Top 35 John Mulaney Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

— John Mulaney

2. “Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town.”

— John Mulaney

3. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

— John Mulaney

4. “Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken.”

— John Mulaney

5. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”

— John Mulaney

6. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”

— John Mulaney

7. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”

— John Mulaney

8. “People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.”

— John Mulaney

9. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”

— John Mulaney

10. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”

— John Mulaney

11. “Things don’t exist until they exist.”

— John Mulaney

12. “I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”

— John Mulaney

13. “It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.”

— John Mulaney

14. “I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera.”

— John Mulaney

15. “There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.”

— John Mulaney

16. “I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?”

— John Mulaney

17. “Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”

— John Mulaney

18. “I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.”

— John Mulaney

19. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”

— John Mulaney

20. “In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.”

— John Mulaney

21. “It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.”

— John Mulaney

22. “I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.”

— John Mulaney

23. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”

— John Mulaney

24. “I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of.”

— John Mulaney

25. “I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.”

— John Mulaney

26. “I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.”

— John Mulaney

27. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”

— John Mulaney

28. “I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting.”

— John Mulaney

29. “Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.”

— John Mulaney

30. “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.”

— John Mulaney

31. “I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch.”

— John Mulaney

32. “I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me.”

— John Mulaney

33. “It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.”

— John Mulaney

34. “I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.”

— John Mulaney

35. “I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room.”

— John Mulaney

36. “My vibe is like, hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I’ll apologise to you.”

— John Mulaney