Top 50 Craig Alanson Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Bitches be crazy.”

— Craig Alanson

2. “Break the problem down into manageable pieces, then solve each piece. Think of the problem as an enemy, and defeat them in detail.”

— Craig Alanson

3. “I was surprised that peacekeeping involved killing so many people, but it is what it is.”

— Craig Alanson

4. “Semper Taedium could be our motto: ‘Always Boredom’. I’d be happy with that.”

— Craig Alanson

5. “This is Captain Uhtavio Scorandum of the Ethics and Compliance Office ship We Don’t Want to Brag About That Thing You Can’t Prove We Did.”

— Craig Alanson

6. “First, no plan survives contact with the enemy. Second, the enemy also makes plans.”

— Craig Alanson

7. “The Rindhalu cruisers Sword of Darmok and Spear of Jalad performed a stealthy jump into the far reaches of the Tanagra.”

— Craig Alanson

8. “Anyway, as Hannibal Smith of the A Team said, overkill is underrated.”

— Craig Alanson

9. “In my experience, Mr. Slean, whenever theory meets reality, theory loses.”

— Craig Alanson

10. “Larry, Moe, and Curly.”

— Craig Alanson

11. “I need to talk with Skippy about it first.” As I organized my thoughts, doubt crept in to tickle my mind. More like doubt hit me on the head with a hammer. What’s that saying from the movie ‘Dune’? Something like ‘Fear is the mind-killer’?”

— Craig Alanson

12. “One of the special forces asked Skippy whether we could see the Sun from there, and Skippy enhanced the image in our helmet visors, so we could see the faint light of our home star. I remember Skippy reminding us that the light we were seeing then left the sun eighteen hundred years ago. The Roman Empire ruled the Mediterranean back then. Under that perspective, the authority of Earth begins to seem thin after we pass through a couple wormholes.”

— Craig Alanson

13. “Both the Glory and the destroyer We are Proud to Honor Clan Sub-Leader Rash-au-Tal Vergent who Inspires us Every Day had gathered vital intelligence about Ruhar defense tactics and capabilities.”

— Craig Alanson

14. “You want to have fun causing trouble? Go online and start a credible rumor that Justin Beiber is going to play Darth Vader in the next Star Wars movie.” I suggested.”

— Craig Alanson

15. “Not that you’re bragging or anything.” “No, I’m very modest. Astonishingly modest, considering how awesome I am.” “Oh, for sure, your awesome modesty is your most impressive trait.” I rolled my eyes at that. “It’s amazing how humble you are.” “Yup. I’m very proud of my humbleness.”

— Craig Alanson

16. “Barney, the big purple cartoon dinosaur with the perpetual stupid grin. Barney, and Smurfs, Mickey Mouse, unicorns, and a lot of other fictional characters were painted on the truck. Whoever decided which characters to paint on the truck had made interesting choices, like, why was Iron Man waving to the Smurfs?”

— Craig Alanson

17. “Because, sir, the United States Marine Corps is a forward-thinking organization, and they anticipated Earth would be invaded by aliens, leaving a major force trapped offworld to develop its own independent economy,” Rivera said with a deadpan expression. “My master’s degree is in management; economics was my undergrad major.”

— Craig Alanson

18. “It’s sort of a hobby. I tried collecting stamps, but messing with the universe is so much more relaxing.”

— Craig Alanson

19. “No problem. Seriously, Joe, women have just as much trouble understanding men, as men have trouble understanding women. The difference is, women generally want to understand men in order to be better relationship partners. Men mostly are looking to get women into bed.”

— Craig Alanson

20. “Except if they bet wrong, they probably would not live to collect,” he chuckled. “That wouldn’t stop those beetles from taking the action anyway.”

— Craig Alanson

21. “At my level, the laws of physics are more like suggestions. And.”

— Craig Alanson

22. “I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.”

— Craig Alanson

23. “The enemy was not waiting for death, they hit back, concentrating all their fire on the cruiser Never Tell Me The Odds, knocking back that ship’s shields and forcing it to break away.”

— Craig Alanson

24. “Amateurs discuss tactics. Professionals discuss logistics’.”

— Craig Alanson

25. “No!” Skippy shouted. “Damn you are a dumbass! Seriously! Oh, this is hopeless. Hopeless! Girls hate it when a clueless guy uses too much cologne, and you guys always use too much or not at all. Put that can down! Get dressed, wear the blue shirt.”

— Craig Alanson

26. “Part of being super smart is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and let the other guy talk.”

— Craig Alanson

27. “How would you invade Canada?” “Jeez, it’s not something I’ve thought about. Probably, um,” I stared at the ceiling. “Infiltrate small groups across the border undercover as hockey fans, then they seize control of strategically important Tim Horton’s donut shops? Without access to coffee and Timbits,” I chuckled, “their economy would grind to a halt.”

— Craig Alanson

28. “Joe you idiot!” He jumped up and down on the desk, waving his arms frantically. “Don’t you know that if you recite the Ikea catalog in the wrong order, you could accidentally summon a demon?”

— Craig Alanson

29. “This could be a long story, so I’ll break it down Barney style for you.”

— Craig Alanson

30. “The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.”

— Craig Alanson

31. “I like pineapple.”

— Craig Alanson

32. “To Seek Glory in Battle is Glorious emerged high above the planet’s southern continent, almost two thirds of the way to the pole.”

— Craig Alanson

33. “I was wondering; there are bi-scuits, and tri-scuits, right? So, is there a plain ‘scuit’? What would that look like?”

— Craig Alanson

34. “The shorts I’m wearing right now have so many holes, the only reason they haven’t dissolved is the cotton molecules are holding hands.”

— Craig Alanson

35. “They’re like my aunt Claire,” Dave went on. “When something bad happens to someone else, she says God is punishing them. When something bad happens to her, God is testing her faith. It’s the perfect system; no matter what happens, she’s right and everyone else is wrong.”

— Craig Alanson

36. “Your homeworld is a miserable ball of mud, infested with ignorant monkeys but, I have become rather fond of them. Their whacky antics amuse me.”

— Craig Alanson

37. “Kekrando had been preparing for a war game, which was why he was aboard the destroyer We are Proud to Follow the Shining Example of Combat Rifleman Tuut-uas-Val Kedwala instead of his command ship the He Who Pushes Aside Fear Shall Always be Victorious.”

— Craig Alanson

38. “We put my possibly not incredibly awful stupid plan into action two days later. Two days after that, the Kristang took the bait.”

— Craig Alanson

39. “The Count then proceeded to explain the importance of our mission to bring delicious chocolaty breakfast cereal to the children of the world, and how much Franken Berry cereal sucked by comparison. While talking, the Count picked a booger from his nose, tried to flick it away, then smeared it on his jacket lapel.”

— Craig Alanson

40. “My suggestion is you find one woman, and do your best to understand her. I hear that is quite rewarding.”

— Craig Alanson

41. “I am Gunnery Sergeant Cragen, of the United States Marine Corps.” Cragen paused as shouts of ‘Oorah’ and ‘Semper Fi’ rang out from the crowd. “I am relieved to hear that we have a few qualified riflemen among us. Since the rest of you are Army, I’ll try to talk slowly, so you can understand.” The other Marines laughed at that remark.”

— Craig Alanson

42. “Do the details matter right now? The Tajiks might have sent a hit squad to Magnus Skippton’s supposed home in the Cayman Islands.”

— Craig Alanson

43. “Here’s a simple test to tell whether a guy wants to get together with a girl: Step One- does he have a pulse? Step Two- is he conscious?”

— Craig Alanson

44. “Level Two is a black op where you put the blame on someone else.”

— Craig Alanson

45. “The light we’re seeing left our Sun three hundred thousand years ago,” I had not actually asked a question. “That is a loooong time.” “Indeed it is, Joe,” Skippy agreed. “When that light left your home star, Thag the Caveman had just sat down for what he was assured would be a short wait at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Sadly, he is still waiting.”

— Craig Alanson

46. “Friedlander chuckled. “Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in theater?” “I don’t know?” “They went to see ‘Closed for the Winter’.” “Ha!”

— Craig Alanson

47. “We fight the wars. Politicians start them.” Chotek nodded, and sighed heavily. “And diplomats end wars.”

— Craig Alanson

48. “The situation of the Kristang reminded me of an old TV show my sister found and binge-watched; you needed a spreadsheet to keep track of the characters, and everyone dies anyway.”

— Craig Alanson

49. “When things change, even radically, you look at your buddies, shake your head, shrug, and adapt. That’s what you do, as soldiers. Civilians get upset when the menu changes at Applebees.”

— Craig Alanson

50. “I was not going to let fear of criticism make me shy away from doing what I thought was right.”

— Craig Alanson