Top 15 Howard Mittelmark Quotes (2024 Update)

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Remember: blonde, brunette, and redhead are not personality types.”

1. “Remember: blonde, brunette, and redhead are not personality types.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Alice in Lapland. Any undue interest in or physical contact with children will set off alarms. If you do not want your reader to think he is reading about a pedophile, dandling of children on knees should be kept to a minimum by fathers, and even more so by uncles. If your character is in any way associated with organized religion, whether he is a bishop, a minister, or the kindly old church caretaker with a twinkle in his eye, he should not even pull a child from a burning building.”

2. “Alice in Lapland. Any undue interest in or physical contact with children will set off alarms. If you do not want your reader to think he is reading about a pedophile, dandling of children on knees should be kept to a minimum by fathers, and even more so by uncles. If your character is in any way associated with organized religion, whether he is a bishop, a minister, or the kindly old church caretaker with a twinkle in his eye, he should not even pull a child from a burning building.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “A good approach is to allow one dream per novel. Then, in the final revision, go back and get rid of that, too.”

3. “A good approach is to allow one dream per novel. Then, in the final revision, go back and get rid of that, too.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “He vacated a myriad times in the naively prolonged girl.”

4. “He vacated a myriad times in the naively prolonged girl.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Keep the reader guessing about where events are happening, what historical period the characters live in, and whether at any given moment they are jogging, taking a steam bath, or dangling from a precipice. Try to create an absolute nothingness in which, from time to time, a phone receiver or a pair of pert breasts materializes as the protagonist forms the intention to use them.”

5. “Keep the reader guessing about where events are happening, what historical period the characters live in, and whether at any given moment they are jogging, taking a steam bath, or dangling from a precipice. Try to create an absolute nothingness in which, from time to time, a phone receiver or a pair of pert breasts materializes as the protagonist forms the intention to use them.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “There was a time when a book could be sold purely because its author had been to distant climes and had returned to tell of the exotic sights he had seen. That author was Marco Polo, and the time was the thirteenth century.”

6. “There was a time when a book could be sold purely because its author had been to distant climes and had returned to tell of the exotic sights he had seen. That author was Marco Polo, and the time was the thirteenth century.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “The male author unthinkingly creates a world in which every single member of society is male except – hey presto! – when the protagonist feels like getting laid. Especially common in science fiction; apparently many writers assume that in the future women will die out.”

7. “The male author unthinkingly creates a world in which every single member of society is male except – hey presto! – when the protagonist feels like getting laid. Especially common in science fiction; apparently many writers assume that in the future women will die out.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “How she wished she were back at home with her family, strumming her banjo on the porch while Grampa Cornpone played the fiddle. Oh, the steamy bayou nights of her youth! Ma would cook up a huge pan of Creole innards, whilst Pa sat in the corner smoking his pipe of tabaccy with the hound dogs snoozing at his feet.”

8. “How she wished she were back at home with her family, strumming her banjo on the porch while Grampa Cornpone played the fiddle. Oh, the steamy bayou nights of her youth! Ma would cook up a huge pan of Creole innards, whilst Pa sat in the corner smoking his pipe of tabaccy with the hound dogs snoozing at his feet.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Unfortunately, this is so obviously a convention of bad fiction that it might as well read, ‘Looking in the mirror, Joe saw a tall, brown-haired man, trapped in a poorly written novel.”

9. “Unfortunately, this is so obviously a convention of bad fiction that it might as well read, ‘Looking in the mirror, Joe saw a tall, brown-haired man, trapped in a poorly written novel.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Adolf introduces Fascism to Germany, spreads war throughout Europe, murders millions in concentration camps – but he’s a strict vegetarian and loves his dog. Tossing in a touching scene with his German shepherd Blondie and a dish of lentils won’t make Hitler’s character ‘balanced.’ Hitler’s character isn’t balanced.”

10. “Adolf introduces Fascism to Germany, spreads war throughout Europe, murders millions in concentration camps – but he’s a strict vegetarian and loves his dog. Tossing in a touching scene with his German shepherd Blondie and a dish of lentils won’t make Hitler’s character ‘balanced.’ Hitler’s character isn’t balanced.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “We do not propose any rules; we offer observations. “No right on red” is a rule. “Driving at high speed toward a brick wall usually ends badly” is an observation.”

11. “We do not propose any rules; we offer observations. “No right on red” is a rule. “Driving at high speed toward a brick wall usually ends badly” is an observation.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes.”

12. “In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Historical research has the same status as all background information. The author must know it, even if it does not appear directly in the novel. Otherwise, the characters won’t seem like people, and the setting won’t seem like a place.”

13. “Historical research has the same status as all background information. The author must know it, even if it does not appear directly in the novel. Otherwise, the characters won’t seem like people, and the setting won’t seem like a place.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “If John somehow turns into a different man and we do not witness that transformation, the editor considering your novel will somehow turn into an editor considering a different novel.”

14. “If John somehow turns into a different man and we do not witness that transformation, the editor considering your novel will somehow turn into an editor considering a different novel.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “When well executed, description is unobtrusive and lends substance to a novel. It is the body fat of prose: too much is unhealthy, but without any, you no longer have the thing – you have its skeleton.”

15. “When well executed, description is unobtrusive and lends substance to a novel. It is the body fat of prose: too much is unhealthy, but without any, you no longer have the thing – you have its skeleton.”

— Howard Mittelmark

Howard Mittelmark Quote: “Any of the following crimes against fiction can prevent the publication of your novel. Committing several will prevent the publication of novels by anyone whose name is similar to yours, just in case.”

16. “Any of the following crimes against fiction can prevent the publication of your novel. Committing several will prevent the publication of novels by anyone whose name is similar to yours, just in case.”

— Howard Mittelmark

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