Top 35 Elayne Boosler Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body.”

— Elayne Boosler

2. “Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don’t have bullfighting.”

— Elayne Boosler

3. “To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.”

— Elayne Boosler

4. “Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.”

— Elayne Boosler

5. “My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.”

— Elayne Boosler

6. “People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s under water. But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.”

— Elayne Boosler

7. “My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there’s so much food down there.”

— Elayne Boosler

8. “We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’”

— Elayne Boosler

9. “Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.”

— Elayne Boosler

10. “For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.”

— Elayne Boosler

11. “Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?”

— Elayne Boosler

12. “I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It’s the best way to see a city.”

— Elayne Boosler

13. “There’s only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.”

— Elayne Boosler

14. “My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.”

— Elayne Boosler

15. “When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.”

— Elayne Boosler

16. “As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it’s incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.”

— Elayne Boosler

17. “I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.”

— Elayne Boosler

18. “A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.”

— Elayne Boosler

19. “I didn’t get a high school diploma. I really didn’t have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.”

— Elayne Boosler

20. “Real comedy can’t be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.”

— Elayne Boosler

21. “Laundry’s easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put ’em on, dry ’em with a hair blower.”

— Elayne Boosler

22. “I love my parents and they’re wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.”

— Elayne Boosler

23. “The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don’t have the steam anymore. “Oh, that’s it. I can’t start shaving my legs above the knee again.””

— Elayne Boosler

24. “Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream ‘You’re the best’ while swearing you’ve never done this with anyone before.”

— Elayne Boosler

25. “Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it’s ready to wear again?”

— Elayne Boosler

26. “What do hookers do on their nights off, type?”

— Elayne Boosler

27. “I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.”

— Elayne Boosler

28. “I don’t categorize myself. I don’t think I’m perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.”

— Elayne Boosler

29. “I think about death. I don’t want to die with clothes in the cleaners.”

— Elayne Boosler

30. “I’ve never been able to write for stand-up.”

— Elayne Boosler

31. “I can’t get married. I can’t fake sleep for 30 years.”

— Elayne Boosler

32. “You know you’re getting fat when you step on the dog’s tail and he dies.”

— Elayne Boosler

33. “Why isn’t the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn’t allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won’t allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.”

— Elayne Boosler

34. “You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.”

— Elayne Boosler

35. “My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It’s stunning.”

— Elayne Boosler

36. “Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.”

— Elayne Boosler