Top 40 Frank Carson Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “It’s my wife Ruth’s birthday soon. I said to her: “What would you like for your birthday?” She said: “I want a divorce.” I said: “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.””

— Frank Carson

2. “My wife said to me: ‘If you won the lottery, would you still love me?’ I said: ‘Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.’”

— Frank Carson

3. “The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.”

— Frank Carson

4. “A man says to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says: “We should have told you yesterday.””

— Frank Carson

5. “A man says to his mate: “My wife is a twin.” His mate says, “How do you tell them apart?” The man says: “Her brother has a beard.””

— Frank Carson

6. “My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.”

— Frank Carson

7. “Two Irishmen were passing a pub – well, it could happen.”

— Frank Carson

8. “This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.”

— Frank Carson

9. “An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?””

— Frank Carson

10. “A man walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.””

— Frank Carson

11. “I’m not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they’re busy.”

— Frank Carson

12. “I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn’t work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.”

— Frank Carson

13. “Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?”

— Frank Carson

14. “I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: “We are two hours late Mr Carson.” When I asked why, she said: “The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn’t like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can’t hear it.””

— Frank Carson

15. “I’ve been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.”

— Frank Carson

16. “A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: “Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.””

— Frank Carson

17. “What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.”

— Frank Carson

18. “My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.”

— Frank Carson

19. “Men only go for skinny women because they’re too weak to argue – and salads are cheap.”

— Frank Carson

20. “Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!”

— Frank Carson

21. “I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.”

— Frank Carson

22. “My wife went into the butchers and said: “You’ve a sheep’s head in your window.” The butcher said: “That’s a mirror.””

— Frank Carson

23. “There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: “I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.””

— Frank Carson

24. “I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: “Have you a good memory for faces?” I asked why and she said: “Because there isn’t a mirror up there.””

— Frank Carson

25. “There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches.”

— Frank Carson

26. “There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn’t get burnt.”

— Frank Carson

27. “I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.”

— Frank Carson

28. “A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. “Oh dear,” she says, “Not the breathalyser again.””

— Frank Carson

29. “I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: “It takes four hours.” I asked why and he said: “It keeps turning off the gas.””

— Frank Carson

30. “I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.”

— Frank Carson

31. “Most of my jokes are racist – usually about the Irish.”

— Frank Carson

32. “Doctor told me I’ve got two weeks to live. I said: “Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?””

— Frank Carson

33. “I’m staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets – took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.”

— Frank Carson

34. “A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.”

— Frank Carson

35. “I said to the waitress, “There’s a fly swimming in my soup.” She said: “You’ve got too much soup – he should only be able to paddle.””

— Frank Carson

36. “Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: “Have a drink on me.” The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.”

— Frank Carson

37. “People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don’t vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.”

— Frank Carson

38. “A girl asks her doctor, “Doctor, I’ve forgotten to take my contradictory pill!” The doctor says: “Are you ignorant?” The girl says: “Yes, three months!””

— Frank Carson

39. “A man up in front of a judge says “I don’t recognise this court.” “Why not?” “It’s been redecorated since the last time I was here.””

— Frank Carson

40. “The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?”

— Frank Carson

41. “An Irishman’s wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.”

— Frank Carson

42. “I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: “What way did you come in?””

— Frank Carson

43. “I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.”

— Frank Carson

44. “My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.”

— Frank Carson

45. “I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside “made around the corner.””

— Frank Carson

46. “It’s never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I’ll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.”

— Frank Carson

47. “America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.”

— Frank Carson