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John Mulaney Quotes

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John Mulaney Quote: “In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

— John Mulaney



John Mulaney Quote: “Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken.”

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”

I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.”

People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”

You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”

Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

— John Mulaney



John Mulaney Quote: “I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.”

I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of.”

I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.”

It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.”

It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.”

I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.”

There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.”

I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch.”

I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch.

— John Mulaney



John Mulaney Quote: “I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?”

I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting.”

I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.”

Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”

As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.”

Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera.”

I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.”

It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me.”

I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.”

I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.”

In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.”

I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.

— John Mulaney


John Mulaney Quote: “Things don’t exist until they exist.”

Things don’t exist until they exist.

— John Mulaney

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