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Top 30 Bob Monkhouse Quotes (2025 Update)

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.”

1. “They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”

2. “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!”

3. “I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.”

4. “My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I’d like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.”

5. “I’d like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.”

6. “My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?”

7. “When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.”

8. “I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.”

9. “Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one’s laughing now.”

10. “I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one’s laughing now.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He’s the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, “oops!””

11. “You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He’s the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, “oops!””

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “What do gardeners do when they retire?”

12. “What do gardeners do when they retire?”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?”

13. “If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.”

14. “I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.”

15. “Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.”

16. “Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.”

17. “I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.”

18. “I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.”

19. “A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!”

20. “I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!”

21. “Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?”

22. “Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “It got up to 94 degrees today – that’s pretty good at my age.”

23. “It got up to 94 degrees today – that’s pretty good at my age.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?”

24. “Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.”

25. “Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.”

26. “I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.”

27. “The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.”

28. “I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.”

29. “Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “I got my start in silent radio.”

30. “I got my start in silent radio.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “My father was ruined by hard drink – he sat on an icicle.”

31. “My father was ruined by hard drink – he sat on an icicle.”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’”

32. “My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’”

— Bob Monkhouse

Bob Monkhouse Quote: “My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.”

33. “My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.”

— Bob Monkhouse

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