Top 150 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

2. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

3. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere “hah.””

— Anthony Jeselnik

4. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’”

— Anthony Jeselnik

5. “I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’”

— Anthony Jeselnik

6. “My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

7. “Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

8. “Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

9. “I’m actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

10. “My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black – that way, when I found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a let down.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

11. “I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

12. “I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

13. “I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

14. “I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

15. “I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

16. “People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

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17. “Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

18. “I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

19. “I would never hit a woman – even if she had a knife or a stutter.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

20. “You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

21. “My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

22. “My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed – if she’s ever going to be good at golf.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

23. “I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

24. “When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

25. “My girlfriend is Jewish. But it’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

26. “I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

27. “I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

28. “My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

29. “You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

30. “I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

31. “We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting – they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

32. “Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

33. “What do I care if someone doesn’t like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

34. “I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

35. “I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

36. “I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

37. “The opposite of sad is down’s syndrome.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

38. “Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got – she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

39. “A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’”

— Anthony Jeselnik

40. “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

41. “I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

42. “I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

43. “Stereotypes wouldn’t be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

44. “My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom’s funeral, while I was asleep.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

45. “My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

46. “In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding.” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

47. “Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one’s gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

48. “The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

49. “Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.”

— Anthony Jeselnik

50. “With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.”

— Anthony Jeselnik