Top 80 Amy Schumer Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That’s another one of those impossible combinations.”

— Amy Schumer

52. “I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.”

— Amy Schumer

53. “I’ve got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think – I like to think I also have a really good person in me.”

— Amy Schumer

54. “I’ve done some things I’m embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they’re unsure about.”

— Amy Schumer

55. “The saddest revelation I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people.”

— Amy Schumer

56. “Looking back now, I’m horrified that she let me play that role. To allow your thirteen-year-old to be your support system while you are simultaneously ripping her world apart is not a kind thing to do. I.”

— Amy Schumer

57. “Sitting and writing and talking to no one is how I wish I could spend the better part of every day.”

— Amy Schumer

58. “Love yourself! You don’t need a man or a boy or a self-proclaimed love expert to tell you what you’re worth. Your power comes from who you are and what you do! You don’t need all that noise, that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not you’re good enough. All you need is you, your friends, and your family. And you will find the right person for you, if that’s what you want – the one who respects your strength and beauty.”

— Amy Schumer

59. “To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you’re saying to people.”

— Amy Schumer

60. “If you’re a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires.”

— Amy Schumer

61. “I feel very open with people, and I’m good at disarming them and having conversations.”

— Amy Schumer

62. “My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.”

— Amy Schumer

63. “I’m still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.”

— Amy Schumer

64. “What’s wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this “problem” for you, even if you yourself don’t have any kind of problem with it.”

— Amy Schumer

65. “I feel like you know what you’re going to be good at when you’re older based on what you like when you’re younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he’s a crack head.”

— Amy Schumer

66. “Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?”

— Amy Schumer

67. “I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.”

— Amy Schumer

68. “I don’t know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don’t know how we survive at all. It feels impossible.”

— Amy Schumer

69. “I have a two-headed bear that I never named. It was a gift from an ex-boyfriend. It was a pretty perfect gift. Soft and disturbing, which is how I would describe myself. I still have it.”

— Amy Schumer

70. “I completely identify as female, believe it or not.”

— Amy Schumer

71. “My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.”

— Amy Schumer

72. “I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don’t think you can rise much above that.”

— Amy Schumer

73. “Tilda Swinton’s.”

— Amy Schumer

74. “I am not special just because I’m famous right now.”

— Amy Schumer

75. “Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they’re the worst. I.”

— Amy Schumer

76. “Stand-up is not something that you’re good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn’t have to get over stage fright.”

— Amy Schumer

77. “I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.”

— Amy Schumer

78. “I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they’ll never make it to the next level.”

— Amy Schumer

79. “The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.”

— Amy Schumer

80. “The truth is, whoever I’ve dated, if I’ve ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I’ve asked them first. And I’ve gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.”

— Amy Schumer

81. “I’m a flawed fuckup and I haven’t figured anything out, so I have no wisdom to offer you.”

— Amy Schumer

82. “I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation – like I know where I’m going to be in three years.”

— Amy Schumer