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Top 30 Maria Bamford Quotes (2025 Update)

Maria Bamford Quote: “If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite.”

1. “If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.”

2. “We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.”

— Maria Bamford

3. “If you’re ever if you’re ever thinking, “Oh, but I’m a waste of space and I’m a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don’t you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Sometimes I worry I don’t want to get married as much as I’d like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.”

4. “Sometimes I worry I don’t want to get married as much as I’d like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.”

5. “Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time.”

6. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Time flies when you are anxious!”

7. “Time flies when you are anxious!”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Even if you’re disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you’re gross, you know, keep doing what you love!”

8. “Even if you’re disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you’re gross, you know, keep doing what you love!”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “People get really irritated by mental illness.”

9. “People get really irritated by mental illness.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.”

10. “I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “My mom is very religious and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.”

11. “My mom is very religious and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God’s sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.”

12. “Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God’s sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.”

13. “Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I can’t stand makeup commercials. ‘Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?’ No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I’m too fat?”

14. “I can’t stand makeup commercials. ‘Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?’ No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I’m too fat?”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.”

15. “Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I love support groups, people talking about their feelings.”

16. “I love support groups, people talking about their feelings.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It’s like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I’m doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.”

17. “I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It’s like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I’m doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.”

18. “I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren’t as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.”

19. “Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren’t as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn’t talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It’s a completely personal choice.”

20. “I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn’t talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It’s a completely personal choice.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “Here’s the Middle East. Here’s the mosque, here’s the church, open the temple, everybody’s MAD!”

21. “Here’s the Middle East. Here’s the mosque, here’s the church, open the temple, everybody’s MAD!”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of ‘I found this!’ and then you can pass it to friends.”

22. “I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of ‘I found this!’ and then you can pass it to friends.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “When you’re a comedian, you’re just by yourself.”

23. “When you’re a comedian, you’re just by yourself.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat – in honor of my father – when I’m impatient. It’s very charming.”

24. “I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat – in honor of my father – when I’m impatient. It’s very charming.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone’s listening.”

25. “I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone’s listening.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.”

26. “I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody’s jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.”

27. “I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody’s jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.”

28. “I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “We cannot, of course, physically harm the President of the United States, but it is not illegal to lead him into a bramble, some uneven pavement, rocky terrain. Let your deteriorating roads, bridges, and public schools work for us.”

29. “We cannot, of course, physically harm the President of the United States, but it is not illegal to lead him into a bramble, some uneven pavement, rocky terrain. Let your deteriorating roads, bridges, and public schools work for us.”

— Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Quote: “The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can’t think of it.”

30. “The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can’t think of it.”

— Maria Bamford

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