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Top 380 David Sedaris Quotes (2026 Update)
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David Sedaris Quote: “I’ve always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.”

301. “I’ve always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn’t get any reaction whatsoever.”

302. “Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn’t get any reaction whatsoever.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I never got the idea of a punishing God, just a really boring one. To see people growing up in the Carolinas who were Baptist, I knew there were others who felt God was going to send them to hell for any little thing, but not me.”

303. “I never got the idea of a punishing God, just a really boring one. To see people growing up in the Carolinas who were Baptist, I knew there were others who felt God was going to send them to hell for any little thing, but not me.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again.”

304. “It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.”

305. “Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won’t be offended.”

306. “I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won’t be offended.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “It seems crazy to cut smoking mothers out of textbooks, but within a few years they won’t be allowed in movies either. A woman can throw her newborn child from the roof of a high-rise building. She can then retrieve the body and stomp on it while shooting into the windows of a day-care center, but to celebrate these murders by lighting a cigarette is to send a harmful message. There are, after all, young people watching, and we wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea.”

307. “It seems crazy to cut smoking mothers out of textbooks, but within a few years they won’t be allowed in movies either. A woman can throw her newborn child from the roof of a high-rise building. She can then retrieve the body and stomp on it while shooting into the windows of a day-care center, but to celebrate these murders by lighting a cigarette is to send a harmful message. There are, after all, young people watching, and we wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I don’t really do very well when I’m sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.”

308. “I don’t really do very well when I’m sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “July 3, 1981 Raleigh There is a new cancer that strikes only homosexual men. I heard about it on the radio tonight.”

309. “July 3, 1981 Raleigh There is a new cancer that strikes only homosexual men. I heard about it on the radio tonight.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Ebola, not the thousands who had died of it in Africa but the single person who had it in Dallas.”

310. “Ebola, not the thousands who had died of it in Africa but the single person who had it in Dallas.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “In the Netherlands now, I imagine it’s legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church.”

311. “In the Netherlands now, I imagine it’s legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, “Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don’t know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.”

312. “A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, “Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don’t know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Why is it some people can manage a thing like a Fitbit, while others go off the rails and allow it to rule, and perhaps even ruin, their lives?”

313. “Why is it some people can manage a thing like a Fitbit, while others go off the rails and allow it to rule, and perhaps even ruin, their lives?”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the ‘Harry Potter’ books.”

314. “I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the ‘Harry Potter’ books.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “She paused, and I took the opportunity to practice the only promotional skill at my disposal: fluttering my fingers over the telephone’s mouthpiece, I attempted to cast a spell, silently chanting, It’s me who you want. Me, me, me.”

315. “She paused, and I took the opportunity to practice the only promotional skill at my disposal: fluttering my fingers over the telephone’s mouthpiece, I attempted to cast a spell, silently chanting, It’s me who you want. Me, me, me.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “The third guest, a poet, had recently published a memoir about her cancer and the many operations performed in an effort to reconstruct her jaw.”

316. “The third guest, a poet, had recently published a memoir about her cancer and the many operations performed in an effort to reconstruct her jaw.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “If some people are “outed,” are other people “inned”? Can we say that someone has been “besided” or “overed”?”

317. “If some people are “outed,” are other people “inned”? Can we say that someone has been “besided” or “overed”?”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “But I’m a humorist. I’m not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.”

318. “But I’m a humorist. I’m not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I can’t remember the last time I’ve enjoyed silence in an American theater. It’s easy to believe that our audiences spend the day saying nothing, actually saving their voices for the moment the picture begins.”

319. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve enjoyed silence in an American theater. It’s easy to believe that our audiences spend the day saying nothing, actually saving their voices for the moment the picture begins.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.”

320. “Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.”

— David Sedaris

Featured in: Fun Quotes

David Sedaris Quote: “This town is the Greek Baltimore.”

321. “This town is the Greek Baltimore.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

322. “The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.”

323. “I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I know it sounds calculating, but if you’re not cute, you might as well be clever.”

324. “I know it sounds calculating, but if you’re not cute, you might as well be clever.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I am optimistic that things will fall into place, and one day I’ll be sitting in New York City with correct bus fare in my pocket.”

325. “I am optimistic that things will fall into place, and one day I’ll be sitting in New York City with correct bus fare in my pocket.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “One day I’ll wish I had a recording of Gretchen that I could play when I start feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know that I’ve ever met a more enthusiastic person. Her key, I think, is that she’s never stopped being interested in things. She’s never decided that everything reminds her of something else, that everything worthwhile has been crossed off her list.”

326. “One day I’ll wish I had a recording of Gretchen that I could play when I start feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know that I’ve ever met a more enthusiastic person. Her key, I think, is that she’s never stopped being interested in things. She’s never decided that everything reminds her of something else, that everything worthwhile has been crossed off her list.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “If I’d been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but was just a little too gung ho for my taste.”

327. “If I’d been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but was just a little too gung ho for my taste.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “There are lots of things that happen to me that I don’t write about.”

328. “There are lots of things that happen to me that I don’t write about.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.”

329. “Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I’ve always been very upfront about the way I write, and I’ve always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.”

330. “I’ve always been very upfront about the way I write, and I’ve always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Of course, the diary helps me as well. ‘That wasn’t your position on July 7, 1991,’ I’ll remind Hugh an hour after we’ve had a fight. I’d have loved to rebut him sooner, but it takes awhile to look these things up.”

331. “Of course, the diary helps me as well. ‘That wasn’t your position on July 7, 1991,’ I’ll remind Hugh an hour after we’ve had a fight. I’d have loved to rebut him sooner, but it takes awhile to look these things up.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Most of my ribbons were for good sportsmanship, a backhanded compliment if ever there was one.”

332. “Most of my ribbons were for good sportsmanship, a backhanded compliment if ever there was one.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “The people I hung out with in my early twenties were middle-class and, at least to our minds, artistic. We’d all turned our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have access to it. No one wanted to call home asking for money, but we all knew that in a pinch our parents would come through for us.”

333. “The people I hung out with in my early twenties were middle-class and, at least to our minds, artistic. We’d all turned our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have access to it. No one wanted to call home asking for money, but we all knew that in a pinch our parents would come through for us.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “The writers she prefers are long dead and are on the wordy side. If the novel on the sofa is 700 pages long, and the author photo is an engraving, it’s either hers or Hugh’s.”

334. “The writers she prefers are long dead and are on the wordy side. If the novel on the sofa is 700 pages long, and the author photo is an engraving, it’s either hers or Hugh’s.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “After a year, you realize it takes time to rail against injustice, time you might better spend questioning fondue or describing those ferrets you couldn’t afford. Unless, of course, social injustice is you thing, in which case- knock yourself out. The point is to find out who you are and to be true to that person. Because so often you can’t. Won’t people turn away if they know the real me? you wonder.”

335. “After a year, you realize it takes time to rail against injustice, time you might better spend questioning fondue or describing those ferrets you couldn’t afford. Unless, of course, social injustice is you thing, in which case- knock yourself out. The point is to find out who you are and to be true to that person. Because so often you can’t. Won’t people turn away if they know the real me? you wonder.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I’m often misunderstood at my supermarket in Sussex, not because of my accent but because I tend to deviate from the script. Cashier: Hello, how are you this evening? Me: Has your house ever been burgled? Cashier: What? Me: Your house – has anyone ever broken into it and stolen things? With me, people aren’t thinking What did you say? so much as Why are you saying that?”

336. “I’m often misunderstood at my supermarket in Sussex, not because of my accent but because I tend to deviate from the script. Cashier: Hello, how are you this evening? Me: Has your house ever been burgled? Cashier: What? Me: Your house – has anyone ever broken into it and stolen things? With me, people aren’t thinking What did you say? so much as Why are you saying that?”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “The reverend insists we occupy the first pew. He rang us up not long ago, tipsy – he’s a tippler – saying that our faces brought him closer to God. And it’s true, we’re terribly good-looking people.”

337. “The reverend insists we occupy the first pew. He rang us up not long ago, tipsy – he’s a tippler – saying that our faces brought him closer to God. And it’s true, we’re terribly good-looking people.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn’t live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.”

338. “Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn’t live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don’t see how that’s big news.”

339. “To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don’t see how that’s big news.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I thought the president-elect’s identity as a despicable human being was something we could all agree on.”

340. “I thought the president-elect’s identity as a despicable human being was something we could all agree on.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Well, that’s a hell of a reason to poison yourself.”

341. “Well, that’s a hell of a reason to poison yourself.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “A few years later, in the midst of a brief academic setback, she trained him to act as her emotional cheerleader. I’d call and hear him in the background, screaming, “We love you, Lisa!” and “You can do it!”

342. “A few years later, in the midst of a brief academic setback, she trained him to act as her emotional cheerleader. I’d call and hear him in the background, screaming, “We love you, Lisa!” and “You can do it!”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I can manage in a restaurant, take a cab, and even make small talk with the driver. “Do you have children?” I ask. “Will you take a vacation this year?” “Where to?” When he turns it around, as Japanese cabdrivers are inclined to do, I tell him that I have three children, a big boy and two little girls. If Pimsleur included “I am a middle-aged homosexual and thus make do with a niece I never see and a very small godson,” I’d say that. In the meantime, I work with what I have.”

343. “I can manage in a restaurant, take a cab, and even make small talk with the driver. “Do you have children?” I ask. “Will you take a vacation this year?” “Where to?” When he turns it around, as Japanese cabdrivers are inclined to do, I tell him that I have three children, a big boy and two little girls. If Pimsleur included “I am a middle-aged homosexual and thus make do with a niece I never see and a very small godson,” I’d say that. In the meantime, I work with what I have.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “She hit bottom when she physically attacked a deaf-mute. This was a boy of fourteen, a beloved neighborhood figure who delivered for the nearby deli.”

344. “She hit bottom when she physically attacked a deaf-mute. This was a boy of fourteen, a beloved neighborhood figure who delivered for the nearby deli.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.”

345. “I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “Eventually I would set him straight, but until then, at least for another few seconds, I wanted to stay in this happy place. So loved and protected. So fulfilled.”

346. “Eventually I would set him straight, but until then, at least for another few seconds, I wanted to stay in this happy place. So loved and protected. So fulfilled.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I didn’t need a fifteen-minute conversation, just some human interaction. It can be had, and easily: a gesture, a joke, something that says, “I live in this world too.” I think of it as a switch that turns someone from a profession to a person, and it works both ways. “I’m not just a vehicle for my wallet!” I sometimes want to scream.”

347. “I didn’t need a fifteen-minute conversation, just some human interaction. It can be had, and easily: a gesture, a joke, something that says, “I live in this world too.” I think of it as a switch that turns someone from a profession to a person, and it works both ways. “I’m not just a vehicle for my wallet!” I sometimes want to scream.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “If you see devils, they lock you up, but in America, if you see angels, they put you on morning TV.”

348. “If you see devils, they lock you up, but in America, if you see angels, they put you on morning TV.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.”

349. “I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.”

— David Sedaris

David Sedaris Quote: “I had that in my mouth ten minutes ago and now it’s a private part?”

350. “I had that in my mouth ten minutes ago and now it’s a private part?”

— David Sedaris

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