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Top 30 Greg Fitzsimmons Quotes (2025 Update)

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.”

1. “They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.”

2. “Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.”

3. “I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.”

4. “I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.”

5. “When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Iowa’s the worst. Iowa’s just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.”

6. “Iowa’s the worst. Iowa’s just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.”

7. “They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “My kids teased me at dinner that I’m not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn’t be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.”

8. “My kids teased me at dinner that I’m not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn’t be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.”

9. “Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “If we don’t have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?”

10. “If we don’t have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.”

11. “Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I’m kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I’m still maintaining my youthful acne.”

12. “I’m kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I’m still maintaining my youthful acne.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I’ve finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I’ve never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms – spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.”

13. “I’ve finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I’ve never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms – spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.”

14. “I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?”

15. “We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.”

16. “It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.”

17. “They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “There’s so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren’t really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.”

18. “There’s so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren’t really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I never know what I’m going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don’t discover off stage about me.”

19. “I never know what I’m going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don’t discover off stage about me.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.”

20. “I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.”

21. “I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Lieutenant Governor Paterson – blind, black guy – gets sworn in. First thing he says is, ‘By the way, cheated on my wife. Let’s just get that out in the open right now.’ He didn’t need to admit that. He’s blind. Could have said it was an accident.”

22. “Lieutenant Governor Paterson – blind, black guy – gets sworn in. First thing he says is, ‘By the way, cheated on my wife. Let’s just get that out in the open right now.’ He didn’t need to admit that. He’s blind. Could have said it was an accident.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.”

23. “The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.”

24. “I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.”

25. “My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.”

26. “If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.”

27. “Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.”

28. “The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn’t rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?”

29. “Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn’t rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons Quote: “The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.”

30. “The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.”

— Greg Fitzsimmons

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