Top 50 Larry the Cable Guy Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

2. “He who laughs last, thinks slowest.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

3. “I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

4. “Guns don’t kill people, husbands who come home early from work kill people.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

5. “Sometimes you’ve gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

6. “I can have different opinions with anybody. I can still be a friend with that person.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

7. “Remember, half the people you know are below average.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

8. “Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

9. “I disagree with a lot of things, but hey, what a person does is between them and their maker. I can disagree with somebody, and I can still be friends with them.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

10. “I’m on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

11. “I’m defending free speech pretty much all over the place because you still have freedom of speech.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

12. “I’ve always thought if you don’t like what somebody says, don’t hang out with that person. Why do you have to complain about it? Here’s the thing. I don’t hang out with, and I’m not friends with anybody that would offend me or I think offends me or lives a different way than I do.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

13. “I don’t judge people by their accent, or how they word things, or how grammatically correct their speech is. Some of the smartest men in the world couldn’t spell. I judge a person by their character.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

14. “I saw a sign one time that said ‘hemorrhoids awareness week’ at the doctor’s office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I’m sure you are aware of it. You don’t need a sign to tell anybody about it.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

15. “I am called to love my neighbor, which I do. I can disagree with my neighbor about several things, but I’m not going to hate my neighbor. It’s not up to me to hate anybody. It’s not up to me to judge anyone. It’s up to me to be nice, to be kind and to do everything I can to help somebody.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

16. “I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset ‘cause he slept with his third cousin. And I’m like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin’ them!”

— Larry the Cable Guy

17. “I was born and raised in Pawnee City, Nebraska. I lived right next to the sale barn and I raised pigs. My dad was a guidance counselor at Wymore High School. He was also a preacher and did farming as well. We leased out our crop land but had cattle and horses.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

18. “Living in a small town you couldn’t go anywhere on a Saturday where a store had the game on. If you were downtown you heard the game. If you were at the gas station you heard the game. I remember I would be mowing the lawn and I would stop for the Nebraska game. I would have it cranking outside.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

19. “There’s the old joke, “What’s the difference between country and redneck? Well, that’s three hundred dollars.””

— Larry the Cable Guy

20. “I used to be a chick magnet. Now, I’m just a refrigerator magnet.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

21. “When you’re doing comedy, it is so subjective. What is funny to you is not funny to another person. What is dirty to you is not dirty to the other person. Comedy is one of those things you throw against the wall and see what sticks.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

22. “I don’t know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

23. “I was scared into being good. But I’m sure I did regular kid stuff.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

24. “I think everybody is entitled to say whatever they want. I’m not going to call for anybody to be fired. That’s not what America is all about.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

25. “I get so sick and tired of Wikipedia. People write their own crap on there.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

26. “Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

27. “I have thick skin. I’m not a baby. Nothing really offends me. If there’s something I think might offend me, I don’t listen to it.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

28. “I don’t take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

29. “I’m more of a rodeo type guy.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

30. “I grew up on a pig farm in southeast Nebraska. When I started doing the Blue Collar Tour, I thought it was kind of funny because I faked my accent, so everybody thought I lived in an apartment somewhere. But I grew up on a pig farm.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

31. “Its nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

32. “I don’t hate anybody. My character is one thing, but me as an individual is completely different.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

33. “I’m saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?”

— Larry the Cable Guy

34. “I’m so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain’t affecting my life at all.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

35. “People always ask my mom what I did as a kid. My mom says, “He wasn’t a bad kid. He was never an unruly kid, always listened and obeyed.””

— Larry the Cable Guy

36. “What I do onstage, there’s maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They’re really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love ’em; they’re awesome. They’re good people.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

37. “I hate flying. I’m not a big fan of flying at all so everywhere I go I go by tour bus. If I have to fly I will but I’m not a big fan of it.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

38. “I know I don’t want to take the Lord’s name in vain, and I don’t want to drop any F-bombs.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

39. “I’m always wearing a Nebraska hat. Most of the time I’m wearing something that’s got a Husker something on it. I make sure I have it on TV but I have it regularly.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

40. “There’s nothing better than a Nebraska summer so I wanted to live there in the summer time and visit my family and go to as many Nebraska games as I could.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

41. “My dad was a non-denominational preacher, actually a Congregationalist which is really where all congregations come to congregate. That’s why it’s called a Congregationalist. Later on in life, he just became a non-denominational preacher, kind of a fire and brimstone type guy. That’s how I grew up.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

42. “You learn a lot though when you have kids, I’ll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you’re not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?”

— Larry the Cable Guy

43. “I was always getting in trouble because I was the class clown but I always made teacher laugh. I remember I thought I was going to fail that class but I ended up passing it and I really think it was only because I was good entertainment for her.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

44. “I enjoy hunting, but if I had my choice to go deer hunting or bass fishing, I’d take bass fishing any day of the week. I enjoy both of them, but yeah, I’m a very outdoorsy guy.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

45. “As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I’m married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

46. “When I look at my audience, I can tell better who’s in the crowd and the kind of joke I shouldn’t do. It’s just complicated. I guess I sift through to make sure these jokes are a little different with not such a harsh edge to them. That’s pretty much how I handle the crowd.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

47. “I’ve been fortunate, I’ve been blessed, and I attribute my success to all my fans. People want to do things with you when you have a big fan base, and I have a great fan base.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

48. “I split time between Nebraska and Florida. I’ll come to Nebraska in the summertime and stay through Thanksgiving and then I go back to Florida because I have family in both places. One of the reasons I got the place in Nebraska is I’ve always wanted to live back in Nebraska.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

49. “When you’re married with kids, you just think differently.”

— Larry the Cable Guy

50. “When I was a kid down there it was always a dream to go to a Nebraska game but when you live in those small towns you hardly ever get up to one.”

— Larry the Cable Guy