Top 120 Greg Behrendt Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Most people don’t want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.”

— Greg Behrendt

102. “There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.”

— Greg Behrendt

103. “I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.”

— Greg Behrendt

104. “If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.”

— Greg Behrendt

105. “It’s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It’s like the last Mayberry.”

— Greg Behrendt

106. “I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.”

— Greg Behrendt

107. “If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.”

— Greg Behrendt

108. “There are three kinda men in the world. There’s men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.”

— Greg Behrendt

109. “I’ve never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.”

— Greg Behrendt

110. “So, I play in a band. It’s a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don’t even actually play.”

— Greg Behrendt

111. “People come together and move apart. It’s the age-old ebb and flow of relationships. Some are shorter journeys, and others were meant for a lifetime. That goes for friendships as well. We.”

— Greg Behrendt

112. “Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.”

— Greg Behrendt

113. “I’m certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!”

— Greg Behrendt

114. “One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.”

— Greg Behrendt

115. “I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.”

— Greg Behrendt

116. “Good enough to tweet, not to say.”

— Greg Behrendt

117. “My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.”

— Greg Behrendt

118. “I’m just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.”

— Greg Behrendt

119. “Your happiness is the most important thing in this life. If you are not happy, you are of no use to anyone else.”

— Greg Behrendt

120. “Now, defeating kryptonite and getting over a broken heart is incredibly tough. It’s also wildly empowering. But the even bigger victory is finally living your own life again without the constant presence of heartache.”

— Greg Behrendt

121. “The harsh reality is that even if you have everything else in common, the one thing you don’t have in common is the belief that this relationship can work.”

— Greg Behrendt

122. “People don’t admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.”

— Greg Behrendt

123. “More often than not, dating a man’s potential is the long road to disaster, so listen to who he says he is and take him at his word. If you can love who he is now and not have your attraction be based on who he might become, then you’re in good shape. If you’re not, well, then you best keep looking because most people have different aspirations than you might have for them.”

— Greg Behrendt

124. “I’m fascinated with human relationships. I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.”

— Greg Behrendt

125. “Being a winner in life means finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you’re being the best and most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don’t feel worthy, you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that?”

— Greg Behrendt

126. “Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.”

— Greg Behrendt

127. “Is he making you happy? I don’t mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, “but the good still outweighs the bad.” Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him?”

— Greg Behrendt

128. “Most comics worship music on some level. It’s more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.”

— Greg Behrendt

129. “If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.”

— Greg Behrendt

130. “When a guy is into you, he let’s you know it.”

— Greg Behrendt

131. “The only reason people compromise themselves is because they don’t feel strongly enough about themselves and are looking for another person to fix it for them, either sexually or emotionally. That’s why it is imperative that you get to a place where you like yourself, even if just for the added bonus of weeding out the creeps.”

— Greg Behrendt

132. “What did heartbroken people do before phones? Come home and stare at the mailbox? Stand in their driveway and wait for the stagecoach? Run to the Western Union to see if anyone had Morse Coded them? Stare into the sky waiting for the messenger pigeon?”

— Greg Behrendt

133. “The historical resentments and patterns that can demolish a marriage usually start out as something seemingly unimportant. An assumption here. An accommodation there. An omission, an unclear boundary, a selfish act, an inconsideration, etc. These little things, these seemingly tiny tremors, have a rolling aftershock that can gain significant magnitude over time.”

— Greg Behrendt

134. “People don’t respond to what you tell them; they respond to what you show them.”

— Greg Behrendt

135. “Maybe there are men like that out there, maybe there aren’t. This is the only thing you need to remember: Mr. I’m Just Not Up For It is exactly the same guy as Mr. I’m Just Not That Into You. Both guys don’t want to be with you. One of them may say he can’t be with you, but it’s still the same result. He isn’t.”

— Greg Behrendt

136. “I’m going to just tell them now that I love them, blow them in the bathroom or whatever impulsive thing that you know you shouldn’t do, because that will either make him want to be with me more or bail, but at least I’ll know now!”

— Greg Behrendt