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Top 30 Laurie Notaro Quotes (2025 Update)

Laurie Notaro Quote: “If you really believe in what you’re doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.”

1. “If you really believe in what you’re doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Bad boyfriends don’t disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.”

2. “Bad boyfriends don’t disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn’t crap on the floor.”

3. “I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn’t crap on the floor.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.”

4. “Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Everyone knows there’s only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that’s a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.”

5. “Everyone knows there’s only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that’s a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I’m nicer on tax day than I am when I’m on deadline.”

6. “I’m nicer on tax day than I am when I’m on deadline.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I totally deserved this, I realized. I deserved to get captured in this shirt. I was roped in like a calf. Stupid. So stupid. Just because it was on sale, I had to try on a baby shirt. This was so completely my fault. Maybe I should go to Baby Gap tomorrow and try to get into some Onesies or a romper. What was I thinking? Really?”

7. “I totally deserved this, I realized. I deserved to get captured in this shirt. I was roped in like a calf. Stupid. So stupid. Just because it was on sale, I had to try on a baby shirt. This was so completely my fault. Maybe I should go to Baby Gap tomorrow and try to get into some Onesies or a romper. What was I thinking? Really?”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.”

8. “Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.”

9. “I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “You’re fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!”

10. “You’re fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Are you kidding I was raised Catholic, my mom just came back from a Saint Francis Pilgrimage in Italy and bought a huge statue to prove it, big as you. Big as you. Catholics aren’t like that, they can be a little slutty at times, sure and there’s the pedophilia, but they aren’t allowed to be strippers! It’s not allowed!”

11. “Are you kidding I was raised Catholic, my mom just came back from a Saint Francis Pilgrimage in Italy and bought a huge statue to prove it, big as you. Big as you. Catholics aren’t like that, they can be a little slutty at times, sure and there’s the pedophilia, but they aren’t allowed to be strippers! It’s not allowed!”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “It’s okay,” my husband said, shuffling toward his study. “I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.”

12. “It’s okay,” my husband said, shuffling toward his study. “I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “How could I compete with that? Candies and toys! I had string and glue and some very complicated dynamics going on at my station. I mean, when I was assigned to that table, no one happened to mention that it was a simmering hotbed of political unrest concerning the lower case r. A wicked web indeed.”

13. “How could I compete with that? Candies and toys! I had string and glue and some very complicated dynamics going on at my station. I mean, when I was assigned to that table, no one happened to mention that it was a simmering hotbed of political unrest concerning the lower case r. A wicked web indeed.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I just might kill someone in my next job, and I’ll be honest here, I couldn’t do the time. Really. No way. I couldn’t share a room with four other people, let alone poop in front of them. I hate sharing a room and a bathroom with my husband, and I even have eminent domain over him. Prison would never work out: I’d get picked last for all of the gangs, I’d never get included in the escape plans, it would be just like high school.”

14. “I just might kill someone in my next job, and I’ll be honest here, I couldn’t do the time. Really. No way. I couldn’t share a room with four other people, let alone poop in front of them. I hate sharing a room and a bathroom with my husband, and I even have eminent domain over him. Prison would never work out: I’d get picked last for all of the gangs, I’d never get included in the escape plans, it would be just like high school.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.”

15. “I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I’m not big on meeting new people, especially new people I’m never going to see again. There’s all kinds of uninteresting, insincere banter, I have to pretend to be a nice person, and because 96 percent of the world’s population are dim bulbs, odds are excellent that I’ll be stuck in the middle of a Spontaneous Freak Encounter.”

16. “I’m not big on meeting new people, especially new people I’m never going to see again. There’s all kinds of uninteresting, insincere banter, I have to pretend to be a nice person, and because 96 percent of the world’s population are dim bulbs, odds are excellent that I’ll be stuck in the middle of a Spontaneous Freak Encounter.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Frankly, if I walk into your house and you don’t have two hundred books somewhere that you haven’t read yet, I don’t trust you.”

17. “Frankly, if I walk into your house and you don’t have two hundred books somewhere that you haven’t read yet, I don’t trust you.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.”

18. “How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.”

19. “Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Whaddaya mean ‘old maids,’ ha? The term is ‘unclaimed treasure,’ buddy, ’unclaimed treasure!”

20. “Whaddaya mean ‘old maids,’ ha? The term is ‘unclaimed treasure,’ buddy, ’unclaimed treasure!”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two new, revised qualifying criteria for a potential date.”

21. “So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two new, revised qualifying criteria for a potential date.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Oh boy. Too drunk to hold on to a whiskey and Coke and the word “pretty.” That’s not a combination with a positive outcome. Not good at all. That’s the secret password that usually leaves me trying to find a ride home in the morning.”

22. “Oh boy. Too drunk to hold on to a whiskey and Coke and the word “pretty.” That’s not a combination with a positive outcome. Not good at all. That’s the secret password that usually leaves me trying to find a ride home in the morning.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren’t dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.”

23. “Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren’t dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don’t even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy.”

24. “If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don’t even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Poor Holly. There she was, completely unaware while millions of minute mucus particles, each carrying the flu virus, exploded into the air like rain. It was their germ mission to land on her and try to find their way into an opening of her body, much like a date I once had attempted with me.”

25. “Poor Holly. There she was, completely unaware while millions of minute mucus particles, each carrying the flu virus, exploded into the air like rain. It was their germ mission to land on her and try to find their way into an opening of her body, much like a date I once had attempted with me.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.”

26. “I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.”

27. “My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Expert Tip: “The day will come when you fervently wish that you are only as fat as you were the FIRST time you thought you were fat.” – Michelle Loyet, MAW, whom I’ve been on vacation with numerous times.”

28. “Expert Tip: “The day will come when you fervently wish that you are only as fat as you were the FIRST time you thought you were fat.” – Michelle Loyet, MAW, whom I’ve been on vacation with numerous times.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Expert Tip: “No matter how old and achy I am, I can still haul ass outta bed when the dog starts making vomit noises.” – Connie Sherretts, MAW.”

29. “Expert Tip: “No matter how old and achy I am, I can still haul ass outta bed when the dog starts making vomit noises.” – Connie Sherretts, MAW.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “Your ankles are swollen from carrying the weight of the patriarchy all of these years.” – Danika Hill, MAW.”

30. “Your ankles are swollen from carrying the weight of the patriarchy all of these years.” – Danika Hill, MAW.”

— Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro Quote: “I’ve seen so much stuff that I had to purge 90 percent of my childhood memories from my brain in order to make room for passwords and PINs.”

31. “I’ve seen so much stuff that I had to purge 90 percent of my childhood memories from my brain in order to make room for passwords and PINs.”

— Laurie Notaro

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