Top 35 Marcus Brigstocke Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

2. “If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

3. “I realised that to compare your insides with other people’s outsides leads to unhappiness.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

4. “Never Google yourself. Seriously, don’t!”

— Marcus Brigstocke

5. “Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are – all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

6. “I don’t mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

7. “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

8. “Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

9. “If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

10. “Offence is important; that’s how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you’re not offended. So dull.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

11. “I think Ross Noble is the only person that I’ve seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

12. “If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone’s going to agree with it.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

13. “I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

14. “I think it’s important never to look yourself up on Wikipedia. I think the temptation to correct any interesting factual errors would be too much.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

15. “I’m more pompous and self-assured and determined that if – you know – if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

16. “I’m best known as a stand-up comedian, but I’m a good actor in the right role.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

17. “I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

18. “The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it’s so straightforward and simple. If the audience don’t laugh, you didn’t do your job. I’ve had some audiences where I didn’t care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

19. “I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I’m a pretty good guy.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

20. “I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

21. “Jim Henson was an absolute genius.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

22. “No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

23. “I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

24. “The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

25. “Britain is obsessed with political correctness.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

26. “I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

27. “I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

28. “Eventually, somewhere – be it on the Internet or somewhere else – I will host some version of ‘The Daily Show.’”

— Marcus Brigstocke

29. “I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It’s an amazing feeling.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

30. “Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy – even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

31. “Christians, you and your churches don’t get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They’re your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

32. “I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I’m supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

33. “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”

— Marcus Brigstocke

34. “All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

35. “And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don’t enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

36. “I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

37. “There are a lot of comics at the top end making staggering amounts of money and selling out stadiums. I think stand-up is a more intimate thing than that. Maybe because of the kind of comedy I do. It’s like a discussion, but I’m the one with the microphone.”

— Marcus Brigstocke

38. “I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn’t have a clue.”

— Marcus Brigstocke