Top 35 Carol Leifer Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.”

— Carol Leifer

2. “Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I’ll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.”

— Carol Leifer

3. “As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.”

— Carol Leifer

4. “Just be your authentic self because there’s nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.”

— Carol Leifer

5. “I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you’re just afraid to put yourself out there, and it’s uncomfortable because it’s working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.”

— Carol Leifer

6. “I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.”

— Carol Leifer

7. “Obviously, at this age, I’ve lost people in my life. But with a parent, it’s just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he’d always be around. So I’m finding acceptance of my father’s death is the hardest thing to accept.”

— Carol Leifer

8. “I’m not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a ‘yes.’ So it’s worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.”

— Carol Leifer

9. “Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it’s a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it’s a frilly bookmark.”

— Carol Leifer

10. “My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he’s somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.”

— Carol Leifer

11. “Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, “Is someone sitting there?” just say, “No one except the Lord.””

— Carol Leifer

12. “When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship – first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you’ve stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.”

— Carol Leifer

13. “When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.”

— Carol Leifer

14. “I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The ‘Big Island’ – that name cracks me up. First of all, it’s not that big, so I’m pretty sure a guy came up with that name.”

— Carol Leifer

15. “Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I’d have to do it soon ’cause it’s getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it – the latest – by the ended of this show.”

— Carol Leifer

16. “I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.”

— Carol Leifer

17. “I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn’t part of a small enough minority. So now I’m a Jewish lesbian vegan.”

— Carol Leifer

18. “I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there’s got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.”

— Carol Leifer

19. “I’ve seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn’t understand their comedy or their sensibility.”

— Carol Leifer

20. “Long Island – if you’re from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.”

— Carol Leifer

21. “My stand-up act is very clean.”

— Carol Leifer

22. “Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.”

— Carol Leifer

23. “I feel I’ve always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.”

— Carol Leifer

24. “My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.”

— Carol Leifer

25. “Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.”

— Carol Leifer

26. “My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.”

— Carol Leifer

27. “There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.”

— Carol Leifer

28. “They’re all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.”

— Carol Leifer

29. “I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.”

— Carol Leifer

30. “All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.”

— Carol Leifer

31. “The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was Hang up, I got it!”

— Carol Leifer

32. “My father was the kind of guy who’d always say ‘Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,’”

— Carol Leifer

33. “My father was a huge influence on me.”

— Carol Leifer

34. “I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.”

— Carol Leifer

35. “It was a mixed marriage. I’m human, and he was a Klingon.”

— Carol Leifer

36. “If you thought you didn’t like some people on land...”

— Carol Leifer

37. “There are so many opportunities that I could’ve gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.”

— Carol Leifer