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Top 25 Justin Halpern Quotes (2025 Update)

Justin Halpern Quote: “Los Angeles is like San Diego’s older, uglier sister that has herpes.”

1. “Los Angeles is like San Diego’s older, uglier sister that has herpes.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.”

2. “The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.”

3. “Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “On Furnishing One’s Home – Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.”

4. “On Furnishing One’s Home – Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.”

5. “Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “I’m not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.”

6. “I’m not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately.”

7. “Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “I almost feel like I’m unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.”

8. “I almost feel like I’m unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out.”

9. “The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don’t have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

10. “Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don’t have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”

11. “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I’m way too dumb to write it.”

12. “There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I’m way too dumb to write it.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.”

13. “My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “On the Television Show The X-Files “So, the woman and the dopey-looking guy screw, and then they look for aliens – or they just screw and sometimes aliens follow them?”

14. “On the Television Show The X-Files “So, the woman and the dopey-looking guy screw, and then they look for aliens – or they just screw and sometimes aliens follow them?”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “All right. Here’s the deal. You’re eight,” he said. “I’m nine,” I said. “Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son.”

15. “All right. Here’s the deal. You’re eight,” he said. “I’m nine,” I said. “Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “I feel like if I’m going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you’re buying a book about him, I don’t want you to have to sit through stuff that’s not him.”

16. “I feel like if I’m going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you’re buying a book about him, I don’t want you to have to sit through stuff that’s not him.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “At the End of the Day, at Least You Have Family.”

17. “At the End of the Day, at Least You Have Family.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He’s not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.”

18. “The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He’s not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.”

19. “You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.”

20. “I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “That’s your curfew: not waking me up.”

21. “That’s your curfew: not waking me up.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “That’s your mother. You and she are not equals. Here’s her,” he said, putting his hand high up above his head, “and here’s you,” he added, putting his other hand well below the table.”

22. “That’s your mother. You and she are not equals. Here’s her,” he said, putting his hand high up above his head, “and here’s you,” he added, putting his other hand well below the table.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, ‘Breakfast of Champions’ is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.”

23. “Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, ‘Breakfast of Champions’ is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “I was an angst-y journal writing kid.”

24. “I was an angst-y journal writing kid.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.”

25. “Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.”

26. “I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “On Waterslides “You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.”

27. “On Waterslides “You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.”

— Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quote: “Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames.”

28. “Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames.”

— Justin Halpern

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