al Yankovic

10. “My hobbies just sort of gradually became my vocation.”

— Al Yankovic

11. “No Joni Mitchell 8 track tapes in my car.”

— Al Yankovic

12. “I think my chances of getting into the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall Of Fame are about as good as Milli Vanilli’s.”

— Al Yankovic

13. “That’s a big part of my life – doing things that I’m not prepared to do. Doing things that I don’t know how to do, and keep doing them until I get good at them. I always try to put myself out of my comfort zone and out of my depth, and hopefully somewhere along the line I’ll catch up.”

— Al Yankovic

14. “Left all my Beatle records out in the sun, got a coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue.”

— Al Yankovic

15. “As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.”

— Al Yankovic

16. “I’m very analytical, I’m very precise.”

— Al Yankovic

17. “Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You’ll have plenty of time to be low-key when you’re laid out on the slab.”

— Al Yankovic

18. “Boys like Peter are afraid of alot of things, like nuclear annihilation and flunking algebra, but they’re not afraid of wolves.”

— Al Yankovic

19. “You don’t need to be defined by your job.”

— Al Yankovic

20. “It’s hard to force creativity and humor.”

— Al Yankovic

21. “I suppose I had my rock star fantasies while I was singing into my hairbrush in the bathroom mirror, but I never really consciously said, ‘OK, this is what I’m going to do for a living and I’m going to be Weird Al.’”

— Al Yankovic

22. “I’m just a no-good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking, sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime.”

— Al Yankovic

23. “I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you.”

— Al Yankovic

24. “I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem that time that you made it with the whole hockey team.”

— Al Yankovic

25. “You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill, now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will.”

— Al Yankovic

26. “He put Ben Gay inside my jock strap and filled my tooth paste tube up with glue.”

— Al Yankovic

27. “I knew we were having problems when you put those piranhas in my bathtub again.”

— Al Yankovic

28. “You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.”

— Al Yankovic

29. “Buy our album, were Nirvana, a garage band from Seattle. Well, it sure beats raising cattle.”

— Al Yankovic

30. “I’ve learned how to use my spam filter pretty effectively.”

— Al Yankovic

31. “So that’s why one of my rules of parody writing is that it’s gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.”

— Al Yankovic

32. “I know I’m a million times as humble as thou art!”

— Al Yankovic

33. “You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, then remove them with a pitchfork.”

— Al Yankovic

34. “I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals.”

— Al Yankovic

35. “I was abducted by some aliens from space who kind a looked like Jamie Farr.”

— Al Yankovic

36. “You can play some schlock like New Kids On the Block.”

— Al Yankovic

37. “It doesn’t take a military genius to see we’ll all be crispy critters after World War III.”

— Al Yankovic

38. “When I swore that you’re getting more and more beautiful everyday. Well, I was only kidding, honey.”

— Al Yankovic

39. “Many years ago I found out something about hamburgers that really grossed me out. You may not know this, so I hope I don’t make you sick, but it turns out hamburgers are actually made out of dead cows. I am not making this up. Needless to say, as soon as I discovered that, I gave up meat entirely.”

— Al Yankovic

40. “The window doesn’t open, the fan is broke, and my face is turning blue. I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see the Who.”

— Al Yankovic

41. “I think that nerds, if you want to call them that, have only gotten more hip and assimilated into the culture.”

— Al Yankovic

42. “The irony is of course that my career has lasted a whole lot longer than some of the people I’ve parodied over the years.”

— Al Yankovic

43. “Maybe I’ll make a huge color tapestry from my belly button lint.”

— Al Yankovic

44. “My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Although he may not be worth much dough, he means more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh.”

— Al Yankovic

45. “I’m still a geek on the inside, that’s the important thing.”

— Al Yankovic

46. “Beans, beans, the magic legumes – the more you ingest, the more you consume.”

— Al Yankovic

47. “I don’t want to pooh-pooh modern pop. I appreciate that as well, but my personal favorite kind of music is guitar-based rock. I like grunge and garage bands and alternative music, but that’s more my personal taste.”

— Al Yankovic

48. “My brothers and sisters hated me because I was an only child.”

— Al Yankovic

49. “That’s something the kids should know about. Reading is a gateway to witchcraft and lesbianism.”

— Al Yankovic

50. “I don’t like to label myself. I know I’m very hard to pigeonhole.”

— Al Yankovic