Top 380 David Sedaris Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.”

— David Sedaris

2. “The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.”

— David Sedaris

3. “Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.”

— David Sedaris

4. “Weird doors open. People fall into things.”

— David Sedaris

5. “Write relentlessly, until you find your voice. Then, use it.”

— David Sedaris

6. “Rather than admit defeat, I decided to change goals.”

— David Sedaris

7. “If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.”

— David Sedaris

8. “I’ve often lost faith in myself, I’ve never lost it in my family.”

— David Sedaris

9. “Later that night I met a Bulgarian. “In my country, you say to someone you hate, ‘May you build a house from your kidney stones.’” Well, finally, I thought.”

— David Sedaris

10. “In Paris you’re always surrounded by French people.”

— David Sedaris

11. “Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.”

— David Sedaris

12. “It’s odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You’ll have a nice time, then two years later you’ll be like, ‘There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?’”

— David Sedaris

13. “You haven’t lived until you’ve sailed.”

— David Sedaris

14. “I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.”

— David Sedaris

15. “Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.”

— David Sedaris

16. “Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.”

— David Sedaris

17. “If you read someone else’s diary, you get what you deserve.”

— David Sedaris

18. “Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”

— David Sedaris

19. “We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”

— David Sedaris

20. “I can’t seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.”

— David Sedaris

21. “Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.”

— David Sedaris

22. “What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.”

— David Sedaris

23. “It is funny the things that run through your mind when you’re sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.”

— David Sedaris

24. “A wise man once said that in order to communicate, you have to be able to speak in someone else’s language.”

— David Sedaris

25. “Back off, world. It’s time for me to be good to me.”

— David Sedaris

26. “The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing.”

— David Sedaris

27. “The things I’ve bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.”

— David Sedaris

28. “This left me alone to solve the coffee problem – a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.”

— David Sedaris

29. “Every day spent with you is like having a cesarean section.”

— David Sedaris

30. “I dragged my balls across your mother’s memorial cake, from cherry to cherry, and to each of the candles.”

— David Sedaris

31. “You can’t brace yourself for famine if you’ve never known hunger.”

— David Sedaris

32. “I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.”

— David Sedaris

33. “High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don’t wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I’ll just deal with it when I get there.”

— David Sedaris

34. “Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.”

— David Sedaris

35. “Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?”

— David Sedaris

36. “Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.”

— David Sedaris

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

37. “One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, “What’s the most exotic place you’ve ever made love?” He was likely expecting “The kitchen” or “On a tennis court at night,” but one woman didn’t quite understand the question and answered, “In the butt.”

— David Sedaris

38. “On one tour, I was collecting stories about pet monkeys. You’d be surprised how many people have stories about monkeys. The problem is, most monkey stories end tragically.”

— David Sedaris

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

39. “But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn’t even find work as an elf. That’s when you know you’re a failure.”

— David Sedaris

40. “My family isn’t really all that different from anyone else’s. Well, maybe they’re a bit more entertaining.”

— David Sedaris

41. “If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.”

— David Sedaris

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

42. “The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”

— David Sedaris

43. “Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.” When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he’ll need some time to think.”

— David Sedaris

44. “I’m the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I’ve never even met.”

— David Sedaris

45. “When asked “What do we need to learn this for?” any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.”

— David Sedaris

46. “Art isn’t about following the rules. It’s about breaking them.”

— David Sedaris

47. “Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.”

— David Sedaris

48. “Teaching you is like having a cesarean section every day of the week.”

— David Sedaris

49. “I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.”

— David Sedaris

Featured in: Reading Quotes

50. “I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn’t like it, and changed.”

— David Sedaris