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Top 100 Harriet Lerner Quotes (2026 Update)
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Harriet Lerner Quote: “Separateness” does not mean emotional distance, which is simply one means of managing anxiety or emotional intensity. Rather, separateness refers to the preservation of the “I” within the “we” – the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable. When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. I’m enormously grateful that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted badly.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Our goal will be to have relationships with both men and women that do not operate at the expense of the self, and to have a self that does not operate at the expense of the other.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Control is an illusion – a fact you will learn very fast if you become ill, or have things fall apart in some other way. When we understand vulnerability and suffering as an essential part of being human, our individual fate can be easier to manage.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “But here is the real point when it comes to the challenge of apologies in family relationships. If our intention is to have a better relationship, we need to be our best and most mature self, rather than reacting to the other person’s reactivity. Also, some of the other person’s complaints will be true, since we can’t possibly get it right all the time.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Getting older brings the comforting knowledge that the things we consider most shameful and weird about ourselves are actually pretty universal – or if not, that other folks have their own shameful and weird stuff. This growing realization that we’re not so unique makes it easier to share who we really are and how we got there.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “When a woman loses her resolve to speak up and stand firmly behind her position, she may be vulnerable to depression, anxiety, headaches, chronic anger, and bitterness.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Why must they share their uncensored reactions?” She was referring to the corrosive criticism that wears couples down as they selectively attend to what bothers them in a partner rather than speaking to what they appreciate and admire. And she was referring to the raw, unbridled emotional exchanges that, when unchecked, erode intimacy and connection in family relationships.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Surely human consciousness would take a big leap forward if our wish to hear and understand were as great as our wish to be heard and understood.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Our society doesn’t promote self-acceptance and it never will. First of all, self-acceptance doesn’t sell products. Capitalism would fall if we liked ourselves the way we are now.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “If the other person has pushed through his or her discomfort to do the right thing and apologize, we can push through our discomfort and say, “Thanks for the apology.” It’s important to resist the temptation to cancel the effort at repair that a genuine apology is.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. We are responsible for our own behavior.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Learning to use our anger effectively requires some letting go – letting go of blaming that other person whom we see as causing our problems and failing to provide for our happiness; letting go of the notion that it is our job to change other people or tell them how they should think, feel, behave.”
Harriet Lerner Quote: “Our anger can be a powerful vehicle for personal growth and change if it does nothing more than help us recognize that we are not yet clear about something and that it is our job to keep struggling with it.”
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