Top 40 Lois Greiman Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Maybe there’s no such thing as happily ever after. Maybe okay for now is the best you get.”

— Lois Greiman

2. “There aren’t many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it’s a woman with really big knockers.”

— Lois Greiman

3. “When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, “because they’rea lot more likely to answer if they’re not dead.”

— Lois Greiman

4. “Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.”

— Lois Greiman

5. “Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn’t look that great, either.”

— Lois Greiman

6. “Men, they have the two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, you fix him the burrito. – Rosita Rivera, who was well acquainted with politicians and men.”

— Lois Greiman

7. “What if there’s no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?”

— Lois Greiman

8. “Some people say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart – if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.”

— Lois Greiman

9. “Matrimony and firefighting. They ain’t for cowards.”

— Lois Greiman

10. “Jealousy. It’s a terrible thing. Unless it’s someone else’s.”

— Lois Greiman

11. “Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.”

— Lois Greiman

12. “A person without regrets is called a corpse.”

— Lois Greiman

13. “There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.”

— Lois Greiman

14. “He’s just a flash in the pants.”

— Lois Greiman

15. “Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain’t there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.”

— Lois Greiman

16. “He’s an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.”

— Lois Greiman

17. “A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there’s nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.”

— Lois Greiman

18. “If you don’t scare the neighbors while copulating, I’m afraid you’re doing something terribly wrong.”

— Lois Greiman

19. “Tequila – a sure cure for monogamy.”

— Lois Greiman

20. “Dating is like nightfall – there’s got to be a mourning after.”

— Lois Greiman

21. “If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it’s probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it.”

— Lois Greiman

22. “Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.”

— Lois Greiman

23. “If at 1st you don’t succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y’ still won’t succeed, but you sure as hell won’t give a shift.”

— Lois Greiman

24. “There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.”

— Lois Greiman

25. “I’ve been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.”

— Lois Greiman

26. “Sometimes it’s nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.”

— Lois Greiman

27. “If you don’t like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.”

— Lois Greiman

28. “Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.”

— Lois Greiman

29. “And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.”

— Lois Greiman

30. “It ate a party till someone ends up naked.”

— Lois Greiman

31. “Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.”

— Lois Greiman

32. “Booze and boys, ain’t nothing in the universe that’ll make a girl stupid faster.”

— Lois Greiman

33. “If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn’t a made it so damn tempting.”

— Lois Greiman

34. “Not surprisingly, the kitchen was the most interesting, but only because I discovered a package of Oreos in the cupboard.”

— Lois Greiman

35. “It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.”

— Lois Greiman

36. “I’d love to go out with you, but I’d hate to deprive some village of its idiot.”

— Lois Greiman

37. “Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain’t that easy, either.”

— Lois Greiman

38. “You really don’t know a person until you spend some time in their panties.”

— Lois Greiman

39. “Let me just say at this juncture that when I let the crazy in, I don’t just crack the window. I throw open the front door and invite its friends: paranoia, psychosis, and neurosis. “Maybe.”

— Lois Greiman

40. “A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.”

— Lois Greiman

41. “Maybe knowledge is power, but it’s damned hard to think a burglar to death.”

— Lois Greiman

42. “No civilized being lived in North Dakota.”

— Lois Greiman

43. “Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin’ the bird’ s a hell of a lot easier.”

— Lois Greiman

44. “In my opinion, kissing a lady’s hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.”

— Lois Greiman

45. “You’re just so lucky blood’s so hard to get out of the carpet.”

— Lois Greiman

46. “Dating – the socially accepted alternative to the rack.”

— Lois Greiman

47. “He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.”

— Lois Greiman

48. “Men have two outstanding features – their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.”

— Lois Greiman