Top 120 Greg Behrendt Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 2 of 3

51. “Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.”

— Greg Behrendt

52. “My wife’s beautiful. That’s why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.”

— Greg Behrendt

53. “First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.”

— Greg Behrendt

54. “But he was so great!? Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.”

— Greg Behrendt

55. “People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.”

— Greg Behrendt

56. “As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.”

— Greg Behrendt

57. “I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That’s too much pressure to put on a relationship.”

— Greg Behrendt

58. “Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your Future.”

— Greg Behrendt

59. “She didn’t love me that much, but she moved in with me. That’s a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That’s a minus.”

— Greg Behrendt

60. “Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.”

— Greg Behrendt

61. “I’m just saying, tonight, if you’re going through a breakup and you’re drinking, don’t call. Just don’t do it. Don’t call. Because here’s the thing: booze has information in it!”

— Greg Behrendt

62. “If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.”

— Greg Behrendt

63. “We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s liberating. But we also know it’s not an easy concept. -He’s not just into you.”

— Greg Behrendt

64. “The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over – it’s over. No more confusion!”

— Greg Behrendt

65. “You are not easily forgotten.”

— Greg Behrendt

66. “An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of ’ruining the friendship.”

— Greg Behrendt

67. “Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.”

— Greg Behrendt

68. “The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.”

— Greg Behrendt

69. “Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”

— Greg Behrendt

70. “Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don’t every time.”

— Greg Behrendt

71. “The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”

— Greg Behrendt

72. “Be yourself. If something you do doesn’t work, don’t do it the next time. Listen to yourself – you know what appropriate behavior is.”

— Greg Behrendt

73. “A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.”

— Greg Behrendt

74. “Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would...”

— Greg Behrendt

75. “Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”

— Greg Behrendt

76. “I will go anywhere if you say the phrase ‘there might be cake.’ I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else’s boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID – for cake.”

— Greg Behrendt

77. “A good indication that it’s not is if you’re only staying with What’s His Name because you’re scared.”

— Greg Behrendt

78. “The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.”

— Greg Behrendt

79. “When we’re picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.”

— Greg Behrendt

80. “Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart.”

— Greg Behrendt

81. “Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.”

— Greg Behrendt

82. “When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.”

— Greg Behrendt

83. “Part of being a comedian is that it’s your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.”

— Greg Behrendt

84. “There’s nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you’re busy or just want to flirt, but it’s hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.”

— Greg Behrendt

85. “Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?”

— Greg Behrendt

86. “Send her a quick note while you’re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.”

— Greg Behrendt

87. “He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family – especially when they’re great.”

— Greg Behrendt

88. “Cheating gets easier every time it’s done. It’s only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone’s trust.”

— Greg Behrendt

89. “He’s that guy that’s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he’s working on. He’s just been through an awful breakup and it’s really hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can’t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He.”

— Greg Behrendt

90. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.”

— Greg Behrendt

91. “I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume – ’cause if you’ve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don’t grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.”

— Greg Behrendt

92. “He’s just not that into you.”

— Greg Behrendt

93. “Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.”

— Greg Behrendt

94. “Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he’s getting on with his life without you?”

— Greg Behrendt

95. “Hey – do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask her out, then made excuses when he didn’t? Then she slept with him when they were both drunk, and basically just hung around until they were kind of dating? Then.”

— Greg Behrendt

96. “There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.”

— Greg Behrendt

97. “I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.”

— Greg Behrendt

98. “Better than nothing is not good enough for you!”

— Greg Behrendt

99. “I always tell people it’s funny that they think I’m a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.”

— Greg Behrendt

100. “There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.”

— Greg Behrendt