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Top 15 Mallory Ortberg Quotes (2025 Update)

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Fear being the operative word, and not panic, which is why most of us have learned to start each incident log with a command like “Fear not,” or “Dread not,” or “Be thou not dismayed,” or some other variation thereof.”

1. “Fear being the operative word, and not panic, which is why most of us have learned to start each incident log with a command like “Fear not,” or “Dread not,” or “Be thou not dismayed,” or some other variation thereof.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “I expect it’s hard for witches... now that most people work in shops and factories, and haven’t any crops to ruin. They must be terribly sad, those witches, to have to go from blighting wheat fields to blighting houseplants.”

2. “I expect it’s hard for witches... now that most people work in shops and factories, and haven’t any crops to ruin. They must be terribly sad, those witches, to have to go from blighting wheat fields to blighting houseplants.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “I don’t mind it so much when they’re fully dead, you understand. Something that’s supposed to be dead, and is dead, that’s no surprise but there’s something about a creature that GOING to be dead but isn’t yet, something that KNOWS it’s going to be dead and doesn’t want to be. I’ve never liked that.”

3. “I don’t mind it so much when they’re fully dead, you understand. Something that’s supposed to be dead, and is dead, that’s no surprise but there’s something about a creature that GOING to be dead but isn’t yet, something that KNOWS it’s going to be dead and doesn’t want to be. I’ve never liked that.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.”

4. “She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Bridegrooms always know their true brides, through the strategic use of horse heads and love tokens.”

5. “Bridegrooms always know their true brides, through the strategic use of horse heads and love tokens.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “I do not welcome Lord Vader quite literally attempting tot shove his religious beliefs down my throat.”

6. “I do not welcome Lord Vader quite literally attempting tot shove his religious beliefs down my throat.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Beauty is never private.”

7. “Beauty is never private.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Does Tess like me?” David asked. “I haven’t the faintest idea,” Alison said. “She hasn’t done anything to suggest she doesn’t, has she?” “No, not exactly, only – she looks at one as though she disapproves of how one parts one’s hair, or spells one’s name, somehow.”

8. “Does Tess like me?” David asked. “I haven’t the faintest idea,” Alison said. “She hasn’t done anything to suggest she doesn’t, has she?” “No, not exactly, only – she looks at one as though she disapproves of how one parts one’s hair, or spells one’s name, somehow.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Humans die,” said the grandmother, “and humans suffer too, for they lead short lives and when they are dead, no one eats them. They are stuffed in boxes and hidden in the dirt, or else set on fire and turned into cinders, so no one else can make any use of them; they are a prodigiously selfish race and consider themselves their own private property even in death.”

9. “Humans die,” said the grandmother, “and humans suffer too, for they lead short lives and when they are dead, no one eats them. They are stuffed in boxes and hidden in the dirt, or else set on fire and turned into cinders, so no one else can make any use of them; they are a prodigiously selfish race and consider themselves their own private property even in death.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love.”

10. “I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Alison had a habit of replying only to a selected portion of David’s conversation, that which she considered worth discussing, and blandly ignoring the rest. It was a terrifically effective strategy; he had never been able to drag her back to a point once she had decided to abandon it.”

11. “Alison had a habit of replying only to a selected portion of David’s conversation, that which she considered worth discussing, and blandly ignoring the rest. It was a terrifically effective strategy; he had never been able to drag her back to a point once she had decided to abandon it.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “If you will not marry me,” Mr. Beale said, “perhaps I will die of grief.” Beauty’s expression did not change. “I’m so unused to compliments. I’m afraid that I take them quite seriously.”

12. “If you will not marry me,” Mr. Beale said, “perhaps I will die of grief.” Beauty’s expression did not change. “I’m so unused to compliments. I’m afraid that I take them quite seriously.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Perhaps you would not like being married to me,′ Beauty said. ‘I do not know how to talk to people, and I have terrible taste in shirts.”

13. “Perhaps you would not like being married to me,′ Beauty said. ‘I do not know how to talk to people, and I have terrible taste in shirts.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “After her mother left, Beauty picked up one of her books and pointed her face at it and turned the pages – almost as if she were reading it.”

14. “After her mother left, Beauty picked up one of her books and pointed her face at it and turned the pages – almost as if she were reading it.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “I should like to get a soul,” said the girl. “The prince has one already. I might have his. I have put my mouth on his mouth, and surely that counts for something, even among savages.”

15. “I should like to get a soul,” said the girl. “The prince has one already. I might have his. I have put my mouth on his mouth, and surely that counts for something, even among savages.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Then: “A man in a mustache is at the door to see Beauty,” Sylvia said one afternoon. “He looks as though he were going to speak German at me.”

16. “Then: “A man in a mustache is at the door to see Beauty,” Sylvia said one afternoon. “He looks as though he were going to speak German at me.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “She could not understand how she was here, when she had never said yes to being brought anywhere. She could not remember speaking to him, much less agreeing. She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.”

17. “She could not understand how she was here, when she had never said yes to being brought anywhere. She could not remember speaking to him, much less agreeing. She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “Being beautiful had never prevented her from remaining in the woods alone before, but there was nothing she could do about it. Beauty was what gave him the right to talk to her as if they had been introduced, and take her hand, and make her wear his cloak, and take her from her tree and to his home.”

18. “Being beautiful had never prevented her from remaining in the woods alone before, but there was nothing she could do about it. Beauty was what gave him the right to talk to her as if they had been introduced, and take her hand, and make her wear his cloak, and take her from her tree and to his home.”

— Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Quote: “To be grateful is to be wakeful and watchful,” Paul said. “To be grateful is to remember. To be grateful is to acknowledge one’s lawful debts and keep a balanced ledger.”

19. “To be grateful is to be wakeful and watchful,” Paul said. “To be grateful is to remember. To be grateful is to acknowledge one’s lawful debts and keep a balanced ledger.”

— Mallory Ortberg

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