Top 90 Brian Spellman Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.”

— Brian Spellman

2. “Never speak ill of the dead, insult his kin instead.”

— Brian Spellman

3. “There’s an ad for every vice. That’s advice.”

— Brian Spellman

4. “Most leave to be on time, thus always late.”

— Brian Spellman

5. “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear so don’t look and they’ll stay farther away than you expect they would.”

— Brian Spellman

6. “Talking to yourself is okay. Answering back is risky.”

— Brian Spellman

7. “Life imitates art and art imitates life until both imitate imitation – Reality TV.”

— Brian Spellman

8. “Never leave to be on time to be on time.”

— Brian Spellman

9. “My son, I don’t believe in God, prayer, afterlife or miracles. You may disagree with me on all of these. I’d prefer that you agree and reserve rebellion and independence over important issues instead.”

— Brian Spellman

10. “I hate feeling hate but feeling nothing feels worse.”

— Brian Spellman

11. “On the plus side, life doesn’t add up.”

— Brian Spellman

12. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Let them eat croissants.”

— Brian Spellman

13. “The jury returned with a verdict of “Don’t ask me, I wasn’t there,” and was excused.”

— Brian Spellman

14. “I can’t answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn’t fit unless we saw the same shrink.”

— Brian Spellman

15. “I forgot what I was going to think.”

— Brian Spellman

16. “I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.”

— Brian Spellman

17. “If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?”

— Brian Spellman

18. “Our archaeological ancestry lost hair while growing sweat glands to reduce panting in the hot African sun. One outcome evolved the origin of our speech. Another conquered our ability to shut the hell up and listen. Now? Politicians grunting “On the Origin of Speeches” past one another.”

— Brian Spellman

19. “Build the prisons and they will commit the crimes.”

— Brian Spellman

20. “Psychiatrists urge me to take my tranquilizers. When I don’t they become agitated. I take their pills to calm them down.”

— Brian Spellman

21. “Don’t hold grudges. Life’s too long.”

— Brian Spellman

22. “First, let me finish. Then interrupt.”

— Brian Spellman

23. “If you sense so badly that you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense... sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.”

— Brian Spellman

24. “There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.”

— Brian Spellman

25. “Honest I’m a liar. Believe me?”

— Brian Spellman

26. “Babies are never suicidal. Hard lives, not hard boiled eggs do that.”

— Brian Spellman

27. “He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword... unless he’s a general.”

— Brian Spellman

28. “I awoke to a daymare. Life.”

— Brian Spellman

29. “All surgery and no makeup make Jack a dull girl.”

— Brian Spellman

30. “Dreams don’t come true, they are true.”

— Brian Spellman

31. “If you want to commit suicide why tell anyone? They’d ruin everything.”

— Brian Spellman

32. “I love objectivity when mine.”

— Brian Spellman

33. “Everybody wants to be smart except smart people who want to be stable.”

— Brian Spellman

34. “I’m all groan up in America.”

— Brian Spellman

35. “The fine line between genius and madness is a punch line. Duck, you idiot!”

— Brian Spellman

36. “Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.”

— Brian Spellman

37. “As one mouth closes, another always opens.”

— Brian Spellman

38. “Fifty percent of life is ninety percent indecisive. The rest is confusing.”

— Brian Spellman

39. “I say there is no darkness but ignorance,” said William Shakespeare. How would he know, he knew everything?”

— Brian Spellman

40. “Fear of curiosity kills the cat... slowly.”

— Brian Spellman

41. “I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.”

— Brian Spellman

42. “I dreamed of being special then awoke to be unique.”

— Brian Spellman

43. “People always switched on turn me off.”

— Brian Spellman

44. “It’s no longer time to take sides for or against race, rather sides against those who still do.”

— Brian Spellman

45. “My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.”

— Brian Spellman

46. “If at first you don’t concede, try, try a gun.”

— Brian Spellman

47. “I never read Civil Disobedience. They did assign it.”

— Brian Spellman

48. “Absence makes the mind go yonder.”

— Brian Spellman

49. “The shot glass is half smashed.”

— Brian Spellman

50. “Psychosis is person less persona, raving sincerity.”

— Brian Spellman