Top 40 Cynthia Heimel Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Women wearing men’s clothes are chic, men wearing women’s clothes make us fall on the floor laughing.”

— Cynthia Heimel

2. “The only women who don’t believe that sexual harassment is a real problem in this country are women who have never been in the workplace.”

— Cynthia Heimel

3. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”

— Cynthia Heimel

4. “Homework, root canals, and deadlines are the important things in life, and only when we have these major dramas taken care of can we presume to look at the larger questions.”

— Cynthia Heimel

5. “The buying of a self-help book is the most desperate of all human acts. It means you’ve lost your mind completely: You’ve entrusted your mental health to a self-aggrandizing twit with a psychology degree and a yen for a yacht.”

— Cynthia Heimel

6. “Dogs are us, only innocent.”

— Cynthia Heimel

7. “All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.”

— Cynthia Heimel

8. “You love somebody, and then you don’t love them anymore. But if you really love somebody, you always love them, don’t you? Isn’t there always some small part of you that reads their horoscope in the paper everyday?”

— Cynthia Heimel

9. “Dogs and humans are symbiotic species. We need each other.”

— Cynthia Heimel

10. “Enough about you let’s hear about me.”

— Cynthia Heimel

11. “You can’t take away knowledge, and it’s dangerous to pretend you never had it.”

— Cynthia Heimel

12. “Swingers are all from the suburbs and consequently brain-addled by car pools, shopping malls, and welcome wagons.”

— Cynthia Heimel

13. “There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth.”

— Cynthia Heimel

14. “The country is suffering from musical-chairs syndrome. We all dance around for a bit and then when we try to sit down again, somebody doesn’t have a chair. We’re running scared; we want ours.”

— Cynthia Heimel

15. “The media know exactly what they’re doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio’s hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn’t, we might think about things.”

— Cynthia Heimel

16. “Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I’ll show you a woman with enlarged pores.”

— Cynthia Heimel

17. “When in doubt, make a fool of yourself.”

— Cynthia Heimel

18. “The Pain-Free Shopping Method: Buy a present for you, then a present for a friend. Then another present for you. Then a present for a friend. Then two presents for you. Then a present for a friend. Then go home, get into bed, and pull up the covers.”

— Cynthia Heimel

19. “It seems to me, correct me if I’m wrong, that there are an awful lot of people in Manhattan. And it’s getting worse.”

— Cynthia Heimel

20. “This is New York, a combat zone, and everyone has to have an angle or they’re not allowed over the bridges or through the tunnels. Let them have their angles, it’s what they live for. You’ve got better things to worry about, like making sure the people that actually matter don’t try any funny stuff.”

— Cynthia Heimel

21. “Never judge someone by who he’s in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people.”

— Cynthia Heimel

22. “Wearing makeup is an apology for our actual faces.”

— Cynthia Heimel

23. “Here is Heimel’s Law: Anything you fantasize about won’t come true. So just cut it out.”

— Cynthia Heimel

24. “Women are not ladies. The term connotates females who are simultaneously put on a pedestal and patronized.”

— Cynthia Heimel

25. “Not one woman over seventeen has any faith in her skin tone, and no woman over thirty can ever regard her upper arms with equanimity.”

— Cynthia Heimel

26. “We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.”

— Cynthia Heimel

27. “Reading is an escape, an education, a delving into the brain of another human being on such an intimate level that every nuance of thought, every snapping of synapse, every slippery desire of the author is laid open before you like, well, a book.”

— Cynthia Heimel

28. “We have to have faith in ourselves. I have never met a woman who, deep down in her core, really believes she has great legs. And if she suspects that she might have great legs, then she’s convinced that she has a shrill voice and no neck.”

— Cynthia Heimel

29. “Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.”

— Cynthia Heimel

30. “A sense of humor isn’t everything. It’s only 90 percent of everything.”

— Cynthia Heimel

31. “You never get anywhere until you figure out the difference between passion and compassion.”

— Cynthia Heimel

32. “In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a nightclub by mistake, when we leave the doorman will be lying in the street surrounded by police.”

— Cynthia Heimel

33. “In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other’s genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they’ve slid under the table.”

— Cynthia Heimel

34. “Men, being conditioned badly, are always feeling nooses closing around their necks, even dumpy boors no girl would take on a bet.”

— Cynthia Heimel

35. “You know what we can be like: see a guy and think he’s cute one minute, the next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says, ‘I’d like you to meet Cecil,’ we shout, ‘You’re late again with the child support!’”

— Cynthia Heimel

36. “With dogs, you don’t need gurus. Dogs are forever in the moment. They are always a tidal wave of feelings, and every feeling is some variant of love.”

— Cynthia Heimel

37. “Possessions, for the terminally frightened, bring peace of mind.”

— Cynthia Heimel

38. “When women are excited about a date, they go immediately on a diet, because all women know they are hideously obese.”

— Cynthia Heimel

39. “Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.”

— Cynthia Heimel

40. “Contrary to popular cable TV-induced opinion, aerobics have nothing to do with squeezing our body into hideous shiny Spandex, grinning like a deranged orangutan, and doing cretinous steps to debauched disco music.”

— Cynthia Heimel

41. “One does not have to sleep with, or even touch, someone who has paid for your meal. All those obligations are hereby rendered null and void, and any man who doesn’t think so needs a quick jab in the kidney.”

— Cynthia Heimel

42. “Friends are the twenty-first-century version of extended families.”

— Cynthia Heimel

43. “A person who uses party as a verb is a person who will walk into a shop and walk out wearing a rubber jumpsuit.”

— Cynthia Heimel

44. “A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.”

— Cynthia Heimel

45. “Lots of you know me as a lone, hard-bitten columnist, prone to lurking on deserted rocky promontories while searching for my muse.”

— Cynthia Heimel