1. “If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don’t have integrity, nothing else matters.”
— Alan Simpson
2. “Those who travel the high road of humility are not troubled by heavy traffic.”
3. “He’s a million rubber bands in his resilience.”
4. “We have two political parties in this country, the Stupid Party and the Evil Party. I belong to the Stupid Party.”
5. “There is no ‘slippery slope’ toward loss of liberty, only a long staircase where each step down must first be tolerated by the American people and their leaders.”
6. “If you torture statistics long enough, they’ll eventually confess the truth.”
7. “People tend to stay at home and eat a home-cooked meal. There are three days that are really slow for restaurants – Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.”
8. “Now it’s just sharp elbows, and instead of having a caucus where you sit down and say, ‘What are you doing for your country?’ you sit figuring out how to screw the other side.”
9. “In your country club, your church, and business, about fifteen percent of the people are screwballs, lightweights, and boobs, and you would not want those people unrepresented in Congress.”
10. “Any education that matters is liberal. All the saving truths, all the healing graces that distinguish a good education from a bad one or a full education from a half empty one are contained in that word.”
11. “An educated man is thoroughly inoculated against humbug, thinks for himself and tries to give his thoughts, in speech or on paper, some style.”
12. “Grandchildren now don’t write a thank you for the Christmas presents. They are walking on their pants with their cap on backward, listening to the Enema Man and Snoopy, Snoopy Poop Dog.”
13. “It doesn’t matter is you call it ‘Obama-care’ or ‘Elvis Presley care’ or ‘I-don’t-care care.’ It cannot sustain itself in its present form.”
14. “Every time one of us starts talking about more effective immigration controls, somebody else throws up the Statue of Liberty, how we’re a nation of immigrants and all of that. The debate takes on tinges of racism, emotion.”
15. “Reagan didn’t put anything off the table, if he felt it was for the good of the American people to tweak the tax system.”
16. “The word liberal distinguishes whatever nourishes the mind and spirit from the training which is merely practical or professional or from the trivialities which are no training at all.”
17. “I look forward to the day when I can be Republican again. I’m an Alan Simpson Republican.”
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