Top 60 Dave Attell Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.”

— Dave Attell

2. “Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.”

— Dave Attell

3. “You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?”

— Dave Attell

Featured in: Fun Quotes

4. “I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!”

— Dave Attell

5. “When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.”

— Dave Attell

6. “Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape.”

— Dave Attell

7. “I’m sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that’s a different story.”

— Dave Attell

Featured in: Reading Quotes

8. “Let’s say you’re in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don’t know, you have too many teeth.”

— Dave Attell

9. “Here’s a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there’s someone right behind you.”

— Dave Attell

10. “Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.”

— Dave Attell

11. “Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend’s a guy who will help you move. A best friend’s a guy who will help you move a body. That’s how I look at it.”

— Dave Attell

12. “My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.”

— Dave Attell

13. “Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.”

— Dave Attell

14. “I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous.”

— Dave Attell

15. “Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.”

— Dave Attell

16. “The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!””

— Dave Attell

17. “Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you’re almost a pedophile.”

— Dave Attell

18. “Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!”

— Dave Attell

19. “Never drink alone, that’s what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?”

— Dave Attell

20. “I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders, and the drinking, court orders.”

— Dave Attell

21. “Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.”

— Dave Attell

22. “I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.”

— Dave Attell

23. “Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.”

— Dave Attell

24. “A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.”

— Dave Attell

25. “I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.”

— Dave Attell

26. “I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.”

— Dave Attell

27. “Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?”

— Dave Attell

28. “Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here’s mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.”

— Dave Attell

29. “I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.”

— Dave Attell

30. “I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend.”

— Dave Attell

31. “My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail?”

— Dave Attell

32. “You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.”

— Dave Attell

33. “You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel’s. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I’m saying? Because on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants.”

— Dave Attell

34. “I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.”

— Dave Attell

35. “Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”

— Dave Attell

36. “I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.”

— Dave Attell

37. “If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.”

— Dave Attell

38. “For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.”

— Dave Attell

39. “For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.”

— Dave Attell

40. “She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that’s just how she passed out.”

— Dave Attell

41. “I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.”

— Dave Attell

42. “I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.”

— Dave Attell

43. “I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.”

— Dave Attell

44. “I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.”

— Dave Attell

45. “Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It’s garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.”

— Dave Attell

46. “You gotta make your own fun. That’s right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I’m talking about.”

— Dave Attell

47. “A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.”

— Dave Attell

48. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.”

— Dave Attell

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

49. “Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.”

— Dave Attell

50. “I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.”

— Dave Attell