Top 150 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

52. “Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

53. “Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

54. “When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

55. “I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

56. “It’s always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it’s really tough when they’re on top of you.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

57. “I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

58. “I’m trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don’t know how to surf.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

59. “I’ve always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people’s reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?”

— Anthony Jeselnik

60. “I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

61. “The world is full of horrible things...”

— Anthony Jeselnik

62. “Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?”

— Anthony Jeselnik

63. “I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

64. “Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

65. “My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?”

— Anthony Jeselnik

66. “Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

67. “My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

68. “There is nothing that’s off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

69. “If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I’ll go laptop.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

70. “Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

71. “I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

72. “I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

73. “I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

74. “When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

75. “Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

76. “It’s impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

77. “People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit; it’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re going to be a jerk but if people think you’re a nice guy then it’s tough because it’s what they expect.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

78. “The one thing I’ve found you really can’t joke about – and people think it’s death or something – is money. No one thinks it’s funny, whether you have it or you don’t. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

79. “I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

80. “I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

81. “My favorite sport is football. I’m a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

82. “I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can’t even enjoy it.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

83. “On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

84. “I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

85. “I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

86. “Hitler really wasn’t so bad. In the black way.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

87. “Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

88. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

89. “Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious – nobody saw me.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

90. “I’m getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period. And she’s already 14.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

91. “I’m a comedian and there are a lot of things I’m still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don’t like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

92. “Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

93. “I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

94. “What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

95. “I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin’s fault.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

96. “My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

97. “I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

98. “Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

99. “My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn’t want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else’s.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

100. “When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I’m older, I’m more of a cat guy.”

— Anthony Jeselnik