Top 40 Colin Mochrie Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.”

— Colin Mochrie

2. “NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.”

— Colin Mochrie

3. “Wives live longer than husbands because they’re not married to women.”

— Colin Mochrie

4. “For as long as I can remember I’ve had memories.”

— Colin Mochrie

5. “It all started with a badly timed bald joke!”

— Colin Mochrie

6. “You don’t sweat much for a fat girl!”

— Colin Mochrie

7. “I’m handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.”

— Colin Mochrie

8. “We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.”

— Colin Mochrie

9. “After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.”

— Colin Mochrie

10. “When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling ’em up in a carpet and burning it, you’d better make sure they’re dead!”

— Colin Mochrie

11. “The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!”

— Colin Mochrie

12. “Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang...”

— Colin Mochrie

13. “Every song a hit, every hit a smack!”

— Colin Mochrie

14. “This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.”

— Colin Mochrie

15. “Hey, come on, I’ve seen younger faces on money. Money.”

— Colin Mochrie

16. “Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!”

— Colin Mochrie

17. “We’ll be back to our nature documentary, ‘Baggy the Anorexic Elephant’ in just a second.”

— Colin Mochrie

18. “I believe it was Shakespeare who said, ‘All the world’s a stage, and you are CRAP!’”

— Colin Mochrie

19. “What kind of FBI agent are you?”

— Colin Mochrie

20. “There’s many times this year I’ve sat back and thought, I’m making a living from making things up. It’s the only skill I have so I’ve been really lucky.”

— Colin Mochrie

21. “If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?”

— Colin Mochrie

22. “Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!”

— Colin Mochrie

23. “My mother on her death bed told me, ‘Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?’ – it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I’d move to a country where there were no kangaroos!”

— Colin Mochrie

24. “Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.”

— Colin Mochrie

25. “I have so many evil plans, I’m just trying to find the one which would be best right now!”

— Colin Mochrie

26. “I’m a traveling practical joker. That’s my line of work.”

— Colin Mochrie

27. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It’s not like the sheep was underage.”

— Colin Mochrie

28. “I was a bookworm. Every week I’d go to the library and get seven books. Remember libraries? I wonder if people still go. And I learned about everything from the library. I came from a Scottish family. Old school.”

— Colin Mochrie

29. “The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.”

— Colin Mochrie

30. “Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.”

— Colin Mochrie

31. “What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?”

— Colin Mochrie

32. “I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.”

— Colin Mochrie

33. “You know, if I don’t make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife.”

— Colin Mochrie

34. “Why are there so many trees in the jungle?”

— Colin Mochrie

35. “My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.”

— Colin Mochrie

36. “Onstage I do all the stuff I’d never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I’ve ever had.”

— Colin Mochrie

37. “I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we’re out there, everything’s fine.”

— Colin Mochrie

38. “Books made up the bulk of my birthday and Christmas presents. Then I discovered the public library.”

— Colin Mochrie

39. “To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that’s why I just make up crap.”

— Colin Mochrie

40. “Let me play a man in a scene.”

— Colin Mochrie

41. “And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie.”

— Colin Mochrie

42. “But you know, we have more hits than you can possibly think about. One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved.”

— Colin Mochrie

43. “Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?”

— Colin Mochrie