Top 35 Les Dawson Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Slumps don’t bother me.”

— Les Dawson

2. “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.”

— Les Dawson

3. “Marriage is an institution and that’s where a couple finishes up.”

— Les Dawson

4. “I’ve got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.”

— Les Dawson

5. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

— Les Dawson

6. “The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.”

— Les Dawson

7. “I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I’m rudderless.”

— Les Dawson

8. “There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?”

— Les Dawson

9. “I’m often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she’s only got one major fault – it’s called breathing.”

— Les Dawson

10. “My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”

— Les Dawson

11. “I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: ‘Keep her moving sir; we’re stock-taking.’”

— Les Dawson

12. “I can always tell when the mother in law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.”

— Les Dawson

13. “I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.”

— Les Dawson

14. “I’ve just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law’s funeral. And she’s cancelled it.”

— Les Dawson

15. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”

— Les Dawson

16. “Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it’s a weeping willow.”

— Les Dawson

17. “A square egg in a dish of lentils won’t make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid’s leg.”

— Les Dawson

18. “Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.”

— Les Dawson

19. “The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.”

— Les Dawson

20. “Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.”

— Les Dawson

21. “I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’”

— Les Dawson

22. “With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.”

— Les Dawson

23. “I’m not saying my mother didn’t like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.”

— Les Dawson

24. “Despite the fact that feminists say they’re not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.”

— Les Dawson

25. “The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.”

— Les Dawson

26. “My mother-in-law’s so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.”

— Les Dawson

27. “I’m the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.”

— Les Dawson

28. “I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel’s ‘Pavane pour une infante defunte’ but I couldn’t remember if it’s a tune or Latin prescription for piles.”

— Les Dawson

29. “I knew I’d chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord’s Prayer on it.”

— Les Dawson

30. “I discovered the wife’s got asthma. Thank God – I thought she was hissing at me.”

— Les Dawson

31. “I don’t mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.”

— Les Dawson

32. “My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.”

— Les Dawson

33. “The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, ‘Mother, don’t just stand there in the rain. Go home.’”

— Les Dawson

34. “He was so short-sighted that he wore braille socks.”

— Les Dawson

35. “I know my name will always be linked with women.”

— Les Dawson

36. “My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.”

— Les Dawson

37. “My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts – but we can’t get a word out of him.”

— Les Dawson

38. “I’d like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I’d like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.”

— Les Dawson