Top 80 Amy Schumer Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.”

— Amy Schumer

2. “The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.”

— Amy Schumer

3. “I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.”

— Amy Schumer

4. “Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.”

— Amy Schumer

5. “You shoot saltwater in your ass?”

— Amy Schumer

6. “Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?”

— Amy Schumer

7. “My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.”

— Amy Schumer

8. “We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can.”

— Amy Schumer

9. “I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn’t play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!”

— Amy Schumer

10. “To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.”

— Amy Schumer

11. “I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.”

— Amy Schumer

12. “I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test.”

— Amy Schumer

13. “Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.”

— Amy Schumer

14. “It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!”

— Amy Schumer

15. “I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out – I work out hard.”

— Amy Schumer

16. “Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there’s room for all of us.”

— Amy Schumer

17. “Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?’”

— Amy Schumer

18. “I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn’t love you.”

— Amy Schumer

19. “My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, ‘Look at you! You’re an angel. You sparkle!’ And I was like, ‘I do!’ You believe your parents.”

— Amy Schumer

20. “I’ll never forget the day I realized I wasn’t quite the Ford model I thought I was.”

— Amy Schumer

21. “I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.”

— Amy Schumer

22. “I’m sure in the past I’ve said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can’t deliver. I’m sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There’s something beautiful about truly being there for another person.”

— Amy Schumer

23. “Isn’t it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?”

— Amy Schumer

24. “I’m not bulletproof, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this. As women, we relive our fears all the time, despite our best efforts to build each other up and truly love ourselves. It happens.”

— Amy Schumer

25. “You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I’m drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.”

— Amy Schumer

26. “I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet – this is exciting – I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”

— Amy Schumer

27. “She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she’s like, ‘You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, who cares, right?’ I mean it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.”

— Amy Schumer

28. “I’m not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.”

— Amy Schumer

29. “Let’s all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.”

— Amy Schumer

30. “I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.”

— Amy Schumer

31. “I’ll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.’”

— Amy Schumer

32. “The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn’t it? By vomiting or using hard drugs – which I can’t afford.”

— Amy Schumer

33. “Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re shy. It means you enjoy being alone.”

— Amy Schumer

34. “Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re shy. It means you enjoy being alone. Not just enjoy it – you need it. If you’re a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don’t hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them – like the sun. They give you life, sure, but they can also burn you and.”

— Amy Schumer

35. “I don’t even want to know someone who isn’t barely hanging on by a thread.”

— Amy Schumer

36. “We had to break up, though. We wanted different things – like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.”

— Amy Schumer

37. “I’ve always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don’t say anything for shock value.”

— Amy Schumer

38. “Love yourself. You don’t need a man, or a boy, or a self-proclaimed love expert to tell you what you’re worth. Your power comes from who you are and what you do. You don’t need all that noise – that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not you’re good enough.”

— Amy Schumer

39. “If you’re a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don’t hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them – like the sun.”

— Amy Schumer

40. “Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I’ll be there too, but I promise not to bother you.”

— Amy Schumer

41. “It was especially striking to me to learn that gun violence is specifically a women’s issue: women in America are eleven times more likely to be murdered with guns than women in other developed nations.”

— Amy Schumer

42. “Just because my job requires me to make fun of myself into a microphone and wear my heart on my sleeve for hire dosn’t mean I can’t be an introvert as well. Believe it or not, I do have a complex inner life just like you, and I enjoy being alone. I need it. And I’ve never been happier than I was when I finally figured this out about myself.”

— Amy Schumer

43. “I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.”

— Amy Schumer

44. “So if you’re an introvert like me, especially a female introvert, or a person who is expected to give away your energy to everyone else on the reg, I want to encourage you to find time to be alone. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I’ll be there too, but I promise not to bother you.”

— Amy Schumer

45. “Song “Sixteen Going on Seventeen” is actually about syphilis.”

— Amy Schumer

46. “It’s hard out there for a fuzzy little introvert.”

— Amy Schumer

47. “I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I’m equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I’m at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.”

— Amy Schumer

48. “I can stand onstage all night talking to thousands of people about my most vulnerable and private feelings – like my thoughts on the last guy who was inside me, or the fact that I eat like the glutton in the movie Se7en when I’m drunk. But I really don’t do as well at parties or gatherings where I feel like I am obligated to be more “social.” Usually.”

— Amy Schumer

49. “Comedy isn’t really something where you get discovered. You can’t network your way to being funny or talented. It’s not hard to get seen if you’re funny. If you’re funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.”

— Amy Schumer

50. “I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t want to do that. But, who knows?”

— Amy Schumer