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Top 250 Joseph Heller Quotes (2026 Update)
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Joseph Heller Quote: “Why couldn’t anybody understand that he was not really a freak but a normal, lonely adult trying to lead a normal, lonely adult life? If they pricked him, didn’t he bleed? And if he was tickled, didn’t he laugh? It.”

251. “Why couldn’t anybody understand that he was not really a freak but a normal, lonely adult trying to lead a normal, lonely adult life? If they pricked him, didn’t he bleed? And if he was tickled, didn’t he laugh? It.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “How much longer do you really think your own country will last? Forever? Keep in mind that the earth itself is destined to be destroyed by the sun in twenty-five million years or so.”

252. “How much longer do you really think your own country will last? Forever? Keep in mind that the earth itself is destined to be destroyed by the sun in twenty-five million years or so.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Yossarian nodded and listened to Milo tell him that the decent thing to do if he did not like the way Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn were running the group was to go to Russia, instead of stirring up trouble. Yossarian refrained from pointing out that Colonel Cathcart, Colonel Korn, and Milo could all go to Russia if they did not like the way he was stirring up trouble.”

253. “Yossarian nodded and listened to Milo tell him that the decent thing to do if he did not like the way Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn were running the group was to go to Russia, instead of stirring up trouble. Yossarian refrained from pointing out that Colonel Cathcart, Colonel Korn, and Milo could all go to Russia if they did not like the way he was stirring up trouble.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Orr hasn’t got brains enough to be unhappy.”

254. “Orr hasn’t got brains enough to be unhappy.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “The important thing is to keep them pledging,” he explained to his cohorts. “It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what ‘pledge’ and ‘allegiance’ mean.”

255. “The important thing is to keep them pledging,” he explained to his cohorts. “It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what ‘pledge’ and ‘allegiance’ mean.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “The more loyalty oaths a person signed, the more loyal he was; to Captain Black it was as simple as that, and he had Corporal Kolodny sign hundreds with his name each day so that he could always prove he was more loyal than anyone else.”

256. “The more loyalty oaths a person signed, the more loyal he was; to Captain Black it was as simple as that, and he had Corporal Kolodny sign hundreds with his name each day so that he could always prove he was more loyal than anyone else.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “What displeased Corporal Whitcomb most about the chaplain, apart from the fact that the chaplain believed in God, was his lack of initiative and aggressiveness.”

257. “What displeased Corporal Whitcomb most about the chaplain, apart from the fact that the chaplain believed in God, was his lack of initiative and aggressiveness.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Catch-22 says they have the right to do anything we can’t stop them from doing.”

258. “Catch-22 says they have the right to do anything we can’t stop them from doing.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “She slept for eighteen hours, while Nately dashed about the apartment all the next morning shushing everybody in sight, and when she woke up she was deeply in love with him. In the last analysis, that was all it took to win her heart – a good night’s sleep.”

259. “She slept for eighteen hours, while Nately dashed about the apartment all the next morning shushing everybody in sight, and when she woke up she was deeply in love with him. In the last analysis, that was all it took to win her heart – a good night’s sleep.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “You’re the new squadron commander,′ Colonel Cathcart had shouted rudely across the railroad ditch to him. ‘But don’t think it means anything, because it doesn’t. All it means is that you’re the new squadron commander.”

260. “You’re the new squadron commander,′ Colonel Cathcart had shouted rudely across the railroad ditch to him. ‘But don’t think it means anything, because it doesn’t. All it means is that you’re the new squadron commander.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “I was watching you sleep,” a girl will tell you while she’s still in love with you. “You were snoring.”

261. “I was watching you sleep,” a girl will tell you while she’s still in love with you. “You were snoring.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “After all, what is a liver? My father, for example, died of cancer of the liver and was never sick a day in his life up till the moment it killed him. Never felt a twinge of pain. In a way, that was too bad, since I hated my father. Lust for my mother, you know.”

262. “After all, what is a liver? My father, for example, died of cancer of the liver and was never sick a day in his life up till the moment it killed him. Never felt a twinge of pain. In a way, that was too bad, since I hated my father. Lust for my mother, you know.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “People have a right to do anything that’s not forbidden by law, and there’s no law against lying to you.”

263. “People have a right to do anything that’s not forbidden by law, and there’s no law against lying to you.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Each morning they came around, three brisk and serious men with efficient mouths and inefficient eyes...”

264. “Each morning they came around, three brisk and serious men with efficient mouths and inefficient eyes...”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “He was like a man who had grown frozen with horror once and had never come completely unthawed.”

265. “He was like a man who had grown frozen with horror once and had never come completely unthawed.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Gold had discovered, since starting to exercise strenuously several years before, that he was able to make love with greater vitality, stamina, and self-control than formerly, and with much less pleasure.”

266. “Gold had discovered, since starting to exercise strenuously several years before, that he was able to make love with greater vitality, stamina, and self-control than formerly, and with much less pleasure.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Yossarian’s attitude towards his roommates turned merciful and protective at the mere recollection of Captain Black. It was not their fault that they were young and cheerful, he reminded himself as he carried the swinging beam of his flashlight back through the darkness. He wished that he could be young and cheerful, too. And it wasn’t their fault that they were courageous, confident and carefree.”

267. “Yossarian’s attitude towards his roommates turned merciful and protective at the mere recollection of Captain Black. It was not their fault that they were young and cheerful, he reminded himself as he carried the swinging beam of his flashlight back through the darkness. He wished that he could be young and cheerful, too. And it wasn’t their fault that they were courageous, confident and carefree.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “And both are gone. And ironically, I’m drawn to repeat my well known apothegm of futility: that, just as the person who wants praise will never be satisfied with praise, the person who wants love cannot be satisfied with love. No want is ever fulfilled. And I therefore still don’t know whether it is better to fear God and keep His commandments or to curse God and die. Fortunately, I’ve been able to get by very neatly without doing either.”

268. “And both are gone. And ironically, I’m drawn to repeat my well known apothegm of futility: that, just as the person who wants praise will never be satisfied with praise, the person who wants love cannot be satisfied with love. No want is ever fulfilled. And I therefore still don’t know whether it is better to fear God and keep His commandments or to curse God and die. Fortunately, I’ve been able to get by very neatly without doing either.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Imagine a man his age risking what little life he has for something so absurd as a country.”

269. “Imagine a man his age risking what little life he has for something so absurd as a country.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Just pass the work I assign along to somebody else and trust to luck. We call that delegation of responsibility.”

270. “Just pass the work I assign along to somebody else and trust to luck. We call that delegation of responsibility.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “The men were perfectly content to fly as manny missions as we asked them as long as thought they had no alternative. Now you’ve given them hope, and they’re unhappy. So the blame is all yours.”

271. “The men were perfectly content to fly as manny missions as we asked them as long as thought they had no alternative. Now you’ve given them hope, and they’re unhappy. So the blame is all yours.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Mudd was the unknown soldier who had never had a chance, for that was the only thing anyone ever did know about all the unknown soldiers – they never had a chance. They had to be dead.”

272. “Mudd was the unknown soldier who had never had a chance, for that was the only thing anyone ever did know about all the unknown soldiers – they never had a chance. They had to be dead.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Clevinger was guilty, of course, or he would not have been accused, and since the only way to prove it was to find him guilty, it was their patriotic duty to do so.”

273. “Clevinger was guilty, of course, or he would not have been accused, and since the only way to prove it was to find him guilty, it was their patriotic duty to do so.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “Dori Duz was a lively little tart of copper-green and gold who loved doing it best in toolsheds, phone booths, field houses and bus kiosks. There was little she hadn’t tried and less she wouldn’t. She was shameless, slim, nineteen and aggressive. She destroyed egos by the score and made men hate themselves in the morning for the way she found them, used them and tossed them aside. Yossarian loved her.”

274. “Dori Duz was a lively little tart of copper-green and gold who loved doing it best in toolsheds, phone booths, field houses and bus kiosks. There was little she hadn’t tried and less she wouldn’t. She was shameless, slim, nineteen and aggressive. She destroyed egos by the score and made men hate themselves in the morning for the way she found them, used them and tossed them aside. Yossarian loved her.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “He was constantly defending his Communist friends to his right-wing enemies and his right-wing friends to his Communist enemies, and he was thoroughly detested by both groups, who never defended him to anyone because they thought he was a dope.”

275. “He was constantly defending his Communist friends to his right-wing enemies and his right-wing friends to his Communist enemies, and he was thoroughly detested by both groups, who never defended him to anyone because they thought he was a dope.”

— Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller Quote: “He was genuinely sorry for Yossarian; when Yossarian realized that, he was genuinely sorry for Rogoff.”

276. “He was genuinely sorry for Yossarian; when Yossarian realized that, he was genuinely sorry for Rogoff.”

— Joseph Heller

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