1. “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
— Chelsea Peretti
2. “Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?”
3. “My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don’t really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she’s been really helpful.”
4. “Why are old maps always burnt?”
5. “Im Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.”
6. “I would say that I have a love-hate relationship with almost everything in my life, including stand-up.”
7. “I only do private room karaoke where its just me and one of my closest girlfriends. My mom always said I could really belt songs out, and the Dixie Chicks feed that encouragement.”
8. “On tour, its either call ex-boyfriends or tweet a lot. Youre just looking for any proof that youre not completely alone.”
9. “Sometimes when Im nervous, thats when the most interesting things happen.”
10. “I feel like women are frequently seen as guests in the comedy world...”
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