Top 30 Alice Winters Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “I’ve seen your butthole and that pretty much makes us BFFs.”

— Alice Winters

2. “Me: Leland, how did you get Jackson to fall in love with you? Leland: I flirted with him. Jackson: He shot at me. Leland: Yeah, that’s called flirting. Jackson: That’s called attempted murder.”

— Alice Winters

3. “I’ve never tried too hard to find my purpose in life. Instead, I’ve just sat back and watched my life unfold, trying to care about where it was heading. Sometimes that’s so damn difficult to do that I can’t imagine trying harder than I already am. Life felt rough enough as it is.”

— Alice Winters

4. “You are the absolute light of my life. My one true love. But I’m pretty sure you’re not going to die; it barely broke the skin.”

— Alice Winters

5. “Stabby McStabbed is like ten feet that way. I didn’t stab him well enough to kill him either, so I’m sure he’ll have something to say about seeing my face if I come waltzing up playing the innocent party member.”

— Alice Winters

6. “Tell me you like my nipples and everything will go back to normal.”

— Alice Winters

7. “You’re going to have a nut-sized bruise on your face tomorrow.”

— Alice Winters

8. “That’s just stupid. What are you going to do? Beat people with your GPA? ‘You cannot hurt me with your gun for I have the power of GPA on my side!’” Shepherd calls out to some invisible attacker.”

— Alice Winters

9. “I grab it and look up at him while one hundred percent pretending it’s a microphone. “Can you give me an alternate pronunciation of the word?” “I’m going to kick your ass so hard,” he growls as he pulls me into a headlock. How this went from an innocent yet very sexy blow job to MMA, I’ll never know.”

— Alice Winters

10. “Will you finger me in JCPenney?”

— Alice Winters

11. “Cheetah Legs would like you to come push him. I repeat, Cheetah Legs needs a push.” “Are you on a swing?” he asks, like this sounds like a ludicrous thing for me to do as I wait for them to stagger over here.”

— Alice Winters

12. “Don’t look at me,” Karsyn growls. Now that I’m alone with Claude and Karsyn, the two seem to be back at it. But this time, all Claude did was smile and Karsyn’s ready to eat him. “Children, settle down,” I say. “He looked at me,” Karsyn says, as though that’s a good excuse. “You’re like the sun, I can’t look away,” Claude says which is the stupidest pickup line I’ve ever heard. “Can I tear his eyes out?” Karsyn asks me like I’m suddenly in control here.”

— Alice Winters

13. “Squirrel,” Fred says as I realize that there is something worse than death. I’d rather have poison.”

— Alice Winters

14. “I felt like if I had to suffer through being small and cute my entire life, I was going to work that small and cute so damn hard.”

— Alice Winters

15. “This is what marriage is like. A mixture of being terrified and turned on.”

— Alice Winters

16. “Jackson guides Henry toward my lap. “Why are you in on this too?” Henry asks. “What can I say? I’m in love and when I’m in love, I give my babe anything he wants. If he wants his Daddy to sit on his lap, then I’m going to make sure his Daddy sits on his lap.”

— Alice Winters

17. “Then I’ll just pack up my Girl Scout cookies and hurry on home,” Cassel says. The man hesitates. “Do you have Thin Mints?”

— Alice Winters

18. “What made you decide to be a bad guy?” I ask. “Childhood dream.”

— Alice Winters

19. “Then he wipes the imaginary ball blood over my shirt. It’s much more gruesome than his bee miming.”

— Alice Winters

20. “Take these torture devices off me! I beg of you!” he cries. And like the good guy I am, I grab his shirt and pull it up, exposing his toned stomach. “Not my shirt!” “Oh! I thought you meant your clothes,” I say. “Sorry, ladies, false alarm.”

— Alice Winters

21. “I think it even winked at me.” “Oh my god. Get out of my car.”

— Alice Winters

22. “Fred, and this is Dandelion,” he says. “Just call me Dandy,” she says with a wink.”

— Alice Winters

23. “I think I got your nut hair in my teeth!”

— Alice Winters

24. “He looks mildly concerned, which is mildly concerning in itself. Anyone who isn’t fully concerned must have something wrong with them.”

— Alice Winters

25. “We’re going to the retirement home, then?” “Oh, I would love to see you trying to do some community service with fragile old humans. They’d be like ‘But I would just like a glass of water.’ And you’d be like ‘Don’t be so weak, human. I’m older than you! Get your own water!”

— Alice Winters

26. “A part of me knows this is the stupidest idea I’ve ever had. Another part of me knows I’m doing it just to annoy my grandmother because this will be a disaster. And a tiny part of me is just so fed up with everything that I’m horribly curious what will happen when I sic Alastair on the world.”

— Alice Winters

27. “It’s clear we’re destined to be with each other. And then I remember that he’s a superhero and I’m a villain and we are not meant to be. It’s like Romeo and Juliet, but where I will not murder myself when he’s simply sleeping. Yes, he’s Juliet in this scenario.”

— Alice Winters

28. “Henry: Why the hell am I part of this group text?”

— Alice Winters

29. “You are so good at this interrogating stuff, I’d love to take notes,” I say as I pull out my notepad and write at the top: A How-To Guide to Being Evil.”

— Alice Winters

30. “Being with Leland in a car is like being stuck in a room with a child hyped up on caffeine and sugar that you can’t yell at because it’s not your kid. “What exactly are we doing?” I ask as I glance over at where he’s sitting in the passenger seat.”

— Alice Winters

31. “A part of me questioned if he was taking me here to murder me, but I kind of think he’s a little dumb and self-absorbed, so I should be alright.”

— Alice Winters

32. “My cock will hold you safely in place. My cock will be like Excalibur and your ass like the rock none could pull it from.”

— Alice Winters

33. “Yeahhh, I give up. “Maybe you just need to spend some time around me and your magic will ejaculate from your body,” I say as I pat his leg in a reassuring manner.”

— Alice Winters

34. “Oh my god. Bentley is also in the mob. What have I gotten myself into? And is he into this annoyingly sexy Russian vampire? Why are they all so good-looking? Is it a requirement to be good-looking to be part of the vampire mob?”

— Alice Winters