Top 40 Bill Engvall Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’”

— Bill Engvall

2. “I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.”

— Bill Engvall

3. “I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!”

— Bill Engvall

4. “I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.”

— Bill Engvall

5. “It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

— Bill Engvall

6. “I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.”

— Bill Engvall

7. “I thought “RV” stood for “Recreational Vehicle.” No! It stands for “Ruins Vacations.””

— Bill Engvall

8. “I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.”

— Bill Engvall

9. “The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.”

— Bill Engvall

10. “I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!”

— Bill Engvall

11. “I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.”

— Bill Engvall

12. “You can’t climb a tile wall.”

— Bill Engvall

13. “In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.”

— Bill Engvall

14. “I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ’ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.”

— Bill Engvall

15. “If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.”

— Bill Engvall

16. “Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.”

— Bill Engvall

17. “No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.”

— Bill Engvall

18. “A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.”

— Bill Engvall

19. “He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.””

— Bill Engvall

20. “Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.”

— Bill Engvall

21. “You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!”

— Bill Engvall

22. “How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?”

— Bill Engvall

23. “I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’”

— Bill Engvall

24. “I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.”

— Bill Engvall

25. “Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.”

— Bill Engvall

26. “I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.”

— Bill Engvall

27. “And don’t put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!”

— Bill Engvall

28. “Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.”

— Bill Engvall

29. “If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!”

— Bill Engvall

30. “When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?”

— Bill Engvall

31. “There’s a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That’s like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.”

— Bill Engvall

32. “As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!””

— Bill Engvall

33. “Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.”

— Bill Engvall

34. “I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.”

— Bill Engvall

35. “I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.”

— Bill Engvall

36. “To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.”

— Bill Engvall

37. “I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.”

— Bill Engvall

38. “I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.”

— Bill Engvall

39. “So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.”

— Bill Engvall

40. “I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.”

— Bill Engvall

41. “When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.”

— Bill Engvall

42. “Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.”

— Bill Engvall

43. “I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.”

— Bill Engvall

44. “Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.”

— Bill Engvall

45. “The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.”

— Bill Engvall

46. “You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.”

— Bill Engvall

47. “Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.”

— Bill Engvall