Top 60 David Cross Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It’s like having a war on jealousy.”

— David Cross

2. “I have always tried to use humor to “help ever” and “hurt never,” for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

— David Cross

3. “What happened to our friendship? I really think it’s our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, ‘Look, I’m sorry, but your baby is fking boring.’”

— David Cross

4. “The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It’s so funny! Right in the first six pages, it’s funny!”

— David Cross

5. “James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.”

— David Cross

6. “I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I’m not very good at.”

— David Cross

7. “I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m not a Republican. I’m not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...”

— David Cross

8. “I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don’t, and I haven’t for awhile. That’s just because it makes me – and I’m not saying this about everybody else – but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.”

— David Cross

9. “The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.”

— David Cross

10. “I’ve never written jokes. I mean, I’ll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.”

— David Cross

11. “I don’t mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.”

— David Cross

12. “When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.”

— David Cross

13. “I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets. But that’s the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren’t interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I’ll never understand the anger people have toward me.”

— David Cross

14. “If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.”

— David Cross

15. “High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they’re both great to read when you’re baked, but come on, ya know...”

— David Cross

16. “If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that’s not only their right but almost their obligation.”

— David Cross

17. “I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.”

— David Cross

18. “I love Tinkle, it’s really the most fun I’ve had in years.”

— David Cross

Featured in: Fun Quotes

19. “It’s not that I don’t have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven’t had kids. And I haven’t met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I’m attracted to women who aren’t ready to make that commitment just yet.”

— David Cross

20. “The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.”

— David Cross

21. “Occasionally I’ll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I’ll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they’re talking about and what they’re not talking about.”

— David Cross

22. “It probably does make it more difficult to enjoy a good laugh at someone who’s onstage, seemingly yelling at you. But I’m not yelling at the audience, I’m yelling at the world. It genuinely sucks if people are taking it that way. But I’m not talking to individuals.”

— David Cross

23. “There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.”

— David Cross

24. “Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys ’cause you’re in a sound booth by yourself and they’re all in a room in Atlanta.”

— David Cross

25. “I think I’d be a really good dad. So perhaps I’m doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.”

— David Cross

26. “I have no hesitation doing children’s movies. Zero. And I don’t even have kids.”

— David Cross

27. “I’ve never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.”

— David Cross

28. “I’ll think of the idea and then I’ll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.”

— David Cross

29. “As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don’t care about changing anyone’s mind. I’m not making an argument. I’m a guy doing comedy.”

— David Cross

30. “We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.”

— David Cross

31. “Ive got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.”

— David Cross

32. “I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.”

— David Cross

33. “Then I will tape the sets and even though I’m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.”

— David Cross

34. “You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.”

— David Cross

35. “I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.”

— David Cross

36. “There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.”

— David Cross

37. “Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.”

— David Cross

38. “Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.”

— David Cross

39. “Because you’ve been on dates where y’know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.”

— David Cross

40. “I read the New York Times, and if I’m in a different city, I’ll skim that paper.”

— David Cross

41. “My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.”

— David Cross

42. “I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.”

— David Cross

43. “I’d be curious to find out, but I don’t think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.”

— David Cross

44. “I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.”

— David Cross

45. “If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.”

— David Cross

46. “There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.”

— David Cross

47. “I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.”

— David Cross

48. “There were a number of referendums in ’98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That’s very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.”

— David Cross

49. “Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm.”

— David Cross

50. “I’m pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I’m on the above-average side of happy people.”

— David Cross