Top 60 Eugene Mirman Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger’s.”

— Eugene Mirman

2. “Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.”

— Eugene Mirman

3. “Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It’s just deciding that you’re qualified because once you decide you’re qualified, everything else becomes very easy.”

— Eugene Mirman

4. “Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?”

— Eugene Mirman

5. “Don’t throw a baby at anything – even a burglar.”

— Eugene Mirman

6. “A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn’t know what words were.”

— Eugene Mirman

7. “What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that – that is truly relaxing.”

— Eugene Mirman

8. “I think in Russia, there’s a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.”

— Eugene Mirman

9. “Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.”

— Eugene Mirman

10. “Try not to wake up on fire.”

— Eugene Mirman

11. “The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.”

— Eugene Mirman

12. “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.”

— Eugene Mirman

13. “One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that’s a poor neighborhood.”

— Eugene Mirman

14. “Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.”

— Eugene Mirman

15. “You can do anything you want, as long as it works.”

— Eugene Mirman

16. “I forget, is freedom of speech when it’s legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?”

— Eugene Mirman

17. “I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.”

— Eugene Mirman

18. “If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.”

— Eugene Mirman

19. “I laugh at weird times – at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment – as it is noticing the oddity of something.”

— Eugene Mirman

20. “I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say “nihilism?” You’d be curious. What’s underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?”

— Eugene Mirman

21. “What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No – that’s a lie promoted by the bears.”

— Eugene Mirman

22. “On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don’t use your scale.”

— Eugene Mirman

23. “I don’t emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it’s truly a toss-away word.”

— Eugene Mirman

24. “It’s important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it’s my job, right before I leave, to go, “Don’t forget: You’re going through a divorce and there’s a recession.” It’s always good to end on a pensive note.”

— Eugene Mirman

25. “I don’t speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, ‘Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?’ – no problem.”

— Eugene Mirman

26. “Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.”

— Eugene Mirman

27. “I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they’d come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.”

— Eugene Mirman

28. “People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it’s very easy to be like, yeah, that’s not really comedy.”

— Eugene Mirman

29. “If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is – he’s the reason you all live underground.”

— Eugene Mirman

30. “In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was ‘talking dirty.’”

— Eugene Mirman

31. “A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.”

— Eugene Mirman

32. “Oh, Hello. I’m Eugene Mirman, and I’m here to introduce my special. It’s called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.”

— Eugene Mirman

33. “I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America – which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?”

— Eugene Mirman

34. “If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.”

— Eugene Mirman

35. “It’s easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it’s easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn’t, which is also very convenient for me.”

— Eugene Mirman

36. “Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.”

— Eugene Mirman

37. “You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.”

— Eugene Mirman

38. “Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?”

— Eugene Mirman

39. “I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.”

— Eugene Mirman

40. “There’s something therapeutic about connecting with an audience – when there’s something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.”

— Eugene Mirman

41. “Like if you’re Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger’s.”

— Eugene Mirman

42. “On a quick side note, I would argue that – much like Samuel L. Jackson – I am not arrogant at all; I’m just actually really, really great.”

— Eugene Mirman

43. “I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.”

— Eugene Mirman

44. “I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.”

— Eugene Mirman

45. “I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.”

— Eugene Mirman

46. “Yes, I’m known as America’s most genuine comedian.”

— Eugene Mirman

47. “Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?”

— Eugene Mirman

48. “6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn’t love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.”

— Eugene Mirman

49. “To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that’s how you do things.”

— Eugene Mirman

50. “When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.”

— Eugene Mirman