Top 35 Lewis Grizzard Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”

— Lewis Grizzard

2. “In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’.”

— Lewis Grizzard

3. “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.”

— Lewis Grizzard

4. “If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn’t love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.”

— Lewis Grizzard

5. “It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”

— Lewis Grizzard

6. “Spring time is the land awakening.”

— Lewis Grizzard

7. “The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”

— Lewis Grizzard

8. “Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.”

— Lewis Grizzard

9. “There’s no such thing as being too Southern.”

— Lewis Grizzard

10. “I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.”

— Lewis Grizzard

11. “If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.”

— Lewis Grizzard

12. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.”

— Lewis Grizzard

13. “Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

— Lewis Grizzard

14. “Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.”

— Lewis Grizzard

15. “I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.”

— Lewis Grizzard

16. “The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.”

— Lewis Grizzard

17. “If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.”

— Lewis Grizzard

18. “Let’s all start walking more and driving less.”

— Lewis Grizzard

19. “There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.”

— Lewis Grizzard

20. “I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.”

— Lewis Grizzard

21. “I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes – and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.”

— Lewis Grizzard

22. “You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’”

— Lewis Grizzard

23. “They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.”

— Lewis Grizzard

24. “On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”

— Lewis Grizzard

Featured in: Fun Quotes

25. “God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.”

— Lewis Grizzard

26. “Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.”

— Lewis Grizzard

27. “Elvis is dead and I don’t feel good for myself.”

— Lewis Grizzard

28. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”

— Lewis Grizzard

29. “Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.”

— Lewis Grizzard

30. “I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I’ve been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, ‘Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.”

— Lewis Grizzard

31. “Chilli dawgs always bark at night.”

— Lewis Grizzard

32. “A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.”

— Lewis Grizzard

33. “It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.”

— Lewis Grizzard

34. “Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?””

— Lewis Grizzard

Featured in: Reading Quotes

35. “When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy.”

— Lewis Grizzard

36. “I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.”

— Lewis Grizzard

37. “When my love comes back from the ladies’ room, will I be too old to care?”

— Lewis Grizzard