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Top 30 Jay Mohr Quotes (2025 Update)

Jay Mohr Quote: “I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.”

1. “I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you’re fat or have glasses, don’t show up because you’ll die.”

2. “I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you’re fat or have glasses, don’t show up because you’ll die.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond ’cause if she got a shower massager, she don’t really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.”

3. “Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond ’cause if she got a shower massager, she don’t really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.”

4. “If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “If you think you’re an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You’re not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies – I’ve never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they’re drinking.”

5. “If you think you’re an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You’re not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies – I’ve never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they’re drinking.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.”

6. “I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “If it doesn’t know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.”

7. “If it doesn’t know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I feel good. I’m much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?”

8. “I feel good. I’m much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.”

9. “Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.”

10. “Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.”

11. “I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.”

12. “Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “True Yankees are born, not made.”

13. “True Yankees are born, not made.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.”

14. “You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.”

15. “If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I wasn’t the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn’t shut up.”

16. “I wasn’t the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn’t shut up.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “What I like about stand-up is, it’s truthful. I’m not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I’m up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.”

17. “What I like about stand-up is, it’s truthful. I’m not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I’m up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “What bothers me most about today is that we’re getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.”

18. “What bothers me most about today is that we’re getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.”

19. “When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.”

20. “Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.”

21. “After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I didn’t want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren’t strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That’s not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.”

22. “I didn’t want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren’t strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That’s not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.”

23. “I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I’m oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.”

24. “I’m oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Marc Maron’s podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that’s that.”

25. “Marc Maron’s podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that’s that.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.”

26. “I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “But if applause throws off your timing, then you’re not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.”

27. “But if applause throws off your timing, then you’re not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “I’d go back, yeah. I don’t care, I got a kid, man – I’ll sell tampons. I mean, there’s no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.”

28. “I’d go back, yeah. I don’t care, I got a kid, man – I’ll sell tampons. I mean, there’s no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.”

29. “All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.”

Jay Mohr Quote: “Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?”

30. “Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?”

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