Top 35 Maria Bamford Quotes (2026 Update)

1. “If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite.”

— Maria Bamford

2. “We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.”

— Maria Bamford

3. “If you’re ever if you’re ever thinking, “Oh, but I’m a waste of space and I’m a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don’t you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?”

— Maria Bamford

4. “Sometimes I worry I don’t want to get married as much as I’d like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.”

— Maria Bamford

5. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time.”

— Maria Bamford

6. “Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.”

— Maria Bamford

7. “Time flies when you are anxious!”

— Maria Bamford

8. “Even if you’re disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you’re gross, you know, keep doing what you love!”

— Maria Bamford

9. “People get really irritated by mental illness.”

— Maria Bamford

10. “I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.”

— Maria Bamford

11. “My mom is very religious and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.”

— Maria Bamford

12. “Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God’s sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.”

— Maria Bamford

13. “Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.”

— Maria Bamford

14. “I can’t stand makeup commercials. ‘Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?’ No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I’m too fat?”

— Maria Bamford

15. “Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.”

— Maria Bamford

16. “I love support groups, people talking about their feelings.”

— Maria Bamford

17. “I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It’s like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I’m doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.”

— Maria Bamford

18. “I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.”

— Maria Bamford

19. “Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren’t as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.”

— Maria Bamford

20. “I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn’t talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It’s a completely personal choice.”

— Maria Bamford

21. “Here’s the Middle East. Here’s the mosque, here’s the church, open the temple, everybody’s MAD!”

— Maria Bamford

22. “I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of ‘I found this!’ and then you can pass it to friends.”

— Maria Bamford

23. “When you’re a comedian, you’re just by yourself.”

— Maria Bamford

24. “I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat – in honor of my father – when I’m impatient. It’s very charming.”

— Maria Bamford

25. “I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone’s listening.”

— Maria Bamford

26. “I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody’s jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.”

— Maria Bamford

27. “I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.”

— Maria Bamford

28. “I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.”

— Maria Bamford

29. “We cannot, of course, physically harm the President of the United States, but it is not illegal to lead him into a bramble, some uneven pavement, rocky terrain. Let your deteriorating roads, bridges, and public schools work for us.”

— Maria Bamford

30. “He’s been told that his mentals are “treatment-resistant,” which sounds a lot like “noncompliant” heart disease or “won’t play ball” multiple sclerosis.”

— Maria Bamford

31. “I’m very fond of of suddenly adopting a new set of ideals in order to receive welcome from any rigid group of weirdos.”

— Maria Bamford

32. “Even bitches who live on pickles and cocaine have their limits.”

— Maria Bamford

33. “I say, go big or go home, or actually go very small and stay home because you’re so freaked out by food and your brain distorting your appearance due to malnutrition.”

— Maria Bamford

34. “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here. This is to have succeeded.”

— Maria Bamford

35. “I’m not suicidal, but I’m also not particularly psyched.”

— Maria Bamford

36. “So there you go: I am not a trustworthy narrator of my own experience. I may be making stuff up. But it felt like that’s what happened. I felt all alone, but I was not at all alone and I was loved and maybe even having a great time. And that may still describe me now, despite my whinging.”

— Maria Bamford

37. “The hours put in – not necessarily the passion felt, but the time spent – will get you somewhere, if not everywhere.”

— Maria Bamford

38. “The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can’t think of it.”

— Maria Bamford