Top 60 George Lopez Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “When things are bad, it’s the best time to reinvent yourself.”

— George Lopez

2. “I got a pain in my chest, and I can’t breathe.”

— George Lopez

3. “No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.”

— George Lopez

4. “I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.”

— George Lopez

5. “Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!”

— George Lopez

6. “I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don’t know how to put it into words. When I’m on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.”

— George Lopez

7. “One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.”

— George Lopez

8. “I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I’m never lonely.”

— George Lopez

9. “We’re Mexi-cans not Mexi-can’ts.”

— George Lopez

10. “When I first heard about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I thought, no. This, this is ridiculous. And then you read the script and you close the script and you go, “They aren’t going to be able to do that with real dogs. How are they going to do that?” You’re going to see the strings. But they did.”

— George Lopez

11. “Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.”

— George Lopez

12. “I didn’t want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.”

— George Lopez

13. “If you want a show to succeed, you’re going to have to have a certain amount of people watch who are non-black and non-Latino. If you can’t cross over, you don’t belong on TV. That’s not just me saying it. That’s just the way it is.”

— George Lopez

14. “I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn’t do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.”

— George Lopez

15. “I can never do nothing in this house!”

— George Lopez

16. “From now on, we’re home schooling you. Whatever we don’t know, you don’t know. When did the Korean War start? I don’t know, and neither do you!”

— George Lopez

17. “Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don’t know who came up with this idea first, but it’s sheer genius.”

— George Lopez

18. “When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ‘You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!’”

— George Lopez

19. “When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine’s upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!”

— George Lopez

20. “We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!”

— George Lopez

21. “The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘Ok, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.’”

— George Lopez

22. “Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!”

— George Lopez

23. “If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.”

— George Lopez

24. “As long as you’re a tax deduction, you’ll always be safe in my house.”

— George Lopez

25. “Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I’m a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.”

— George Lopez

26. “Angie, I’ve seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!”

— George Lopez

27. “Max: What’s a period? George: It’s a bullet we dodge, go get ready.”

— George Lopez

28. “David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.”

— George Lopez

29. “It’s an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.”

— George Lopez

30. “No Angie, it’s instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you’re laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!”

— George Lopez

31. “I’m a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.”

— George Lopez

32. “At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I’m not just talking about my mom.”

— George Lopez

33. “Y’know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I’d go to church every Sunday.”

— George Lopez

34. “It’s a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.”

— George Lopez

35. “Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.”

— George Lopez

36. “I’m not afraid to take on somebody or say something that somebody will find offensive because unfortunately in comedy, you can’t say anything really good without offending somebody.”

— George Lopez

37. “I’ve gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.”

— George Lopez

38. “Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.”

— George Lopez

39. “I grew up not having a father. Golf is the father I never had. It taught me honesty and respect and discipline and it taught me to control my temperament.”

— George Lopez

40. “80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

— George Lopez

41. “I didn’t come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.”

— George Lopez

42. “It’s good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don’t know, honey, how about something menthol?’”

— George Lopez

43. “I’d shake his hand, but I think that’s what’s holding up his pants.”

— George Lopez

44. “I have dogs in my house and much like teenagers at some point, they leave the parents. Even though they’re in the same house, they live independently. I think that’s how I live with the Chihuahuas.”

— George Lopez

45. “I actually graze at several of the homes while Im playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?”

— George Lopez

46. “Life is moments going by, but if you don’t grab them, they’re gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.”

— George Lopez

47. “Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You’member.”

— George Lopez

48. “I’ve spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.”

— George Lopez

49. “Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.”

— George Lopez

50. “I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don’t need a strong political background in.”

— George Lopez