Top 90 Brian Spellman Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “The glass is three fifths full of gas.”

— Brian Spellman

52. “If life was fair... one third of the people would comprise of judges and lawyers... one third of police and prison officials... and one third of legislators... and one third more to make the other three thirds make any sense at all... Thank goodness for no fair.”

— Brian Spellman

53. “Life is short unless agony is long.”

— Brian Spellman

54. “Of course I had to talk to myself. I had no prayer God. I had no prayer doG. Why not reverse bark and froth and recite verse?”

— Brian Spellman

55. “If you see me standing on my head, I’m trying to cheer you up with my frown. I need my honesty, you my pleasantry.”

— Brian Spellman

56. “I recovered from recovering so no longer celebrate not doing bad things to defend myself as good. I added new bad for good measure.”

— Brian Spellman

57. “Honesty is the best insurance policy.”

— Brian Spellman

58. “I’ve been coerced into free will.”

— Brian Spellman

59. “I can’t prove it yet know it when I seem it.”

— Brian Spellman

60. “Now I lay me down to sweeps, my Nielsen monitoring sold to keep. If I should die before I wake, display my wake at station break.”

— Brian Spellman

61. “I learned to smile, avoiding happiness advice.”

— Brian Spellman

62. “A woman drove me to drink. I don’t drink and drive.”

— Brian Spellman

63. “You can’t stop a man from stopping himself.”

— Brian Spellman

64. “The brain is unreliable. It relies on lies.”

— Brian Spellman

65. “When to others it’s not lying. It’s privacy.”

— Brian Spellman

66. “I’m nostalgic for a better tomorrow.”

— Brian Spellman

67. “I couldn’t stop so I quit.”

— Brian Spellman

68. “My abs are normal – McAmerican.”

— Brian Spellman

69. “If the mind fits, shrink it.”

— Brian Spellman

70. “The late bird gets the fish that got the worm.”

— Brian Spellman

71. “Paradoxes only stump sane people. Nuts have irrational on our side.”

— Brian Spellman

72. “Feed a squirrel and he’ll leave you alone every day.”

— Brian Spellman

73. “A CEO is known by the company he reaps.”

— Brian Spellman

74. “A bind is when you’re quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.”

— Brian Spellman

75. “I must catch up on procrastination.”

— Brian Spellman

76. “War makes persons special, peoples cheap.”

— Brian Spellman

77. “That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.”

— Brian Spellman

78. “They safely cured the world of sadness, wiser the Pfizer for it?”

— Brian Spellman

79. “Again, your name? I was psychoanalyzing your face.”

— Brian Spellman

80. “I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.”

— Brian Spellman

81. “Don’t stay in this now. You’ll fall behind.”

— Brian Spellman

82. “It’s a free country.” Inmates once bought this. That’s why they’re inmates.”

— Brian Spellman

83. “Suicide solves midlife crises.”

— Brian Spellman

84. “I think I think too much too.”

— Brian Spellman

85. “Allow me to contradict my clarifications and in no time we’ll get to the bottom of nothing.”

— Brian Spellman

86. “Nostalgia was never what it used to be.”

— Brian Spellman

87. “I haven’t learned how to confront a problem by avoiding it.”

— Brian Spellman

88. “People in grass houses shouldn’t get stoned.”

— Brian Spellman

89. “Love of money is the root of all evil, so governments honor politicians on it. Figures.”

— Brian Spellman

90. “A fool and his money are soon parted but don’t worry, The Fed always prints more.”

— Brian Spellman

91. “Sometimes the first insanity is the worst insanity. Sometimes it’s the only one. Sometimes that’s good news. Sometimes it’s bad news.”

— Brian Spellman

92. “We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.”

— Brian Spellman

93. “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance. If there’s one thing I won’t tolerate, it’s misteaks.”

— Brian Spellman

94. “I’m not holding a grudge. I just don’t like you.”

— Brian Spellman

95. “Marriage is made in Heaven. “... till death do you part.” So is divorce.”

— Brian Spellman

96. “Toilet paper makes the first world go round.”

— Brian Spellman

97. “It is free speech, just edited into defeat.”

— Brian Spellman

98. “A little money can buy happiness; a lot can buy addiction.”

— Brian Spellman