Top 35 Kristen Schaal Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “1st Valentine’s Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.”

— Kristen Schaal

2. “No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.”

— Kristen Schaal

3. “Everybody’s trying to leave their mark on the world. That’s why there’s graffiti and babies.”

— Kristen Schaal

4. “I used to carry a rabbit’s foot for luck. Then it was a monkey’s paw. Now it’s a camel’s toe.”

— Kristen Schaal

5. “I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.”

— Kristen Schaal

6. “Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that’s nice. Kind of like bad weather.”

— Kristen Schaal

7. “If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?”

— Kristen Schaal

8. “I would love for people to know that the label ‘feminist’ is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.”

— Kristen Schaal

9. “I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination – being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.”

— Kristen Schaal

10. “Sarcasm doesn’t read sarcastic in print.”

— Kristen Schaal

11. “The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’”

— Kristen Schaal

12. “The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they’ll take a bamboo and they’ll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.”

— Kristen Schaal

13. “Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.”

— Kristen Schaal

14. “Just because I’m married to Doug doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you.”

— Kristen Schaal

15. “I’d hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I’d hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven’t written or made anything. I’m an artist.”

— Kristen Schaal

16. “Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele – should be fun – and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I’m gonna cross that one off. That’s stupid.”

— Kristen Schaal

17. “Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?”

— Kristen Schaal

18. “I think I’ve always had a disconnect from what I’m supposed to be like.”

— Kristen Schaal

19. “Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.”

— Kristen Schaal

20. “He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...”

— Kristen Schaal

21. “I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.”

— Kristen Schaal

22. “Some women were talking about how I put out. And that’s just not that case. I don’t put out – unless I’m asked very, very politely, and that’s not putting out, that’s just giving in.”

— Kristen Schaal

23. “At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.”

— Kristen Schaal

24. “One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!”

— Kristen Schaal

25. “I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I’d rather perform in someone’s movie than write a movie for someone else.”

— Kristen Schaal

26. “Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.”

— Kristen Schaal

27. “This is very ambitious, but I don’t care. I’m just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.”

— Kristen Schaal

28. “A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.”

— Kristen Schaal

29. “You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...”

— Kristen Schaal

30. “I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don’t have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.”

— Kristen Schaal

31. “Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn’t free.”

— Kristen Schaal

32. “The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I’m starting to panic that I’m a ghost.”

— Kristen Schaal

33. “I’m so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you’re at home trying to write anything you can.”

— Kristen Schaal

34. “Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.”

— Kristen Schaal

35. “All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.”

— Kristen Schaal

36. “If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.”

— Kristen Schaal

37. “If I’m having a fancy glass of champagne, I’ll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.”

— Kristen Schaal