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Amy Schumer Quotes

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Amy Schumer Quote: “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.”

I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.

— Amy Schumer



Amy Schumer Quote: “You shoot saltwater in your ass?”

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?”

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.”

Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.”

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.”

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!”

It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test.”

I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn’t love you.”

I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn’t love you.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.”

I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.

— Amy Schumer



Amy Schumer Quote: “I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.”

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “I’ll never forget the day I realized I wasn’t quite the Ford model I thought I was.”

I’ll never forget the day I realized I wasn’t quite the Ford model I thought I was.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.”

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet – this is exciting – I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”

I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet – this is exciting – I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “Let’s all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.”

Let’s all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “We had to break up, though. We wanted different things – like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.”

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things – like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.”

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, ‘Look at you! You’re an angel. You sparkle!’ And I was like, ‘I do!’ You believe your parents.”

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, ‘Look at you! You’re an angel. You sparkle!’ And I was like, ‘I do!’ You believe your parents.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you’re saying to people.”

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you’re saying to people.

— Amy Schumer


Amy Schumer Quote: “She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she’s like, ‘You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, who cares, right?’ I mean it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.”

She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she’s like, ‘You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, who cares, right?’ I mean it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

— Amy Schumer


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