Top 120 Greg Behrendt Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.”

— Greg Behrendt

52. “Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth.”

— Greg Behrendt

53. “Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”

— Greg Behrendt

54. “An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of ’ruining the friendship.”

— Greg Behrendt

55. “The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.”

— Greg Behrendt

56. “Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you’re with is a big, selfish jerk.”

— Greg Behrendt

57. “I don’t have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that’s ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.”

— Greg Behrendt

58. “It’s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There’s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.”

— Greg Behrendt

59. “Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.”

— Greg Behrendt

60. “Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.”

— Greg Behrendt

61. “But he was so great!? Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.”

— Greg Behrendt

62. “First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.”

— Greg Behrendt

63. “I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That’s too much pressure to put on a relationship.”

— Greg Behrendt

64. “She didn’t love me that much, but she moved in with me. That’s a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That’s a minus.”

— Greg Behrendt

65. “I’m just saying, tonight, if you’re going through a breakup and you’re drinking, don’t call. Just don’t do it. Don’t call. Because here’s the thing: booze has information in it!”

— Greg Behrendt

Featured in: Breakup Quotes

66. “You are not easily forgotten.”

— Greg Behrendt

67. “The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over – it’s over. No more confusion!”

— Greg Behrendt

68. “He’s just not that into you.”

— Greg Behrendt

69. “Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.”

— Greg Behrendt

70. “The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.”

— Greg Behrendt

71. “Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don’t every time.”

— Greg Behrendt

72. “The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”

— Greg Behrendt

73. “Be yourself. If something you do doesn’t work, don’t do it the next time. Listen to yourself – you know what appropriate behavior is.”

— Greg Behrendt

74. “A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.”

— Greg Behrendt

75. “I will go anywhere if you say the phrase ‘there might be cake.’ I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else’s boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID – for cake.”

— Greg Behrendt

76. “Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would...”

— Greg Behrendt

77. “Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”

— Greg Behrendt

78. “A good indication that it’s not is if you’re only staying with What’s His Name because you’re scared.”

— Greg Behrendt

79. “When we’re picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.”

— Greg Behrendt

80. “Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart.”

— Greg Behrendt

81. “The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.”

— Greg Behrendt

82. “There’s nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you’re busy or just want to flirt, but it’s hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.”

— Greg Behrendt

83. “Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?”

— Greg Behrendt

84. “Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.”

— Greg Behrendt

85. “When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.”

— Greg Behrendt

86. “Part of being a comedian is that it’s your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.”

— Greg Behrendt

87. “When a guy is into you, he let’s you know it.”

— Greg Behrendt

88. “Send her a quick note while you’re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.”

— Greg Behrendt

89. “Now, defeating kryptonite and getting over a broken heart is incredibly tough. It’s also wildly empowering. But the even bigger victory is finally living your own life again without the constant presence of heartache.”

— Greg Behrendt

90. “He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family – especially when they’re great.”

— Greg Behrendt

91. “The only reason people compromise themselves is because they don’t feel strongly enough about themselves and are looking for another person to fix it for them, either sexually or emotionally. That’s why it is imperative that you get to a place where you like yourself, even if just for the added bonus of weeding out the creeps.”

— Greg Behrendt

92. “Cheating gets easier every time it’s done. It’s only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone’s trust.”

— Greg Behrendt

93. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.”

— Greg Behrendt

94. “He’s that guy that’s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he’s working on. He’s just been through an awful breakup and it’s really hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can’t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He.”

— Greg Behrendt

95. “I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume – ’cause if you’ve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don’t grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.”

— Greg Behrendt

96. “Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.”

— Greg Behrendt

97. “I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.”

— Greg Behrendt

98. “Hey – do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask her out, then made excuses when he didn’t? Then she slept with him when they were both drunk, and basically just hung around until they were kind of dating? Then.”

— Greg Behrendt

99. “Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he’s getting on with his life without you?”

— Greg Behrendt

100. “Better than nothing is not good enough for you!”

— Greg Behrendt